2004

Hello, the talking dog has transported me to 2004 and I’m talking to you from the Abu Ghraib hotel. It’s a beautiful five star prison, er, palace. The guests are treated exceedingly well. They get to roam the halls naked and get to have unmentionable sexual acts performed on them. They even get to meet some friendly dogs. And it’s all in pictures so they have a souvenir when they return home. The US Army is so kind.

They found the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. No, really, there were warehouses full of pea shooters and, even worse, slingshots. Wow, I feel so much safer now.

That John Kerry. They keep swift boating him, whatever that is. At least he’s reporting for service in what has to be the most heartwarming moment since Dukakis drove a tank. Some guy named Howard likes to scream a lot. Napoleon Dynamite… wait, he isn’t running for President, never mind.

We have trials galore this year. I think they want Scott Petersen to pose for Playboy and sign with Death Row records or something. Martha Stewart has to go to jail (okay, no more good thing jokes, sheesh!), That Ashlee Simpson really lip syncs well, and that Ken Jennings won’t let anyone win anything, bad sport!

Gotta go; I just spotted a new bird. I think they call it a Halliburton.

And stop exposing my nipples, Justin!

Event of the year: Washington attacked by a fleet of Swift Boats

Fad:  MTV Shocking moments on CBS

Babe of the Year: William Hung

Scandal of the Year: Ross and Rachel get divorced

Movie or TV show to barf to: American Idol

What we could have done without: Bob Dylan doing a Victoria’s Secret commercial

Pet of the year: Lynddie England

Other Tidbits: Scott Petersen avenged by Laci Petersen’s unborn son, Dan Rather gets punk’d by Kenneth, Weapons of Mass Destruction found in Nevada, Babe Ruth wins the World Series for the Red Sox, George Steinbrenner fires Billy Martin, John Kerry declared fit for duty at Burger King, The DC Sniper guilty of sniping, Richard Nixon convicted in Nipplegate, Martha Stewart declares getting arrested wasn’t a good thing, Elton John comes out as a metrosexual, Pete Rose admits gambling in poker and wants his job back, Howard Dean gets excited in Iowa and drops out of High School, Donald Trump accidentally fires himself, Ronald Reagan recovers from Alzheimer’s, Kobe Bryant accused of raping a beaver, Meet the Fockers triggers Fockermania.

We have a solid bunch of albums this year. So let’s give it a whirl…

1)  Elliott Smith- From a Basement On a Hill

2)  PJ Harvey- Uh Huh Her

3)  Steve Earle- The Revolution Starts Now

4)  Sufjan Stevens- Seven Swans

5)  Loretta Lynn- Van Lear Rose

6)  Tom Waits- Real Gone

7)  Rilo Kiley- More Adventurous

8)  Brian Wilson- Smile

9)  Marianne Faithful- Before the Poison

10)  Modest Mouse- Good News For People Who Love Bad News

11)  Wilco- A Ghost Is Born

12)  Iron and Wine- Our Endless Numbered Days

13)  The Roots- The Tipping Point

14)  Of Montreal- Satanic Panic in the Attic

15)  Saul Williams- Saul Williams

16)  The Black Keys- Rubber Factory

17)  Manic Street Preachers- Lifeblood

18)  Blonde Redhead- Misery is a Butterfly

19)  Air- Talkie Walkie

20)  Devendra Banhart- Rejoicing in the Hands

21)  REM- Around the Sun

22)  Madvillain- Madvillany

23)  The Sadies- Favourite Colours

24)  The Walkmen- Boys and Arrows

25)  Todd Snider- East Nashville Skyline

In a way, this is kind of a sad year, at least at number one. From a Basement On a Hill is Elliot Smith’s posthumous album. It’s also his best in my opinion. PJ Harvey is at her punkish best while Steve Earle, Sufjan Stevens, and my surprise round out my top five. Actually there are a few surprises on this list including Marianne Faithful in the top ten. I also really liked Tom Waits and Rilo Kiley. Gems in the rest of my top twenty-five include Iron and Wine, the Roots, Saul Williams, Blonde Redhead, and the Sadies.

Biggest Surprise-  Loretta Lynn- Van Lear Rose

This album was certainly highly acclaimed at the time and deservedly so, but I’m not a big country fan in general outside of Johnny Cash and Steve Earle. Of course, this is right after Cash’s American Recordings renaissance and she was being produced by Jack White of all people.

And he is certainly all over the album, but it’s Lynn’s straight forward vocals that compliment the musical arrangements that make this album. It’s certainly one of those pleasant surprises.

Biggest Disappointment- Gomez- Split the Difference.

To be fair, 2004 isn’t a year of many great disappointments and in just about any other year, I probably wouldn’t rate this album as such. But it is a step down from the previously monster efforts these guys came up with, so, yeah, this album falls a little short for me. It is listenable at least.

Honorable Mention-  Guided By Voices- Half Smiles of the Decomposed, Sam Phillips- A Boot and a Shoe, Gravenhurst- Flashlight Seasons, The Drive By Truckers- The Dirty South, The Libertines- The Libertines

Stinker of the Year-  (Tie) William Hung- Hung For the Holidays, Robert Downey, Jr.- The Futurist

And of course he (Hung) starts off with Deck the Halls which is about as politically incorrect as those Chinese guys in A Christmas Story. Mercifully, the album only lasts eighteen minutes. At least William was in on the joke.

And then there is Robert Downey, Jr. (No relation to Morton Downey, Jr.). He was trying to make a comeback after his, um, meltdown. Actually, he’s done quite well in the years since, but first he had to embarrass himself with this gem of coal. He looks cool in that commercial too. Actually he looks a little sad, kind of like that time when he lip synced Elton John in that video. Well, now he’s Iron Man, so I guess there is redemption after all.

Well, I have to say this was an interesting year. Well, I guess we’ll see what’s in store for 2005 but you’ll have to wait till next time. See you then.