1982

Hey, hey, it’s the Falkland War. People say they mess around…

Here I am, your roving reporter, Gertrude Strawberry, reporting from the jungles of Nicaragua where President Ronnie is giving aid to the Contras because a right wing oppressive government is much more superior than a left wing one. So be all that you can be. Join the Peace Corps instead.

1982 is such an interesting year. Some goof in Argentina thought he could defeat the British, after all, the Americans did. These redcoats had better muskets though-silly Argentian leader.

Hope you don’t have a headache because somebody put Kool-Aid in the Tylenol. Hanoi Jane is now doing workout videos. Don’t you love it when your left-wing heroes sell out? I guess she’ll be marrying some mogul like Ted Turner next. NFL football players are mad at the management and now they don’t want to play. Well, I guess I’ll just take my ball and go home then. I think the American Checkers Association is more exciting anyway. They’re teaching something called Reaganomics in the third grade. Good thing; they understand trickle down economics a lot better than adults do. Excuse me, I think I have to pee.

Did you know Dustin Hoffman is a crossdresser? Yeah, he looks like a Tootsie all right. We had to say goodbye to John Belushi and Princess Grace. I wonder if they have food fights in heaven.

Well, I have to go. I have the Hill Street Blues on. Phone home, will ya?

Event of the year: The Evil Empire is revealed to be Klingons

Fad: Being pissed at Reagan

Babe of the Year: Martha Quinn

Scandal of the Year: Venera lands on Venus and takes pictures. Venera charged with sexual harassment.

Movie or TV show to barf to: The Facts of Life

What we could have done without: Poison Tylenol

Pet of the year: Papa Smurf

Other Tidbits: Michael Jackson releases the Wall, I have a crush on Martha Quinn, Joe Montana wins the World Curling Championship on ESPN, USA Today is published as a diet soft drink, Argentina claims the Falkland Islands and invades Cambodia, Carlos the Jackal revealed as Merv Griffin, Lech Walesa released from prison, elected President of South Africa, Yassar Arafat elected Prime Minister of Israel, Brezhnev dies and is replaced by Pope John Paul I, AT&T is broken up into little bitty pieces, Dolly Parton busted for having the best little whorehouse in Texas, Khan! Khan!...

Well, I have to phone home because of some stupid alien. Isn't he so cute? Anyway here are my top twenty-five of 1982…

1)   Bruce Springsteen- Nebraska

2)   Translator-Heartbeats and Triggers

3)   Don Fagen- The Nightfly

4)  Elvis Costello- Imperial Bedroom

5)  Stray Cats- Built For Speed

6)  X- Under the Big Black Sun

7)  Flipper- Generic Flipper

8)  Roxy Music- Avalon

9)  Prince- 1999

10)  The Jam- The Gift

11)  The Gun Club- Miami

12)  Gang of Four- Songs of the Free

13)  REM- Chronic Town (EP)

14)  Midnight Oil-10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1

15)  Dead Kennedys- Plastic Surgery Disasters

16)  The Fall- Hex Induction Hour

17)  Mission of Burma- Vs.

18)  Richard and Linda Thompson- Shoot Out the Lights

19)  The Bangles- The Bangles (EP)

20)  The Clash- Combat Rock

21)  XTC- English Settlement

22)  Laurie Anderson- Big Science

23)  King Sunny Ade- Juju Music

24)  Sparks- Angst in My Pants

25)  Television Personalities- They Could Have Been Bigger Than the Beatles

My number one pick this year is an unusual choice. Springsteen isn’t really one of my favorite artists (nor do I dislike him), but Nebraska, with its stark acoustic theme, is hands down his best album and edges out Translator’s one great album for my favorite album of 1982. Translator also deserves special mention since overall they are a mediocre band at best. But Heartbeats is an exception. I can name at least three tracks on this folk rock influenced album that I would want to take with me to a deserted island. Fagen’s surprise comes in at number three (this is a year for surprises), while Elvis Costello (who makes a stunning comeback) and the Stray Cats (who are on fire this year) round out the top five. Highlights in the top ten include a great Flipper album and one of Prince’s funkier albums. REM and Midnight Oil, two of my favorite bands, make their debuts this year, while I continue to become a bigger fan of the Fall. Other interesting gems include Laurie Anderson ( an acquired taste to be sure but she was huge on the college station at Johns Hopkins at the time) and King Sunny Ade. Another one to give a chance too are the Waitresses in my Honorable Mentions.

Biggest Surprise- Don Fagen- The Nightfly

Let’s make this clear. I’m no Steely Dan fan. I mean they’re okay and all, but they’re really what I like to call ‘meh’ . And that’s what makes this such a big surprise. You see I had no reason to especially like this album, but this isn’t some Steely Dan version of jazz rock; this is just plain cool jazz and cool it is. I still love the hit from this album, New Frontier, to this day. That alone is better than he ever did with Steely Dan.

Biggest Disappointment- The Who- It’s Hard.

 No, I didn’t really expect that much from the Who minus the late Keith Moon, but it seems they were trying hard to be commercial with this album. I like Eminence Front well enough and this is a better album than Face Dances (which truly sucked). I guess the truth is, The Who, much as I love them, don’t do a lot for me after Who By Numbers. Even Who Are You is something of a disappointment for me. They really should have split up after that album instead of recruiting Kenny Jones (none of this which is his fault by the way).

Honorable Mention-  Peter Gabriel- Peter Gabriel, Fun Boy Three- Fun Boy Three, Ultravox- Quartet, George Clinton- Computer Games, The Waitresses- Wasn’t Tomorrow Wonderful?

Stinker of the Year-  L Ron Hubbard- Space Jazz.

Yes, the founder of scientology is a jazz enthusiast. Unfortunately Xenu wasn’t available, so he got musicians such as Chick Corea and Stanley Clarke to do his bidding for him, all under the direction of L. Ron Hubbard of course. It also happens to be the soundtrack to the book Battlefield Earth (if you like the book, you’ll love the movie). Just makes you want to become a Moonie.

And on that note, I’ll make my exit before the Scientologists get me. See you next time. :D