1998

The talking dog has transported me to 1998 where another President gets impeached; this time because some frog named Newt doesn’t like him. Oh, yeah, and he has sex with someone other than his wife, but basically, Newt doesn’t like him. Newt tries to get his buddies elected so they can kick Billy out but he loses six seats and has to resign. Bye, Newt!

So now they have this Bob Livingston who also had an affair or something so he had to resign too. Now they have this guy Dennis who seems like a decent guy, well, until we find out many years later he took liberties with some young lads. And they say President Billy was a bad boy.

Well of course President Billy was a bad boy. And he swears he did not have sex with that woman (maybe with other women but not her). We also find out we don’t know what the definition of is, is. Look in the dictionary, stupid; it’s a helping verb (I think).

We also know that Billy likes cigars. Monica must have gotten sick. And he likes to wag the dog too. Yes, he likes you too, talking dog. They’re hitting home runs left and right. Wow, those vitamins really work. They keep changing Windows for some reason. What’s wrong, you didn’t like the colonial style? Will Ross and Rachel ever get together? Are you kidding, and screw up the ratings? And free Willy.

And will you stop, talking dog? Are you on Viagra or something? Sheesh!

Anyway, here are my top twenty-five for 1998. Meanwhile, have a cigar.

Event of the year: Bob Dole shills for Viagra (yeah, really, I couldn’t make this up)

Fad:  Using cigars for illicit sex

Babe of the Year: Marilyn Manson

Scandal of the Year: Truman Burbank discovers he lives with a bunch of actors in a dome.

Movie or TV show to barf to: Patch Adams

What we could have done without: Impeachment hearings

Pet of the year: Mr. Hanky

Other Tidbits: A Soy Bomb is detected at the Grammys, President Clinton swears he didn’t have sexual relations with that woman, Hillary Clinton, Monica Lewinsky wins the Miss America pageant, Newt Gingrich runs on impeaching Clinton, gets his ass kicked, Newt resigns, heir apparent resigns over scandal, new replacement turns out to be a child molester (we find out later), Willy is free, The Good Friday agreement signed on Tuesday, Clinton wags a dog’s tail, gets rabies, Quebec secedes from Maine, Bin Laden issues fatwa against everybody but himself, Hussein won’t let the UN inspect his treehouse, Clinton grounds him for two weeks, Europe forbids cloning of Dolly Parton, Private Ryan saved by Conan O’Brien, Jay Leno’s nose keeps growing.

Okay so here we go with one of my favorite years since the psychedelic sixties, even if some people don’t appreciate the indie scene ( and to that. :p: ). Anyway, here we go…

1) Neutral Milk Hotel- In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

2)  Elliott Smith- XO

3)  Manic Street Preachers- This Is My Truth, Tell Me Yours

4)  Eels- Electroshock Blues

5)  Quickspace- Precious Falling

6)  Billy Bragg and Wilco- Mermaid Avenue

7)  Lauryn Hill- The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill

8)  Fatboy Slim- You’ve Come a Long Way Baby

9)  Air- Moon Safari

10)  Tortoise- TNT

11)  Mercury Rev- Deserter’s Songs

12)  Brian Jonestown Massacre- Strung Out in Heaven

13)  PJ Harvey- Is This Desire

14)  Gomez- Bring It On

15)  REM- Up

16)  Lucinda Williams- Car Wheels on a Gravel Road

17)  Cat Power- Moon Pix

18)  Rufus Wainwright- Rufus Wainwright

19)  Beck- Mutations

20)  Of Montreal- The Beside Drama: A Petite Tragedy

21)  Black Box Recorder- England Made Me

22)  Massive Attack- Mezzanine

23)  Golden Smog- Weird Tales

24)  Boards of Canada- Music Has a Right To Children

25)  Pernice Brothers- Overcome By Happiness

I really like this list. The late nineties, to me, is a great period for interesting music. Neutral Milk Hotel leads the list with their whimsical album. It’s one of the best of the nineties. Elliott Smith’s best gets the silver while the Manic Street Preachers, the Eels, and my surprise round out the top five. There are some real surprises in my lower top ten too such as Lauryn Hill, Air, and TNT. There is also a lot to recommend in my remaining top twenty five as well as in my Honorable Mentions such as Gomez. Lucinda Williams, Cat Power, Black Box Recorder, Golden Smog, and Gillian Welch in the HMs.

Biggest Surprise- Quickspace- Precious Falling

Before now I was only familiar with  a couple of tracks and an earlier album I wasn’t all that crazy about so I wasn’t expecting a lot from this album, even though the two tracks I really liked are on this album. But I ended up liking the whole album enough, I put it in my top five. This wasn’t my only surprise as I was also pleasantly shocked by Tortoise and Lucinda Williams.

But this one rates the highest so it gets the nod.

Biggest Disappointment- Teenage Fanclub- Songs From Northern Britain

Bandwagonesque  is one of my favorite retro glam rock albums. Unfortunately, it seems that their following albums seem to be retreads of the same thing. Songs From Northern Britain continues this trend. I mean it’s listenable, but it sounds kind of bland, like Teenage Fanclub have some sort of formula of sorts. Not bad, just boring.

Honorable Mention-  Tori Amos- From the Choir Girl Hotel, Gillian Welch- Hell Among the Yearlings, Tricky- Angels With Dirty Faces, Son Volt- Tremolo, Detroit Cobras- Mink Rat or Leaving

Stinker of the Year-  B*witched- B*witched.

These cute girls were Spice Girl wannabes essentially. They also prove that teen pop hadn’t evolved very much from the seventies. I’m pretty sure most girls outgrew this sort of pop by the time they reached, say, nine.

Okay, I’m done… this time. Next time, we party like it’s 1999 (The stinker of that year is going to be a hoot)

1997

I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really, want…

I want to get away from the Spice Girls, that’s what I want; stop panting, talking dog!

Well at least I don’t have to do the Macarena this year. It’s a good thing too because the chess champion can’t even beat a computer. Whatever, I’m watching Pop-Up Videos. Did you know that Chumbawumba was derived from a dream? And I guess Tubthumping is a breath mint too. Keep Tyson away from my ears, talking dog, and don’t smack my… Hey did you know Tiger Woods isn’t a tiger at all? Actually, he’s a real pussycat, meow!

Of course this is the year everyone is concerned about land mines halfway around the world. Why couldn’t have Princess Diana had a more important cause, you know, like World peace?

They found out what happened on the Titanic. Did you know that Celine Dion was on that boat? No, really, you can still hear that song cause she’s the greatest singer in the world, well, according to Ana Gasteyer anyway. Hanson has this song out called Hale-Bopp, or is that a comet. I guess they know at Heaven’s Gate (okay, okay, I’ll stop).

And President Bill is in hot water again. That Paula Jones is getting a nose job because anyone who gets a nose job must have been sexually abused by the Governor of Arkansas. Just ask that guy from Freedom Watch. Why is it that everyone who forms a group named freedom wants to take it away from people they don’t like?

And Ellen is Gay. Yesss! Okay, Marv, you’re getting a little kinky again. And Joe Camel isn’t so cool anymore. And Paul McCartney is a knight. I hope he doesn’t have to wear a suit of armor; they’re so clangy.

Well, here we go with my favorite albums of 1997. Don’t get knocked down cause then you’ll have to get up again.

Event of the year: Hong Kong returned to Cambodia

Fad: Looking for landmines

Babe of the Year: Daria

Scandal of the Year: Mike Tyson likes ears

Movie or TV show to barf to: Judge Judy

What we could have done without: Tickle Me Elmo

Pet of the year: Baby Spice

Other Tidbits: Tickle Me Elmo murders 23 people in Washington State, Princess Diana killed in a car accident in Paris; birthers immediately blame Obama, George Clooney holds a press conference; nobody cares, Titanic sinks again, People mistake Halle Berry for the Hale- Bopp comet and commit suicide, George Clooney holds another press conference, Harry Potter captures Tickle Me Elmo, JK Rowling turns George Clooney into a toad, Pathfinder lands on Mars and is eaten by giant ants, Kasparov loses to a vacuum cleaner, Hong Kong Flu given back to China, The Lion King complains he has a thorn in his paw, Mike Tyson invents ear casserole, OJ found by a jury to be a moron, Tiger Woods escapes from the Cincinnati Zoo.

Another interesting year to be sure. It was the year of Radiohead pretty much for me, but anyway, here goes…

1) Radiohead- OK Computer

2)  Yo La Tengo- I Can Hear the Heart Beating As One

3)  Guided By Voices- Mag Earwig!

4) Paul McCartney- Flaming Pie

5)  Bob Dylan- Time Out of Mind

6) Elliot Smith- Either/Or

7)  Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci- Barafundle

8)  Patti Smith- Peace and Noise

9)  Grandaddy- Under the Western Freeway

10)  Blur- Blur

11)  Dandy Warhols- The Dandy Warhols Come Down

12)  Flaming Lips- Zaireeka

13)  Travis- Good Feeling

14)  Of Montreal- Cherry Peel

15)  Apples in Stereo- Tone Soul Evolution

16)  Steve Earle- El Corazon

17)  Mogwai- Mogwai Young Team

18)  Spiritualized- Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space

19)  Supergrass- In It For the Money

20)  Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds- The Boatman’s Call

21)  Primal Scream- Vanishing Point

22)  Sleater-Kinney- Dig Me Out

23)  Brian Jonestown Massacre- Give It Back

24)  Tindersticks- Curtains

25)  16 Horsepower- Low Estate

Needless to say, Radiohead’s seminal album was not only the best of the year, but the best of the decade. To me, it was as psychedelic as anything I heard from the sixties even though they probably owed more to Joe Byrd than to Syd Barrett. Yo La Tengo gets the silver with their classic album. Guided By Voices follows while Paul’s McCartney’s best since Band On the Run, and Dylan round out the top five. Highlights in my top ten include Elliott Smith, Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci, another surprise for me, and Blur. Other highlights for me include gems from the likes of the Dandy Warhols, Flaming Lips, Steve Earle, and Supergrass. 1997 was another banner year as a couple albums I really liked such as Ron Sexsmith’s Other Songs don’t even make my honorable mentions, though they probably should have.

Biggest Surprise- Patti Smith – Peace and Noise

I love Patti Smith’s music of the seventies but she began to tail off around the time of Wave. Dream of Life would be okay, but it wouldn’t remind me of Horses exactly. This album, though, has bits of everything in it from the poetry that dominated Horses to the punk rock anthems of Radio Ethiopia. I really enjoyed this album.

Biggest Disappointment- Modest Mouse- The Lonesome Crowded West.

I have to admit, I can’t get into Modest Mouse like some people can. I expect they will get better later and there are some songs that I know I like. I don’t remember anything memorable off this album though. At least it is listenable which is more than I can say for some of my other disappointments.

Honorable Mention- Smog- Red Apple Falls, Built To Spill- Perfect From Now On, Future Bible Heroes- Memories of Love, Depeche Mode- Ultra, The Verve- Urban Hymns

Stinker of the Year-  Pat Boone- In a Metal Mood

You knew I had to put this one in here. I posted him twice in a music forum I briefly belonged to so why not go for the trifecta? Not really a metal album but basically hard big band that sounds like something from a cartoon (Ren and Stimpy comes to mind for some reason). And Boone sounds about as menacing as something from the Rat Pack. Yeah, this one is classically bad. And just think, it was his daughter that sang the classic You Light Up My Life.

Well, maybe we couldn’t corrupt ol’ white bucks, but we still had some fun, didn’t we? We’re almost in the homestretch now with twenty years to go. So we’ll see you next time with 1998.

1996

If I have to do the Macarena one more time, I’m going to hurl on the talking dog.

So Bob Dole says Bill Clinton is a weenie. Well, what’s new? Did you know Bob Dole doesn’t believe in new taxes? Bob Dole also says no to starch on his shirts. Does Bob Dole always have to speak in the third person? Don’t tickle me, Elmo, hee,hee!

Hey has anyone seen the Artist? He used to be a Prince but he abdicated and changed his name to some sort of swirly. I think it’s pronounced Nincompoop. They’re fighting on Jerry Springer again. Yeah, I have a final thought for you, pal! They finally got the Unabomber; why does he look like the Riddler?

And will OJ ever stay out of the news? They’re chasing his Bronco again but this time it’s because he lost some civil case. I guess he didn’t find the murderers. Too bad. Kathy Lee is getting flak for putting people to work in Central American sweatshops. Hey, they have to earn their fifty cents a day somehow. Did you hear they cloned Dolly Parton? That’s pretty scary (I will always looooove youuuuu!). Some guy named Jerry Lundegaard got his wife kidnapped and now she’s dead. It’s okay; it’s only a movie- sheesh!

Well, gotta go. Enjoy my top twenty-five for 1996 while they make me do the Macarena again.

Gee, talking dog, you’re a mess.

Event of the year: Chuck Norris singlehandedly defeats 350 rabid grizzly bears with his karate kicks.

Fad: Cloning

Babe of the Year: Marge Gunderson, the pregnant cop in Fargo

Scandal of the Year: Jerry Lundegaard bumbles his wife’s kidnapping and seven people are killed

Movie or TV show to barf to: Tom Green Show

What we could have done without: The Rachel Haircut, especially on men with beards

Pets of the year: Hanson

Other Tidbits: Snake Plissken rescues the President from Manhattan, OJ Simpson finds the killer of Nicole Simpson, Marcia Clark, Mars attacks because they need women, Osama Bin Laden banned from Harvard sorority for being male, The Charles and Diana Comedy Hour cancelled, Bill Clinton impeached for doing the Macarena, Bob Dole says Bob Dole won’t take Viagra, Mad cows with steak knives chase farmers, Dolly Parton is cloned, Elmo is pissed when you tickle him, Richard Jewell gets an award, gets charged, gets apology, gets laid, Jeeves is asked, he tells them to Google it, The Fresh Prince shot down by aliens, The Unabomber elected Governor of Montana, Oprah opens a comic book store, eats the comics, Mulder and Scully say the truth isn’t out there after all.

As for the music, there’s more indie rock, or at least that’s how it was defined then. It wasn’t a bad year to be sure. Anyway, here we go with this year’s gems…

1) The Eels- Beautiful Freak

2)  Olivia Tremor Control- Dusk at Cubist Castle

3)  Beck- Odelay

4)  Stereolab- Emperor Tomato Ketchup

5)  Brian Jonestown Massacre- Take It From the Man

6)  Manic Street Preachers- Everything Must Go

7)  Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds- Murder Ballads

8)  The Beatles- Anthology 2

9)  REM- New Adventures in Hi-Fi

10)  Johnny Cash- Unchained

11)  Cat Power- What Would the Community Think

12)  Fugees- The Score

13)  Curtis Mayfield- New World Order

14)  Sebadoh- Harmacy

15)  Elvis Costello- All This Useless Beauty

16)  The Beatles- Anthology 3

17)  Brian Jonestown Massacre- Thank God For Mental Illness

18)  Current 93- All the Pretty Little Horses

19)  Cake- Fashion Nugget

20)  Guided By Voices- Under the Bushes Under the Stars

21)  Wilco- Being There

22)  Neutral Milk Hotel- On Avery Island

23)  Stone Temple Pilots- Tiny Music: Songs From the Vatican Gift Shop

24)  Belle and Sebastian- Tigermilk

25)  Tricky- Pre-Millennium Tension

1996 was one boss year for albums. There are quite a few albums I like that don’t even make the honorable mentions. That in itself should be my biggest surprise. As for the ones that did make the list, it was close at the top, but I went with the Eels. Mark E has a knack of making the most depressing songs sound beautiful. I went with Olivia Tremor Control at number two with their psychedelic masterpiece while Beck gets the bronze with his best album. Stereolab and the Brian Jonestown Massacre round out my top five. The bottom ten include some great albums by Manic Street Preachers, REM, and Johnny Cash who is really in a groove right now. Other gems in my top twenty-five include Cat Power, Curtis Mayfield, and Current 93 which I recommend for those that like their folk a little bit on the darker side.

Biggest Surprise- Elvis Costello- All This Useless Beauty.

Okay, I know, this doesn’t make a lot of sense. I mean Costello is one of my all-time favorite artists, so why should be I surprised that an album of his would make my top twenty? Well, the Elvis Costello of the 1990s is not the same as the Elvis Costello of the 1970s. Later Costello would experiment with new sounds such as classical music, to his credit really, but not something I’d be a fan of necessarily. He also had a brief partnership with Paul McCartney that netted his Spike LP; that could either be taken positively or negatively as I always thought Costello was a little closer to Lennon musically. The idea of Elvis Costello singing Silly Love Songs seemed a little cringy to me. Anyhow, All This Useless Beauty is his best LP since Blood and Chocolate. It’s an impressive album in a pretty impressive year.

Biggest Disappointment-  The Cranberries- To the Faithful Departed.

Hey, anyone that dares to write a song called I Shot John Lennon either should be credited for having guts or have tomatoes or worse thrown at them. So, I’ll throw tomatoes. Lyrically, it’s kind of preachy which certainly turned the critics off. For me, I just think it’s a little pretentious; not truly horrible, just pretentious.

Honorable Mention-  Super Furry Animals- Fuzzy Logic, Cracker- The Golden Age, Robert Pollard- Not in My Airforce, Sleater- Kinney- Call the Doctor, Mountain Goats- Nothing For Juice.

Stinker of the Year-  Hootie and the Blowfish- Fairweather Johnson.

Oh this one is too easy. These guys were the darlings of VH-1. You could hear the chorus now, “Give me Hootie!” Well, they got him, and VH-1 was so successful they soon switched to their highbrow celebriality programming. Darius Rucker would go on to fail as the next Charlie Pride of country.

And there you go. Hey it gets exciting again as the Clinton scandals are getting hot. The music isn’t too bad either. So, get ready and I’ll see you next time.

1995

 Welcome to 1995 where the water is white and Newt is foaming at the mouth. No, really, he looks like a pit bull. You can see the resemblance. Maybe he should write a book.

 He doesn’t like President Billy either. Just think, if he can get President Billy and his assistant (No, not her) impeached, he can be President and the world will be safe for angry white men once again. Well maybe not, cause then they’d be starving too.

So who care if the government shuts down?  I’m watching the OJ trial. Isn't the DA annoying? I mean it’s always Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! And the gloves don’t fit OJ either. Well, you could have bought a pair in his size, Santa. What do you mean they found OJ not guilty? Wow, all the blacks are celebrating like Oakland won the Super Bowl while the angry white men are now even angrier. This is the worst thing to happen since Pearl Harbor. I met Pearl Harbor once; she’s a rather nice lady if a little dotty. She put garlic in my tea. She thought it was lemon. Poor thing.

And Cal Ripken is the greatest thing since Maypo just for showing up for work. And all I got was seventy-five cents a week, Bah!

A million men marched on Washington. I bet that hurt. They have the X games on ESPN because the Y games weren’t available (bad joke, I know). I’m in love with Yanni. The talking dog isn’t though, and he sicced Buzz Lightyear on him. I didn’t know Tim Allen was a dog.

Well, I have to go. I’m being chased by a tank in San Diego, I thought Dukakis retired.

Remember, the truth is out there… somewhere…

Event of the year: The Beatles almost reunite but some jerk named Mark screwed it up.

Fad:  Pin the tail on the Clintons

Babe of the Year: Ace Ventura

Scandal of the Year: Hugh Grant seen copulating with Divine

Movie or TV show to barf to: Jury Duty

What we could have done without: Jerry Garcia dying on us

Pet of the year: The Taco Bell Chihuahua

Other Tidbits: Tim McVeigh blows up the Goodyear Blimp, OJ found not guilty; fans rejoice by rioting in Montreal, Cal Ripken gets a bozo button for showing up, Michael Jordan breaks Roger Maris’ Home Run record, Ebay makes a killing selling grilled cheese sandwiches, America Online swears you got mail, The Unabomber writes Crime and Punishment, US pulls out of Somalia before she gets pregnant, Quebec secedes from Yugoslavia, The Dayton accord is signed in Savannah, The US government is closed for Halloween, Kevin Bacon nearly blows up Apollo 13, Selena is murdered; no one knows who the Hell she is, Waterworld named the greatest movie since Citizen Kane, Kevin Costner marries his ego, the Dancing Itos signed by the Ice Follies.

Now we’re getting to the part where I have to listen to a lot more albums. Found some good ones though, so here it is; my top twenty-five of ninety-five.

1)  I’m With Stupid- Aimee Mann

2)  The 6ths- Wasps’ Nests

3)  The Beatles- Anthology

4)  Blur- The Great Escape

5)  Flaming Lips- Clouds Taste Metallic

6)  Radiohead- The Bends

7)  Sparklehorse- Vivadixietransmissionsubmarineplot

8)  Brian Jonestown Massacre- Methodrone

9)  Apples in Stereo- Fun Trick Noisemaker

10)  Neil Young/Pearl Jam- Mirrorball

11)  PJ Harvey- To Bring You My Love

12)  Tricky- Maxinquaye

13)  Wilco- AM

14)  Magnetic Fields- Get Lost

15)  Smashing Pumpkins- Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

16)  Guided By Voices- Alien Lanes

17)  Pulp- Different Class

18)  Bjork- Post

19)  Elliott Smith- Elliott Smith

20)  Supergrass- I Should Coco

21)  Tindersticks- Tindersticks II

22)  Queen- Made in Heaven

23)  Oasis- (What’s the Story) Morning Glory

24)  Yo La Tengo- Electro-Pura

25)  Throwing Muses- University

Well this was a year for surprises and you can look at my Biggest Surprise to see what I’m talking about. Stephen Malkmus hit another home run as well with my runner up, the 6^ths’  Wasps’ Nests. The Threetles, as we liked to call them then, win the bronze with their CDs of outtakes and concert tapes while Blur and the Flaming Lips round out the top five. Gems are all abound in the lower top ten, but I would especially recommend the Brian Jonestown Massacre, another band you should be expecting to see a lot of. Other highlights include another great PJ Harvey album, Tricky, Pulp, Supergrass, and a great Queen effort with Freddy Mercury’s vocals post-mortem.

Biggest Surprise- Aimee Mann- I’m With Stupid

Now, don’t get me wrong; I really like Aimee Mann. She makes some of the most melodic music out there. She could even arguably, well, next to PJ Harvey, the best female artist of this period (though Sam Phillips could give her a run for her money).  Despite this, I never really expected Aimee to even come close to scoring my favorite album of any year, yet, I’m With Stupid ranks as one of the most melodic pieces I’ve ever heard. Just about every song on this album is a delight. So while I’m not surprised the album makes my list (It certainly would have been expected), I didn’t expect to be ready to fight people at the Walmart for the last copy.

Biggest Disappointment-  Slowdive- Pygmillion

Now it’s safe to say that Slowdive is an acquired taste. At their best, they can weave a tapestry of dreamy ambiance and they can lull you into a peaceful state of mind. Unfortunately, this particular album just lulls you to sleep. I think in many ways it’s forced and it certainly comes off as a bit boring to me. They broke up shortly after, so maybe they were packing it in, who knows?

Honorable Mention-  The Verve- A Northern Soul, The Chemical Brothers- Exit Planet Dust, Whiskeytown- Faithless Street, Moby- Everything is Wrong, Red House Painters- Ocean Beach

Stinker of the Year-  David Hasslehoff- David Hasslehoff.

Yeah, I know, it’s a compilation album but I had to put this guy somewhere. I mean he is practically the Elvis Presley of Germany. Really, he did tours there in between his Baywatch seasons and his drunken stupors in the bathroom. Yes, this guy knew how to rock and no one minded that he was not all that attractive. Now, please excuse me while I vomit.

Wow, only twenty two years to go. I feel like I’ve been in prison and waiting for parole. Well, I’m not getting one so stick around. We have 1996 to cover next. See you then.

1994

Hey, it’s OJ. Run, OJ, run…

Yes, my gherkins, this is the year the highest rated series of the year is the slow speed Bronco chase that everyone broke into regular programming for. And I was watching the NBA finals too.

It was a great diversion too because nobody noticed that the World Series was cancelled or there was some scandal called Whitewater. Why didn’t they call that Whitewatergate by the way? Everything else ends with gate, Koreagate, Monicagate, Gertiegate… wait, what did I do?

Michael Jackson got over his legal scare and married Elvis Presley’s daughter. And who thought it wouldn’t last? Some kid got caned in Thailand for stealing hubcaps or something like that. Boy, everyone is mean to bratty Americans. And then there is this ice skater named Tonya who likes to go clubbing. They let her in the Olympics anyway. Well, at least she didn’t dis Mickey Mouse like the person she went clubbing with (er, on?).

Michael Jordan is now playing baseball because he’s tired of basketball or something. He should have taken up golf. Did you know a Quarter Pounder with Cheese is called a Royale with Cheese? Actually it should be a Royale avec Fromage but maybe John Travolta doesn’t speak French. Don’t let Samuel L. Jackson quote bible scripture though, because… oops, too late.

A lot of people die this year, Jackie O. Kennedy, Richard M. Nixon, Kurt Cob- , oh no, I think I’m going to cry…

Well, some voice on the computer is saying I got mail. I hope it isn’t the Dial a Porn bill. I swear that talking dog gets too excited sometimes. Anyway, here is my top twenty-five of 1994.

Event of the year: Newt Gingrich signs a Contract with America and instantly breaks it

Fad:  Slow speed car chases while getting clubbed in the knee

Babe of the Year: Rosanne Arnold Barr (barf bags please)

Scandal of the Year: Bill Clinton announces he isn’t wearing underwear

Movie or TV show to barf to: The latest Police Academy ( was this 11 or 12?)

What we could have done without: Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley

Pet of the year: Tonya Harding

Other Tidbits: The Pentium is introduced, no one knows what a Pentium is, OJ falsely accused of murder, Nancy Kerrigan marries Mickey Mouse, OJ car chase preempted by the NBA Finals, The World Series is cancelled, no one likes baseball anyway, Kurt Cobain proclaimed a god by Kurt Loder, Jules Winnfield charged with mass murder by quoting scripture, President Clinton joins Guns n Roses, Woman sues Ronald McDonald for making bad coffee, he’s also seen in the kitchen with Wendy at parties, The Dancing Ito’s win on Star Search, Scientists discover that French Fries can make you fat, Jim Bakker released from prison, stars in Pulp Fiction, Tom Hanks concludes Hershey kisses are like a bunch of chocolates, Kramer breaks into Seinfeld’s apartment.

Musically this is the year indie starts to become a factor in my twenty-five. So here we go with 1994…

1) Guided By Voices- Bee Thousand

2)  Sam Phillips- Martins and Bikinis

3)  Magnetic Fields- The Charm of the Highway Strip

4)  Portishead- Dummy

5)  Johnny Cash- American Recordings

6)  Sebadoh- Bakesale

7)  Soundgarden- Superunknown

8)  Nine Inch Nails- The Downward Spiral

9)  Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds- Let Love In

10)  Manic Street Preachers- The Holy Bible

11)  Stereolab- Mars Audiac Quintet

12)  Built To Spill- There’s Nothing Wrong With Love

13)  Blur- Parklife

14)  Kristin Hersh- Hips and Makers

15)  Velvet Crush- Teenage Symphonies To God

16)  Jeff Buckley- Grace

17)  Beck- Mellow Gold

18)  REM- Monster

19)  Beastie Boys- Ill Communication

20)  Nirvana- Unplugged in New York

21)  Liz Phair- Whip Smart

22)  Auteurs- Now I’m a Cowboy

23)  Pulp- His n Hers

24)  Grant Lee Buffalo- Mighty Joe Moon

25)  Rancid- Let’s Go

Guided by Voices with their quirky Bee Thousand tops my list this year. Bob Pollard and company will prove to be one of my top artists of the nineties and beyond. They edge past Sam Phillips with her beautiful Martinis and Bikinis. My surprise is at number three while Portishead and the first of Johnny Cash’s American Recordings albums round out the top five. Top ten highlights include Sebadoh, Soundgarden, who was all over the place in 94-95, and another great Nick Cave album. Other standouts in my top twenty-five include Stereolab, a great Big Star influenced Velvet Crush, a surprising debut album by Beck, and, of course, Nirvana’s great unplugged appearance from MTV.

Biggest Surprise- Magnetic Fields- The Charm of the Highway Strip.

Now I’ve heard parts of 69 Love Songs at this writing and expect that album to rate high on my 1999 list and indeed I like quite a bit of Stephen Merritt and his projects. Wasn’t sure this would be as high on this year’s charts though given he was more or less starting out here, but this album is as solid as I expect 69 Love Songs to be. It’s Lo-Fi at its finest and I ended up putting this gem in at number three.

Biggest Disappointment-  The Pretenders- Last of the Independents.

In fairness, I was expecting to be turned off by this album. I’ll Stand By You is, to me, about as classic a song as My Heart Will Go On. Night In My Veins seemed to me like it was Chrissie Hynde going through the motions. As it turned out, the album isn’t quite as bad as I thought but it’s still pretty mediocre, and disappointing for a band that once played some of the best jangle pop out there. Sometimes, I wonder why she simply didn’t release the Pretenders as Chrissie Hynde since that’s what it really is. Anyway, this album is only fair at best.

Honorable Mention-  Bad Religion- Stranger Than Fiction, Freedy Johnston- This Perfect World, Elvis Costello- Brutal Youth, Soul Coughing- Ruby Vroom, Stone Temple Pilots- Purple

Stinker of the Year-  LaToya Jackson- From Nashville To You

Well, this is another way to get back at your brother, sing country. Yeah, Michael Jackson’s bad girl sister tries to do a country album. The problem is it’s not very country and it certainly isn’t soul. It isn’t even Paula Abdul. Good thing she made up with Michael before she found herself  singing grunge badly.

Well we’re halfway through the nineties. Be ready for next time as we cover the best of 1995. See you then.

1993

Got milk?

The talking dog has transported me to 1993 where you have the right one, baby. Computers are starting to become more popular but it’s a pain to get online. What is that screeching sound anyway? There’s a new President and they’re already trying to impeach him. There’s some people that don’t want him to be the Governor of Arkansas anymore.

Of course, President Bill is making for great entertainment. Everyone says he’s so slick. Does he wear boxers or briefs? The world is dying to know. It’s not a very good year as some prankster bombs the World Trade Center with a U-Haul and some wacko who thinks he’s David Koresh or something and burns down some compound in Waco because the ATF wouldn’t leave him alone and Janet Reno is incapable of reading tea leaves. Actually, I tried reading tea leaves once. It didn’t work though because I can’t read Sanskrit.

Beavis and Butthead are the biggest thing since Simon and Garfunkel. I wonder if they’ll do a cover of Sounds of Silence while they set fire to each other. Jack Kevorkian wants to perform executions on sick people. They could have used you when they were killing Ted Bundy.  Hey, there’s Snoop Doggy Dog; he’s so adorable. Don’t you just want to pet him? Stop chasing him, talking dog!

And watch out for that Loreena, talking dog. She’s armed- with hedgeclippers.

Well that was a close call. Ready for the best of 1993? Too bad, I’m doing it anyway.

Event of the year: President Clinton gets a haircut

Fad: Beating up Barney the Dinosaur

Babe of the Year: RuPaul

Scandal of the Year: Michael Jackson announces on MTV that they inspected his penis- his penis!

Movie or TV show to barf to: The Chevy Chase Show

What we could have done without: Got milk mustaches

Pets of the year: The Olsen Twins

Other Tidbits: Loreena Bobbitt performs a delicate operation on her husband, David Koresh enters Guiness’ Book of World Records with the World’s largest bonfire, A black hawk poops on Somali warlords, Ben Johnson banned for drinking Gatorade, The Brady Bill passes and the Brady Bunch is legalized, The name of the FBI is changed to NAFTA, Rabin and Arafat sign Barry Bonds, Steffi Graf stabs Monica Seles with a plastic fork, Robin Williams admits he’s really an old lady, Ted Danson does a bad impression of Al Jolson, River Phoenix bitten by a viper, Roger Clinton swears he isn’t Billy Carter, Heidi Fleiss doesn’t floss.

I’m seeing a little bit of retro glam on this list. I’m pretty excited. How about you? Okay, so you’re not, tough titties. Anyhow, here goes…

1)  Suede- Suede

2)  Nirvana- In Utero

3)  The Breeders- Last Splash

4)  Liz Phair- Exile In Guyville

5)  Mazzy Star- So Tonight I Might See

6)  PJ Harvey- Rid of Me

7)  Frank Black- Frank Black

8)  Tindersticks- Tindersticks

9)  The Flaming Lips- Transmissions From the Satelitte Heart

10)  The Aueturs- New Wave

11)  Manic Street Preachers- Gold Against the Soul

12)  Uncle Tupelo- Anodyne

13)  Red House Painters- Red House Painters II (Bridges)

14)  Stereolab-Transient Noise Bursts With Announcements

15)  Cracker- Kerosene Hat

16)  New Order- Republic

17)  Pearl Jam- Vs.

18)  Bjork- Debut

19)  Sheryl Crow- Tuesday Night Music Club

20)  Aimee Mann-Whatever

21)  The Posies- Frosting On the Beater

22)  Reverend Horton Heat- The Full Custom Gospel Sounds of…

23)  Jellyfish- Spilt Milk

24)  Slowdive- Souvlaki

25)  Catherine Wheel- Chrome

I was quite impressed with my number one pick this year. Suede reminded me a little of David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust period. It was close as Nirvana again scored big with in Utero. After them, it seems that women are dominating the rest of my top five as  The Breeders, Liz Phair (who’s also my surprise this year), and Mazzy Star round out the top five. And to add to good measure, PJ Harvey comes in at six. An amazing double album debut from Tindersticks highlights the rest of my top ten. Actually, 1993 is one of the best quality years ever. There are albums I really like that didn’t even make my honorable mentions such as Yo La Tengo’s Painful. As for the list and honorable mentions, check out the Red House Painters, Stereolab, the Posies, and Belly.

Biggest Surprise- Liz Phair- Exile In Guyville.

This album came with a lot of hype and she suffered some pretty bad press for it, but the truth is, this album really rocks. She sings with a touch of bitterness and it is obvious she isn’t going to take any guff off no one. It’s straightforward rock with no frills. She’ll never top this one as she goes a little more (though not overtly so) commercial.

Biggest Disappointment-  World Party- Bang!

Yeah, that’s pretty much what I wanted to do with this album, go bang. Karl Wallinger previously had a couple decent Beatlesque albums to his belt so I was expecting more of the same. What I got was somebody trying to be a little too hip. He was smart enough to go a little more McCartneyish later, but on this album, well, ugh!

Honorable Mention-  Mercury Rev- Boces, Sarah McLachlan- Fumbling Towards Ecstasy, Belly-Star, Smashing Pumpkins- Siamese Dream, Blur- Modern Life is Rubbish

Stinker of the Year-  Joey Lawrence- Joey Lawrence

Oh (squeal) It’s Joey Lawrence, the teen heartthrob from Blossom (Shriek!). Wow listen to him sounding like Debarge or something. Don’t forget to kick da smoove groove. He’s so cool, I just want to squeeze him- to death.

And it’s time to say goodnight (goodbye?) again. See you next time as we dissect 1994.

1992

 The talking dog has transported me to the year 1992. Hey, this isn’t 90210! You deceived me, talking dog!

Welcome to the real world when people stop being polite and start getting real. You know, something like something else I’m seeing on TV. People aren’t very happy and they’re burning all kinds of property. They even invade Beverly Hills; now I know why you didn’t transport me to 90210, thanks, talking dog, you can stop humping me now.

The big story this year though is the Presidential Election because Bill feels your pain. I don’t know though; I haven’t seen him wince once. He can’t keep it in his pants either and Or Her Either, his happy housewife, swears she isn’t Tammy Wynette. She isn’t Eleanor Roosevelt either but we can get to that later.

There’s also this guy with the big ears who likes to talk a lot. He keeps entering the race, then dropping out, then entering again. Geez, Ross, make up your mind, will ya? Meanwhile, President George is so popular, his poll numbers go down every time the big eared guy blows his nose. I bet he wins the election anyway (or maybe not).

Did you hear John Gotti is made of Teflon? I guess it wore off. Sinead O’Connor rips a picture of the Pope, that jokester. And Murphy Brown is a bad example, I guess she should have had an abortion, Dan, you can’t have it both ways.

Well, it’s time for my favorite twenty-five of 1992. Party on, Garth!

Event of the year: Big Brother finally shows up eight years late.

Fad:  Wars

Babe of the Year: The Long Island Lolita

Scandal of the Year: President Bush throws up on the Japanese Prime Minister (he really did)

Movie or TV show to barf to: Sally Jesse Raphael

What we could have done without: Woody Allen and Mia Farrow

Pet of the year: Gennifer Flowers

Other Tidbits: Hillary Clinton announces she isn’t Tammy Wynette, Tammy Wynette announces Hillary Clinton can kiss her grits, Somalia signs a peace treaty and war breaks out, NAFTA established as a breath mint, Ross Perot drops in, drops out, and turns on, Teflon sent to prison, the Mall of America covers North Dakota, No Fly Zone enforced in Delaware, Bush says ‘No New Taxes- sort of’, Men don’t vote for Bill Clinton- or her either, Rodney King asks if we can all get along, we kick his ass again, China gets super sized, Charles and Diana separate but will keep the TV variety show, Whoopi Goldberg becomes a singing nun, Wayne and Garth sued by Queen for plagiarism, Bill Clinton doesn’t inhale and is hospitalized for asphyxiation, George Steinbrenner announces there’s no crying in baseball, The Real World is filmed on a soundstage on the Moon.

Musically, it is another interesting year. There are some classic rock artists and a little hip hop in this year’s treats. Are you ready? Okay…

1)  REM- Automatic For the People

2)  PJ Harvey- Dry

3)  Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds- Henry’s Dream

4)  XTC-Nonsuch

5)  Arrested Development- 3 Years, 5 Months, 2 Days in the Life Of…

6)  Sonic Youth- Dirty

7)  Chris Bell- I Am the Cosmos

8) The Gories- Outta Here

9)  Neil Young- Harvest Moon

10)  Guided By Voices- Propeller

11)  Disposable Heroes of Hiphopcrisy- Hypocrisy is the Greatest Luxury

12)  Peter Gabriel- Us

13)  Morrissey- Your Arsenal

14)  Tori Amos- Little Earthquakes

15)  Cracker- Cracker

16)  They Might Be Giants- Apollo 18

17)  10,000 Maniacs- Our Time In Eden

18)  Beastie Boys- Check Your Head

19)  Sugar- Copper Blue

20)  Eric Clapton- Unplugged

21)  Manic Street Preachers- Generation Terrorists

22)  Jesus and Mary Chain- Honey’s Dead

23)  Stone Temple Pilots- Core

24)  Jonathan Richman- I, Jonathan

25)  Tom Tom Club- Dark Sneak Love Action

It’s an interesting top five for me this year. REM tops my list with their best album since Murmur, while PJ Harvey’s debut really rocks it. Nick Cave has his best album to date while a surprising XTC and Arrested Development round out my top five. Gems in my top ten include a posthumous release by Chris Bell, once of Big Star, Neil Young, and the first of many great entries by Guided By Voices. Other gems in the top twenty-five include Disposable Heroes, Peter Gabriel’s best effort ,imo,  Tori Amos, and Jonathan Richman.

Biggest Surprise- The Gories- Outta Here

I stumbled on this when I was looking for some retro Garage. It’s one of the best. Normally, those type of albums are good listens but they generally aren’t all that deserving of a top twenty-five. But this one sounds so authentic. I especially like There But For the Grace of God Go I. That one sounds like it’s straight from 1966. Definitely one of my favorite Garage albums.

Biggest Disappointment- U2- Zooropa.

Yes, after praising at least three of U2’s albums previously, I can say without reservation that this album sucks. It doesn’t even have Zoo Station since that was on Achtung Baby. The highlight of this lemon (this album does have a song called Lemons, doesn’t it?) is the Edge’s introduction as a singer, something called Numb, probably because that’s how the song makes you feel. The video’s even worse as we see Mr. Edge getting a foot massage on his face among other things. It’s one of the most cringe worthy videos ever. Oh well, at least he wasn’t as pretentious as another celebrated member of U2 (I wonder who that could possibly be?).

Honorable Mention-  Alice in Chains- Dirt, King Missile- Happy Hour, Rage Against the Machine- Rage Against the Machine, Bettie Seveert- Palomine, Screaming Trees- Sweet Oblivion

Stinker of the Year-  Billy Ray Cyrus- Some Gave All.

And Some Gave Back. Yes, this is not only the album that spawned us the Achy Breaky Heart, this is the guy that spawned us Hannah, um, Miley. Oh, yes, the Achy Breaky Heart was the dance craze that made everybody go wild. Even country fans were so excited they barfed on the person next to them. You can imagine the barroom brawls that erupted. Mercifully he went into obscurity after this hardboiled egg. Not so mercifully, he came back as Hannah Montana’s father in a nice piece of ingenuous casting by the nice folks at Disney. What a guy.

Well, only twenty five years to go. Do you realize it could be 2019 when I actually finish this thing? Well, I’m patient :D. See you next time.