1996

If I have to do the Macarena one more time, I’m going to hurl on the talking dog.

So Bob Dole says Bill Clinton is a weenie. Well, what’s new? Did you know Bob Dole doesn’t believe in new taxes? Bob Dole also says no to starch on his shirts. Does Bob Dole always have to speak in the third person? Don’t tickle me, Elmo, hee,hee!

Hey has anyone seen the Artist? He used to be a Prince but he abdicated and changed his name to some sort of swirly. I think it’s pronounced Nincompoop. They’re fighting on Jerry Springer again. Yeah, I have a final thought for you, pal! They finally got the Unabomber; why does he look like the Riddler?

And will OJ ever stay out of the news? They’re chasing his Bronco again but this time it’s because he lost some civil case. I guess he didn’t find the murderers. Too bad. Kathy Lee is getting flak for putting people to work in Central American sweatshops. Hey, they have to earn their fifty cents a day somehow. Did you hear they cloned Dolly Parton? That’s pretty scary (I will always looooove youuuuu!). Some guy named Jerry Lundegaard got his wife kidnapped and now she’s dead. It’s okay; it’s only a movie- sheesh!

Well, gotta go. Enjoy my top twenty-five for 1996 while they make me do the Macarena again.

Gee, talking dog, you’re a mess.

Event of the year: Chuck Norris singlehandedly defeats 350 rabid grizzly bears with his karate kicks.

Fad: Cloning

Babe of the Year: Marge Gunderson, the pregnant cop in Fargo

Scandal of the Year: Jerry Lundegaard bumbles his wife’s kidnapping and seven people are killed

Movie or TV show to barf to: Tom Green Show

What we could have done without: The Rachel Haircut, especially on men with beards

Pets of the year: Hanson

Other Tidbits: Snake Plissken rescues the President from Manhattan, OJ Simpson finds the killer of Nicole Simpson, Marcia Clark, Mars attacks because they need women, Osama Bin Laden banned from Harvard sorority for being male, The Charles and Diana Comedy Hour cancelled, Bill Clinton impeached for doing the Macarena, Bob Dole says Bob Dole won’t take Viagra, Mad cows with steak knives chase farmers, Dolly Parton is cloned, Elmo is pissed when you tickle him, Richard Jewell gets an award, gets charged, gets apology, gets laid, Jeeves is asked, he tells them to Google it, The Fresh Prince shot down by aliens, The Unabomber elected Governor of Montana, Oprah opens a comic book store, eats the comics, Mulder and Scully say the truth isn’t out there after all.

As for the music, there’s more indie rock, or at least that’s how it was defined then. It wasn’t a bad year to be sure. Anyway, here we go with this year’s gems…

1) The Eels- Beautiful Freak

2)  Olivia Tremor Control- Dusk at Cubist Castle

3)  Beck- Odelay

4)  Stereolab- Emperor Tomato Ketchup

5)  Brian Jonestown Massacre- Take It From the Man

6)  Manic Street Preachers- Everything Must Go

7)  Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds- Murder Ballads

8)  The Beatles- Anthology 2

9)  REM- New Adventures in Hi-Fi

10)  Johnny Cash- Unchained

11)  Cat Power- What Would the Community Think

12)  Fugees- The Score

13)  Curtis Mayfield- New World Order

14)  Sebadoh- Harmacy

15)  Elvis Costello- All This Useless Beauty

16)  The Beatles- Anthology 3

17)  Brian Jonestown Massacre- Thank God For Mental Illness

18)  Current 93- All the Pretty Little Horses

19)  Cake- Fashion Nugget

20)  Guided By Voices- Under the Bushes Under the Stars

21)  Wilco- Being There

22)  Neutral Milk Hotel- On Avery Island

23)  Stone Temple Pilots- Tiny Music: Songs From the Vatican Gift Shop

24)  Belle and Sebastian- Tigermilk

25)  Tricky- Pre-Millennium Tension

1996 was one boss year for albums. There are quite a few albums I like that don’t even make the honorable mentions. That in itself should be my biggest surprise. As for the ones that did make the list, it was close at the top, but I went with the Eels. Mark E has a knack of making the most depressing songs sound beautiful. I went with Olivia Tremor Control at number two with their psychedelic masterpiece while Beck gets the bronze with his best album. Stereolab and the Brian Jonestown Massacre round out my top five. The bottom ten include some great albums by Manic Street Preachers, REM, and Johnny Cash who is really in a groove right now. Other gems in my top twenty-five include Cat Power, Curtis Mayfield, and Current 93 which I recommend for those that like their folk a little bit on the darker side.

Biggest Surprise- Elvis Costello- All This Useless Beauty.

Okay, I know, this doesn’t make a lot of sense. I mean Costello is one of my all-time favorite artists, so why should be I surprised that an album of his would make my top twenty? Well, the Elvis Costello of the 1990s is not the same as the Elvis Costello of the 1970s. Later Costello would experiment with new sounds such as classical music, to his credit really, but not something I’d be a fan of necessarily. He also had a brief partnership with Paul McCartney that netted his Spike LP; that could either be taken positively or negatively as I always thought Costello was a little closer to Lennon musically. The idea of Elvis Costello singing Silly Love Songs seemed a little cringy to me. Anyhow, All This Useless Beauty is his best LP since Blood and Chocolate. It’s an impressive album in a pretty impressive year.

Biggest Disappointment-  The Cranberries- To the Faithful Departed.

Hey, anyone that dares to write a song called I Shot John Lennon either should be credited for having guts or have tomatoes or worse thrown at them. So, I’ll throw tomatoes. Lyrically, it’s kind of preachy which certainly turned the critics off. For me, I just think it’s a little pretentious; not truly horrible, just pretentious.

Honorable Mention-  Super Furry Animals- Fuzzy Logic, Cracker- The Golden Age, Robert Pollard- Not in My Airforce, Sleater- Kinney- Call the Doctor, Mountain Goats- Nothing For Juice.

Stinker of the Year-  Hootie and the Blowfish- Fairweather Johnson.

Oh this one is too easy. These guys were the darlings of VH-1. You could hear the chorus now, “Give me Hootie!” Well, they got him, and VH-1 was so successful they soon switched to their highbrow celebriality programming. Darius Rucker would go on to fail as the next Charlie Pride of country.

And there you go. Hey it gets exciting again as the Clinton scandals are getting hot. The music isn’t too bad either. So, get ready and I’ll see you next time.