2004

Hello, the talking dog has transported me to 2004 and I’m talking to you from the Abu Ghraib hotel. It’s a beautiful five star prison, er, palace. The guests are treated exceedingly well. They get to roam the halls naked and get to have unmentionable sexual acts performed on them. They even get to meet some friendly dogs. And it’s all in pictures so they have a souvenir when they return home. The US Army is so kind.

They found the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. No, really, there were warehouses full of pea shooters and, even worse, slingshots. Wow, I feel so much safer now.

That John Kerry. They keep swift boating him, whatever that is. At least he’s reporting for service in what has to be the most heartwarming moment since Dukakis drove a tank. Some guy named Howard likes to scream a lot. Napoleon Dynamite… wait, he isn’t running for President, never mind.

We have trials galore this year. I think they want Scott Petersen to pose for Playboy and sign with Death Row records or something. Martha Stewart has to go to jail (okay, no more good thing jokes, sheesh!), That Ashlee Simpson really lip syncs well, and that Ken Jennings won’t let anyone win anything, bad sport!

Gotta go; I just spotted a new bird. I think they call it a Halliburton.

And stop exposing my nipples, Justin!

Event of the year: Washington attacked by a fleet of Swift Boats

Fad:  MTV Shocking moments on CBS

Babe of the Year: William Hung

Scandal of the Year: Ross and Rachel get divorced

Movie or TV show to barf to: American Idol

What we could have done without: Bob Dylan doing a Victoria’s Secret commercial

Pet of the year: Lynddie England

Other Tidbits: Scott Petersen avenged by Laci Petersen’s unborn son, Dan Rather gets punk’d by Kenneth, Weapons of Mass Destruction found in Nevada, Babe Ruth wins the World Series for the Red Sox, George Steinbrenner fires Billy Martin, John Kerry declared fit for duty at Burger King, The DC Sniper guilty of sniping, Richard Nixon convicted in Nipplegate, Martha Stewart declares getting arrested wasn’t a good thing, Elton John comes out as a metrosexual, Pete Rose admits gambling in poker and wants his job back, Howard Dean gets excited in Iowa and drops out of High School, Donald Trump accidentally fires himself, Ronald Reagan recovers from Alzheimer’s, Kobe Bryant accused of raping a beaver, Meet the Fockers triggers Fockermania.

We have a solid bunch of albums this year. So let’s give it a whirl…

1)  Elliott Smith- From a Basement On a Hill

2)  PJ Harvey- Uh Huh Her

3)  Steve Earle- The Revolution Starts Now

4)  Sufjan Stevens- Seven Swans

5)  Loretta Lynn- Van Lear Rose

6)  Tom Waits- Real Gone

7)  Rilo Kiley- More Adventurous

8)  Brian Wilson- Smile

9)  Marianne Faithful- Before the Poison

10)  Modest Mouse- Good News For People Who Love Bad News

11)  Wilco- A Ghost Is Born

12)  Iron and Wine- Our Endless Numbered Days

13)  The Roots- The Tipping Point

14)  Of Montreal- Satanic Panic in the Attic

15)  Saul Williams- Saul Williams

16)  The Black Keys- Rubber Factory

17)  Manic Street Preachers- Lifeblood

18)  Blonde Redhead- Misery is a Butterfly

19)  Air- Talkie Walkie

20)  Devendra Banhart- Rejoicing in the Hands

21)  REM- Around the Sun

22)  Madvillain- Madvillany

23)  The Sadies- Favourite Colours

24)  The Walkmen- Boys and Arrows

25)  Todd Snider- East Nashville Skyline

In a way, this is kind of a sad year, at least at number one. From a Basement On a Hill is Elliot Smith’s posthumous album. It’s also his best in my opinion. PJ Harvey is at her punkish best while Steve Earle, Sufjan Stevens, and my surprise round out my top five. Actually there are a few surprises on this list including Marianne Faithful in the top ten. I also really liked Tom Waits and Rilo Kiley. Gems in the rest of my top twenty-five include Iron and Wine, the Roots, Saul Williams, Blonde Redhead, and the Sadies.

Biggest Surprise-  Loretta Lynn- Van Lear Rose

This album was certainly highly acclaimed at the time and deservedly so, but I’m not a big country fan in general outside of Johnny Cash and Steve Earle. Of course, this is right after Cash’s American Recordings renaissance and she was being produced by Jack White of all people.

And he is certainly all over the album, but it’s Lynn’s straight forward vocals that compliment the musical arrangements that make this album. It’s certainly one of those pleasant surprises.

Biggest Disappointment- Gomez- Split the Difference.

To be fair, 2004 isn’t a year of many great disappointments and in just about any other year, I probably wouldn’t rate this album as such. But it is a step down from the previously monster efforts these guys came up with, so, yeah, this album falls a little short for me. It is listenable at least.

Honorable Mention-  Guided By Voices- Half Smiles of the Decomposed, Sam Phillips- A Boot and a Shoe, Gravenhurst- Flashlight Seasons, The Drive By Truckers- The Dirty South, The Libertines- The Libertines

Stinker of the Year-  (Tie) William Hung- Hung For the Holidays, Robert Downey, Jr.- The Futurist

And of course he (Hung) starts off with Deck the Halls which is about as politically incorrect as those Chinese guys in A Christmas Story. Mercifully, the album only lasts eighteen minutes. At least William was in on the joke.

And then there is Robert Downey, Jr. (No relation to Morton Downey, Jr.). He was trying to make a comeback after his, um, meltdown. Actually, he’s done quite well in the years since, but first he had to embarrass himself with this gem of coal. He looks cool in that commercial too. Actually he looks a little sad, kind of like that time when he lip synced Elton John in that video. Well, now he’s Iron Man, so I guess there is redemption after all.

Well, I have to say this was an interesting year. Well, I guess we’ll see what’s in store for 2005 but you’ll have to wait till next time. See you then.

2003

I’m now transported into the year 2003. I’m in shock and awe. We won the war in Iraq, we killed Saddam’s sons, and we finally captured Saddam. Boy, he should take a bath sometime, bleh! I got a ride in the Bloommobile, I found out French Fries were made in some country called Freedom. I bet Ronald McDonald is pissed. And now the Homeland is secured. Isn't that what they called Russia once or something? Oh, and don’t forget to buy a Dixie Chicks record so you can burn it. How dare she say she’s ashamed of our President, Bill Clinton? I dare her to say that in Texas. Don’t you love it when people defend freedom of speech by persecuting those who exercise their freedom of speech? Ah. America. I think Natalie Maines and Toby Keith should get married. Don’t they make a cute couple?

And the new normal isn’t so bad. Scandals are once again dominating the news. MTV has manufactured yet another ‘shocking moment.’ You want to have a real shocking moment? Bring Howard Stern back naked. That will make people barf.

They recalled a bunch of cars in California. Oh, yeah, they recalled the Governor too. Hasta La Vista, baby. Yeah, they elected an actor again. What is it with California and actors? First it’s Reagan and now it’s the Terminator. When are they going to elect a rock star? Neil Young for governor!

Martha Stewart is in trouble; I guess that isn’t a good thing. Phil Spector is in trouble too. He ‘accidentally’ shot some girl because she didn’t like the way he produced Let It Be or something. Either that or he was just whacked out. And, no, I’m not going to live with Michael Jackson. And did you know Diana Ross drinks? She drives too. Actually the talking dog drinks too. You know you’re lactaid intolerant, talking dog!

Uh, oh, I better go. That two headed alien called Bennifer is calling me. Please don’t Kill Bill.

Event of the year: Britney kisses Madonna in what is described as shock and awe

Fad:  Most Wanted Iraqi Playing Cards

Babe of the Year: Natalie Maines

Scandal of the Year: McDonalds criticized for super sizing freedom fries.

Movie or TV show to barf to: From Justin to Kelly

What we could have done without: The Bloommobile

Pet of the year: Anna Nicole Smith

Other Tidbits: Dixie Chicks insult George Bush and Americans use their freedom of speech to attack their right to freedom of speech, US invades Iraq because why not, Saddam Hussein captured and needs a shave, Nikki tells a telemarketer not to call her again, Chuck Norris becomes a sky marshall, California recalls Gary Davis and elects Gary Coleman, Jessica Lynch becomes a pin up model, SARS causes shock and awe in Asia, The RIAA sues little girls because they’re mean, Joe isn’t a Millionaire, Everyone says Simon Cowell is a nice guy, Americans deny gays rights but love Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Bennifer decides to come out as a ferret.

Well, while were wondering when the boys are coming hope since the mission has been accomplished , let’s see what we have in my top twenty-five…

1) The Shins- Chutes Too Narrow

2)  New Pornographers- The Electric Version

3)  My Morning Jacket- It Still Moves

4)  Sufjan Stevens- Michigan

5)  White Stripes- Elephant

6)  The Black Keys- Thickfreakness

7)  Muse- Absolution

8)  Grandaddy- Sumday

9)  Drive By Truckers- Decoration Day

10)  Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds- Nocturama

11)  The Unicorns- Who Will Cut Our Hair When We’re Gone

12)  The Decemberists- Her Majesty the Decemberists

13)  Radiohead- Hail To the Thief

14)  Cat Power- You Are Free

15)  Okkervil River- Down the River of Golden Dreams

16)  Gillian Welch- Soul Journey

17)  Guided By Voices- Earthquake Glue

18)  David Bowie- Reality

19)  Mogwai- Happy Music For Happy People

20)  M Ward- The Transfiguration of Vincent

21)  Manitoba- Up In Flames

22)  Lucinda Williams- World Without Tears

23)  Rufus Wainwright- Want One

24)  Pernice Brothers- Yours Mine and Ours

25)  Ben Harper- There Will Be a Light

Things tail off a little after a great period in the late 90’s early aughts but it nevertheless is a good year for music. The Shins lead the parade with their best effort, followed by another super album by the New Pornographers. My Morning Jacket apes Neil Young as well as anybody while Sufjan Stevens, one of my present favorites, and the White Stripes round out my top five. Gems in my top ten include another favorite in the Black Keys, a surprisingly good Muse album, and the Drive By Truckers. Other albums in my top twenty-five I really enjoyed include the Decemberists, Gillian Welch, Mogwai, Rufus Wainwright, and Ben Harper

Biggest Surprise-  The Unicorns- Who Will Cut Our Hair When We’re Gone.

And yes, the album is every bit as quirky as the title; and that is its charm. I didn’t know what to expect from this album as weird music can go either way for me. This one happened to have been done extremely well. I always enjoy the different and this one rates right up there.

Biggest Disappointments- M83- Dead Cities, Red Seas, and Lost Ghosts, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs- Fever To Tell

If Metallica wins my stinker of the year award, M83 has to be the runner up. Usually, my disappointment tends to be an album I expected to like that turns out to be mediocre. In this case, this goes to an album I expected to be listenable and turned out to be godawful. I mean, this is almost like heavy metal new age if there is such a term. No, it’s not heavy metal at all but I can’t think of a better analogy. Basically, the album bores me to tears; I couldn’t even finish listening to it.

I also have to mention the Yeahs Yeah Yeahs who I expected to really like. Date With the Night is a boss track. Unfortunately, the rest of the album sounds more like a lot of noise and Karen O wailing unmercifully like she’s the second coming of Yoko Ono. Will say M83 is worse however,

Honorable Mention-  The Dears- No Cities Yet, Belle and Sebastian- Dear Catastrophe Waitress, The Coral- Magic and Medicne, Brian Jonestown Massacre- … And This Is Our Music, Travis- 12 Memories

Just Missed- Sun Kil Moon- Ghosts of the Great Highway

Stinker of the Year-  Metallica- St. Anger

I remember how this got hyped on VH-1 like this was the greatest album since Led Zeppelin IV. Maybe this should really be my disappointment of the year but, then again, I’m not really a Metallica Fan. Some of these songs sound like they keep hitting a pebble on the record (don’t you hate it when you get those?). Of course, this is after Lars Ulrich infamously played the Grinch with his fans concerning Napster. So you get Gertie’s stinker award, so there :p:

Well I guess I better go before the rabid Metallica fans catch me. Hey, at least I didn’t pick on Insane Clown Posse… yet :D.

See you next time.

2002

The talking dog has transported me to 2002. What a depressing year. Now I can’t even take a pee because if I do, the terrorists win. I guess that explains why President Junior is getting everyone in a lather over that mean guy in Iraq. Well, if we do have a war (again), at least no child will be left behind.

You don’t want to go to DC this year. Some angry white man is running around shooting people for no reason. What do you mean the shooter is black? Okay, then, some angry black man is running around shooting people, him and his boy wonder, Pinky, or whatever they call him.

Some guy named Trent did a whoopsie after he implied he liked to go back to the good ol’ days of colored bathrooms. Boy did he get in trouble. It was even worse when he showed up on Jesse Jackson’s favorite channel to redeem himself… HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Hey, did you hear all those rolling blackouts in California were a way to make some multi- millionaires rich? Well, you need a lot of money when you’re addicted to Lay’s potato chips. Anyway, now they’re in real big trouble. Hope he has a good lawyer, is Mark Geragos available?

The TV has all these cool shows. I mean there’s American Idol… I want to be on American Idol. I can sing, really. I hear I can make Simon Cowell plead for mercy. Now that would be something. There’s also the Anna Nicole Show. I wonder if she’ll have guests like Shecky Green. And then there is that commercial for Johnny Walker Lindh. What, you mean they’re not supposed to advertise hard liquor on TV? Ah, he’s just a dumb kid, anyway, really dumb.

Well here is my top twenty-five of 2002. And don’t forget to keep an eye on that Axis of Evil, Iraq, North Korea, and Massachusetts.

Ted Williams is alive, alive!!!

Event of the year: The DC Sniper revealed to be Merv Griffin

Fad: Saber Rattling

Babe of the Year: Lara Croft

Scandal of the Year: Children are left behind at McDonalds

Movie or TV show to barf to: Celebrity Boxing

What we could have done without: Fox News (We report, we decide)

Pet of the year: Michael Moore

Other Tidbits: The Queen celebrates 50 years as the Pope, President Bush announces the Axis of Evil as Iraq, North Korea, and San Francisco, Enron named most scrupulous company of the year, To stop terrorism, the Department of Parks is created, Israeli commandos keep Yassar Arafat in a box, The Mars Odyssey finds water in Michigan, President Bush survives assassination attempt by a pretzel, Darth Vader tells Frodo he is his father, Michael Jackson shows everyone his blanket, Anna Nicole Smith wins American Idol, Eminem is beaten up by Triumph the Wonder Dog, Rosie O’Donnell announces she’s still a little teapot short and stout, Scott Stapp announces he’s bigger than the Beatles, Nickleback sent to outer space on a goodwill mission- or so they say. Weird Al Yankovic announces he’s still weird.

Well, I’m not weird, right? Okay, let’s go with it shall we?...

1)  Wilco- Yankee Hotel Foxtrot

2)  Flaming Lips- Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots

3)  Johnny Cash- American IV: The Man Comes Around

4)  Steve Earle- Jerusalem

5)  Mountain Goats- All Hail West Texas

6)  David Bowie- Heathen

7)  George Harrison- Brainwashed

8)  Beth Gibbons/ Rustin Man- Out of Season

9)  Gomez- In Our Gun

10)  Bruce Springsteen- The Rising

11)  Bright Eyes- Lifted Or The Story Is In The Soil

12)  Black Heart Procession- Amore Del Tropico

13)  Decemberists- Castaways and Cutouts

14)  Neko Case- Blacklisted

15)  Spoon- Kill the Moonlight

16)  Okkervil River- Don’t Fall In Love With Everyone You See

17)  Of Montreal- Aldhils Arbortorium

18)  Guided By Voices- Universal Truths and Cycles

19)  Tom Petty- The Last DJ

20)  Aimee Mann- Lost In Space

21)  Apples in Stereo- Velocity in Sound

22)  Frank Black and the Catholics- Black Letter Days

23)  Rilo Kiley- The Execution of All Things

24)  Wovenhand- Wovenhand

25)  The Warlocks-Phoenix

This turns out to be a great year as I have a handful of near misses that couldn’t quite make honorable mention. In the meantime, Wilco gets the gold this year with their brilliant Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. It edges out the eccentrically beautiful Yoshimi while Johnny Cash’s swan song of sorts (he passes away next year), Steve Earle, and my surprise round out the top five. I love the following three as well as David Bowie makes a great comeback, imo, and George Harrison comes up with a great swan song of his own. I also would highly recommend Beth Gibbons of Portishead with one of my favorite folk albums in a long time. As for the rest of my twenty-five, I could argue all of them are gems but I especially was surprised with the Black Heart Procession, Neko Case, Frank Black, and Rilo Kiley. There are a bunch of albums that I call near misses and aren’t mentioned here. Of those I would rate Songs Of the Deaf by Queens of the Stone Age the best of the rest.

Biggest Surprise-  Mountain Goats- All Hail West Texas

Now I kind of like the Mountain Goats, but I never expected to see them in my top five and yet, this great piece of acoustic work does just that. It’s not especially polished, which has always been their style. It’s really more John Darnielle than anything else but a band they are nonetheless. As for the album, it’s kind of what folk should sound like in the 21^st century. I just love the earthiness of the entire album and, of course, the great song selection.

Biggest Disappointment- The Roots- Phrenlology

Okay, first a disclaimer. Except for a few artists, I’m not really a big fan of hip-hop. The Roots though are one of the exceptions and it is because of the one song on this album that I especially like, The Seed 2.0. Unfortunately, I can’t get into the other tracks as much and I even had to switch to another album somewhere late in the album. I imagine hip hop fans will love the album but I just couldn’t get into it.

Honorable Mention-  The Black Keys- The Big Come Up, Iron and Wine- The Creek Drank the Cradle, Pedro the Lion- Control, Board of Canada- Geogaddi, Elvis Costello- When I Was Cruel

Stinker of the Year-  Corey Feldman- Former Child Actor

And he didn’t even get any help from his buddy, Michael Jackson. Well, at least he didn’t go the Disney sounding pop route. It’s supposed to be heavy metal which, compared to Pat Boone’s metal album, I guess it was. Listen to Jingle Bell Rock and happily vomit.

So we’re past our first year into the new normal. Stay tuned for next year when a shark eats Vice President Darth Vader. See you then.

2001

The talking dog has transported me to the year 2001 where everyone has gone mad. They’re going after this guy who had an affair with his intern who was murdered. He won’t talk to anybody because he wants to get re-elected or something. He thinks he’s a suspect, only he’s not; he’s just weird.

The lights keep going out in California because some guy eating Lays keep draining the power. They finally execute the jerk that bombed that building in Oklahoma. Then they want to try his partner again because they want to kill him too. He gets the same life without parole though. They should send Tony Soprano after him.

And we’re being invaded by sharks. Yeah, there was one sighted off the coast of Utah and he’s bigger than Jaws. Oh, my god! We’re all going to die. Keep the sharks the way from me, please, I need to know what to do in case of a shark attack. Help, help…HALP!!!!!.... oh great, what’s that on TV now?...

Oh, s***!

( Drawing by Bloominglove at Deviantart.com)

Event of the year:  Sharks are seen off the coast of Nebraska eating Gary Condit

Fad: Anthrax

Babe of the Year: Shrek

Scandal of the Year: College Student super glues his hand to his penis

Movie or TV show to barf to:  The 700 Club

What we could have done without: I’ll give you one guess

Pet of the year: Bin Laden

Other Tidbits: Jerry Falwell blames 9/11 on sugar fairies and Lutherans, The XFL replaces the NFL as hockey’s top league, Phil Donahue beats Bill O’Reilly up, Johnny Walker Red captured in Afghanistan, The Shoe Bomber eats his socks, Donnie Darko becomes a priest, Everyone forced to travel barefoot, Timothy McVeigh eaten by wolves, the Leaning Tower of Pisa falls asleep, Enron is a bunch of greedy bastards, Baby Powder discovered by Tom Brokaw’s secretary, Milosevic arrested for being a jerk, Napster closed down, reopens as a McDonalds, President Bartlett orders an airstrike on Qumar and solves the Kennedy Assassination. Hillary Clinton says cancellation of Baywatch is a right wing conspiracy, Tony Soprano crashes Monica and Chandler’s wedding, Al Gore grows a beard, loses Cuban election.

This is another pretty neat year for me. I’m getting older now so my taste are getting a little more refined.  But I should have discovered some pretty interesting stuff too by now, so let’s see what we have…

1)  White Stripes- White Blood Cells

2)  Sparklehorse- It’s a Wonderful Life

3)  Radiohead- Amnesiac

4)  Manic Street Preachers- Know Your Enemy

5)  Death Cab For Cutie- The Photo Album

6)  Weezer- Weezer (the Green Album)

7)  Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci- How I Long To Feel That Summer In My Heart

8)  Mercury Rev- All Is Dream

9)  Travis- The Invisible Band

10)  Bob Dylan- Love and Theft

11)  The Circulatory System- The Circulatory System

12)  Built To Spill- Ancient Melodies of the Universe

13)  Spoon- Girls Can Tell

14)  The Shins- Oh Inverted World

15)  Microphones- The Glow, Pt. 2

16) Dirtbombs- Ultraglide in Black

17)  Kristin Hersh- Sunny Border Blue

18)  Guided By Voices- Isolation Drills

19)  Of Montreal- Coquelicot Asleep in the Poppies

20)  Sam Phillips- Fan Dance

21)  Pernice Brothers- The World Won’t End

22)  REM- Reveal

23)  Air- 10 000 Legend

24)  My Morning Jacket- At Dawn

25)   I Am Kloot- Natural History

The quality of albums still remains high as there are some pretty decent ones that don’t make my list or honorable mentions. The White Stripes really break through this year and White Blood Cells tops my list. They’re closely followed by Sparklehorse and Radiohead with their best since OK Computer (I don’t think Kid A is as good, so sue me). The Manic Street Preachers and Death Cab For Cutie round out my list. Gems in my Top Ten include a surprising Weezer album, Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci, and a nice effort by Bob Dylan who still has it. Other gems in my top twenty-five include the Circulatory System, the Shins, my surprise, the Dirtbombs, Sam Phillips, Air, and I Am Kloot, which was also something of a surprise for me.

Biggest Surprise- The Microphones- The Glow, Pt. 2

I wasn’t very impressed with the Microphones earlier efforts so I was pleasantly surprised to hear this gem. It’s certainly pretty low-fi and the singer is even off key at times, but that’s really the charm of this album. The melodies are good and it’s a damn good piece of psychedelia in my opinion. This could have worked in the late sixties.

Biggest Disappointment- Brian Jonestown Massacre- Bravery, Repitition, and Noise.

Don’t get me wrong; this is not a terrible album, but except for a track or two, this album kind of falls flat for me. I’m a big fan of a lot of their stuff so I guess I was hoping for something a little better. As it is, the album is listenable, but really nothing especially noteworthy, kind of unusual for BJM.

Honorable Mention- Gorillaz- Gorillaz, Rufus Wainwright- Poses, Live- V, Lucinda Williams' Essence, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds' No More Shall We Part

Stinker of the Year-  Nickelback- Silver Side Up

And here we go with the album that established Nickleback as the most boring band on the planet. I mean people love these guys. Why? I don’t know. Maybe there are more masochists than we thought. Yeah, that’s it. Perverted guys like to be tied up in the bedroom and forced to listen constantly to How You Remind Me. I heard it was also used in lieu of water boarding because it was more effective. I better turn them off before I turn into a babbling idiot--- oops, too late :D.

So here we are. Welcome to the new normal. At least the music is still good so we’ll see you next time when we cover 2002.

2000

Hey, we survived Y2K, go figure.

I’m now at the beginning of the millennium, though technically I’m at the end of the old millennium because there never was a year zero. Does that mean Y2K is going to happen at the end of this year? I’m so confused.

There’s this kid named Elian who’s in the middle of a custody dispute. His Daddy wants to return him to Cuba but his mother’s parents say he can’t so Janet Reno sends in the storm troopers in what has to be one of the great photo ops of all time. You know, maybe we should start thinking for ourselves instead of being swayed by staged photo ops, I mean the kid’s happy now; isn’t that all that matters? Of course if the storm troopers were sicced on Billy- or her either…

Hey, do you know there’s an election going on? Yeah, it’s between that guy that invented the internet and the guy that doesn’t like fuzzy math. They still don’t know who won the election because Chad messed the ballots up. The talking dog transported to 2037 and he says they still don’t know who won. They let the fuzzy math guy in anyway.

Hey, who wants to be a millionaire? I don’t know, who wants to marry a millionaire? Who wants to be on Survivor?  Susan probably thinks I’m a rat (or is that a snake? I’m so confused).

Hey, have you downloaded the latest songs on Napster? Lars doesn’t like it because he’s not rich enough or something. The record industry doesn’t either because it’s harder for them to gouge the public. It doesn’t stop them from short changing the artists though. Eminem should write a song about them.

Well they elected ‘ Or Her Either’ to the Senate even though she’s not from New York. Well at least they didn’t vote for ‘Him’ this time. I guess she’s going to want to run for President next. Hey, they freed Willy. Aren’t the Backstreet Boys cute? And the Brooks Brothers are rioting, Help!

Well, let’s get away from the madness shall we and review my top twenty-five for the year 2000, shall we?

Bye, bye, bye.

Event of the year: Monica Lewinsky elected New York Senator

Fad: Fuzzy Math

Babes of the Year: Powerpuff Girls

Scandal of the Year: Y2K kicks in and California sinks into the ocean

Movie or TV show to barf to: Battlefield Earth

What we could have done without: Dennis Miller

Pet of the year: Lars Ulrich

Other Tidbits: The United States didn’t know who to elect as President; Alice Cooper didn’t run, The Supreme Court awards the Presidency to Judge Judy, The US turns Panama over to Costa Rica, Regis Philbin stunned that nobody wants to be a millionaire, Susan Hawk eats Kelly Wiglesworth on Survivor, Darth Vader has a heart attack but becomes Vice President anyway, Dr. Laura Schlesinger comes out as a drag queen, Harry Potter revealed to be just a kid, Al Gore invents the internet, George Bush drinks beer, The New Orleans Saints win the Subway Series, American Online and Time Warner merge to become Walmart, Dot Com Bubble bursts from eating too many burritos, The 50 Ft Woman attacks the World’s Largest Ferris Wheel.

So here we are in the 21^st century (or is it still the 20^th?). Anyway, another interesting year in music. So let’s give it a whirl…

1) Grandaddy- The Sopftware Slump

2)  Bright Eyes- Fevers and Mirrors

3)  PJ Harvey- Stories From the City, Stories From the Sea

4)  Johnny Cash- American 3: Solitary Man

5)  New Pornographers- Mass Romantic

6)  Elliott Smith- Figure 8

7)  Radiohead- Kid A

8)  Aimee Mann- Bachelor No.2…

9)  XTC- Apple Venus 2/ Wasp Star

10)  Neko Case- Furnace Room Lullaby

11)  Lambchop- Nixon

12)  Modest Mouse- The Moon and Antarctica

13)  Apples in Stereo- The Discovery of a World Inside the Moon

14)  Sleater-Kinney- All Hands on the Bad One

15)  Mountain Goats- the Coroner’s Gambit

16)  Steve Earle- Transcendental Blues

17)  Dandy Warhols- Thirteen Tales From Urban Bohemia

18)  Queens of the Stone Age- Rated R

19)  Eels- Daisies of the Galaxy

20)  Death Cab For Cutie- We Have the Facts and We’re Voting Yes

21)  Fatboy Slim- Halfway Between the Gutter and the Stars

22)  Clinic- Internal Wrangler

23)  Hefner- We Love the City

24)  16 Horsepower- Secret South

25)  Avalanches- Since I Met You

The twenty-first century is off to a good start despite a certain disputed election. I went with Grandaddy for the top slot. It was somewhat electronic but what I really liked were some of the melodies. Their output in general is like that. Bright Eyes (and Conor Oberst) is another band I’m really going to like. Mainstays like PJ Harvey and Johnny Cash also score big while another favorite group of the Millennium of mine, the New Pornographers, round out the top five. XTC and Neko Case especially impress me in the top ten. Other gems in my top-twenty-five include Sleater-Kinney, the Dandy Warhols, Fatboy Slim (in a surprise), and Clinic.

Biggest Surprise- Lambchop- Nixon

To be honest I really hadn’t heard this album before my project. I knew of this album from various searches but I didn’t really give it a good listen until now.

And what a gem. The album is solid throughout from some slowcore to something that sounds a little like soft rock seventies. It’s an unusual album but that’s the strength of it. Thumbs up.

Biggest Disappointment- Godspeed You Black Emperor!- Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas To Heaven.

First of all the title is way too long. In all seriousness though, so is the album which consists of four super long tracks that last well over an hour in total. I’m not sure if it’s Godspeed’s stab at new age or what, but it isn’t especially exciting.  I guess I expected something a little heavier for want of a better word, especially considering the positive reviews.

Honorable Mention-  White Stripes- De Stijl, Belle and Sebastian- Fold Your Hand Child Walk Like a Peasant, Primal Scream- Xtrmntr, Yo La Tengo- And Then Nothing Turned Inside Out,  Cat Power- The Covers Record

Stinker of the Year-  Baha Men- Who Let the Dogs Out.

Well, the new millennium knew how to get started, didn’t it? We were serenaded to Who Let the Dogs Out every time we attended a football game. Well, I guess they had to replace Gary Glitter with something. The album may not be the worse in the world, but , oh, that song. (AAAGH!)

Well, that was a good start, now we get into the new normal (boy I bet that gets you all excited). Anyhow, see you next time.

1999

What do you mean Tinky Winky is gay?

I’m now transported to the year 1999 where everyone is afraid of this thing called Y2K. I think Shakespeare invented it (Y2K or not Y2k? That is the question). The Senate acquitted President Billy in what has to be the biggest waste of time since the Teapot Dome scandal (hey, did I mention I’m a amateur historian?). The talking dog is in love with the Powerpuff girls. They don’t see dead people though. I think the Blair Witch does though. And that Linda, she’s such a trip(p). Has anyone seen the new Star Wars? They have this guy, Jar Jar Binks. He’s the cutest thing since Chewbacca: everybody loves him. Kevorkian has to go to prison but they won’t let him perform any executions. Meanwhile... hey! They killed Kenny, you bastard!

Some guy named Slobovan is doing some sort of cleaning. That’s not very nice, Slobby. Hey, I like that name, Slobby Milosevic, remind me to use that later. We find out that JFK Jr can’t fly a plane (tragically, actually). Britney wants you to hit her, baby, one more time. That’s kind of creepy. The talking dog thinks she’s cute on that Rolling Stone cover though. Vida Loca baby.

Well, I have to split before all the computers blow up. Let’s party like it’s 1999, shall we?

Event of the year: JFK Jr. discovers he doesn’t know how to fly a plane

Fad:  Preparing for the end of the world

Babe of the Year: Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Scandal of the Year: Austin Powers gets shagged by Dr. Evil

Movie or TV show to barf to: Jerry Springer Show

What we could have done without: Pokemon

Pet of the year: Jar Jar Binks

Other Tidbits: Serbs get themselves cleansed by NATO, Mena Suvari smothered to death by roses, Kevin Spacey cleared; he has other things to do, EU bans American beef because they can, The Euro is invented as play money, Bill Clinton acquitted of being a sleazebag, Spongebob gets spanked by the Powerpuff Girls, Kevorkian sent to Stalag 13, Barbie files for Social Security, Putin overthrows Yeltsin as leader of THRUSH, Will Smith reminds us it’s 1999, thanks, Will, Napster Cat begins crime spree, The Millennium Bug gets the Melissa virus, Keanu Reeves goes five minutes without saying, “Whoa,” Jesse Ventura becomes Governor of Minnesota (for real), George Harrison attacked by a man with a banana, Tony Soprano has Barzini shot.

Well, this is the last year of the 20^th century. It was certainly an interesting one. And with that, my last top Twenty-Five before the new millennium…

1)  Of Montreal- The Gay Parade

2)  Wilco-Summerteeth

3)  Moby- Play

4)  Magnetic Fields- 69 Love Songs

5)  White Stripes- The White Stripes

6)   Radar Brothers- The Singing Hatchet

7)  Sparklehorse- Good Morning Spider

8)  Olivia Tremor Control- Black Foilage

9)  Gomez- Liquid Skin

10)  Sigur Rós- Ágætis byrjun 

11)  Flaming Lips- The Soft Bulletin

12)  Muse- Showbiz

13)  Tom Waits- Mule Variations

14)  Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci- Spanish Dance Troupe

15)  Black Heart Procession- 2

16)  XTC- Apple Venus Volume 1

17)  Built To Spill- Keep It Like a Secret

18)  Guided By Voices- Do the Collapse

19)  Blur-13

20)  Bonnie Prince Billy- I See a Darkness

21)  Old 97’s- Fight Songs

22)  Travis- The Man Who

23)  Apples in Stereo- Her Wallpaper Reverie

24)  Beth Orton- Central Reservation

25)  Ron Sexsmith- Whereabouts

The nineties finish with a bang. Actually the late nineties/early aughts is one of my favorite periods musically speaking. Of Montreal leads my list with their whimsical Gay Parade followed by a great Wilco effort. Moby takes the bronze, while the pensive Magnetic Fields and The White Stripes round out the top five. Gems in my top ten include one of my biggest surprises in years and Olivia Tremor Control. Other gems in my top twenty-five include the Flaming Lips, Gorky’s, Black Heart Procession,  and Bonnie Prince Billy (another surprise).

Biggest Surprise- Radar Brothers- The Singing Hatchet

I remember liking one song off this album so I had to put this on the list of albums to review. As it turns out, this is one of my favorite albums of 1999. It probably isn’t for everybody as all the songs are pretty much slowcore, albeit without the psychedelic bits. It’s actually a bit more like country rock with a little bit of Beatlesque jangle. Anyway, to me anyway, it’s a great album to simply mellow out to.

Biggest Disappointment-  Beck- Midnite Vultures

Beck was coming off of a couple well acclaimed albums. I rated Odelay quite high in fact. So this album came off as a little disappointing for me. Basically I couldn’t get into most of the songs on the album. Even the opening track and his most popular song, Sexx Laws, sounded a little like he was going through the motions. Beck fans might disagree with this.

Honorable Mention- David Bowie- Hours, Mogwai- Come On Die Young, Red Hot Chili Peppers- Californication, Bob Pollard and Doug Gillyard- Speak Kindly of Your Volunteer Fire Department, Nine Inch Nails- The Fragile

Stinker of the Year-  Will Smith- Willenium

Yes, it’s the Fresh Prince of Bel Air himself doing what he does best. The only problem is he does it without DJ Jazzy Jeff. This album is of course famous for his Willenium video when they party like it’s 1999 and he reminds you that it is. And of course we respond by saying, no s***, Sherlock. Yes, he needs some help with this one. Where’s Carlton when you need him?

And that does it for the Twentieth Century. This has been fun (seriously). We still have eighteen more years to go though so come back as we get past Y2K. See you then.