1995

 Welcome to 1995 where the water is white and Newt is foaming at the mouth. No, really, he looks like a pit bull. You can see the resemblance. Maybe he should write a book.

 He doesn’t like President Billy either. Just think, if he can get President Billy and his assistant (No, not her) impeached, he can be President and the world will be safe for angry white men once again. Well maybe not, cause then they’d be starving too.

So who care if the government shuts down?  I’m watching the OJ trial. Isn't the DA annoying? I mean it’s always Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! And the gloves don’t fit OJ either. Well, you could have bought a pair in his size, Santa. What do you mean they found OJ not guilty? Wow, all the blacks are celebrating like Oakland won the Super Bowl while the angry white men are now even angrier. This is the worst thing to happen since Pearl Harbor. I met Pearl Harbor once; she’s a rather nice lady if a little dotty. She put garlic in my tea. She thought it was lemon. Poor thing.

And Cal Ripken is the greatest thing since Maypo just for showing up for work. And all I got was seventy-five cents a week, Bah!

A million men marched on Washington. I bet that hurt. They have the X games on ESPN because the Y games weren’t available (bad joke, I know). I’m in love with Yanni. The talking dog isn’t though, and he sicced Buzz Lightyear on him. I didn’t know Tim Allen was a dog.

Well, I have to go. I’m being chased by a tank in San Diego, I thought Dukakis retired.

Remember, the truth is out there… somewhere…

Event of the year: The Beatles almost reunite but some jerk named Mark screwed it up.

Fad:  Pin the tail on the Clintons

Babe of the Year: Ace Ventura

Scandal of the Year: Hugh Grant seen copulating with Divine

Movie or TV show to barf to: Jury Duty

What we could have done without: Jerry Garcia dying on us

Pet of the year: The Taco Bell Chihuahua

Other Tidbits: Tim McVeigh blows up the Goodyear Blimp, OJ found not guilty; fans rejoice by rioting in Montreal, Cal Ripken gets a bozo button for showing up, Michael Jordan breaks Roger Maris’ Home Run record, Ebay makes a killing selling grilled cheese sandwiches, America Online swears you got mail, The Unabomber writes Crime and Punishment, US pulls out of Somalia before she gets pregnant, Quebec secedes from Yugoslavia, The Dayton accord is signed in Savannah, The US government is closed for Halloween, Kevin Bacon nearly blows up Apollo 13, Selena is murdered; no one knows who the Hell she is, Waterworld named the greatest movie since Citizen Kane, Kevin Costner marries his ego, the Dancing Itos signed by the Ice Follies.

Now we’re getting to the part where I have to listen to a lot more albums. Found some good ones though, so here it is; my top twenty-five of ninety-five.

1)  I’m With Stupid- Aimee Mann

2)  The 6ths- Wasps’ Nests

3)  The Beatles- Anthology

4)  Blur- The Great Escape

5)  Flaming Lips- Clouds Taste Metallic

6)  Radiohead- The Bends

7)  Sparklehorse- Vivadixietransmissionsubmarineplot

8)  Brian Jonestown Massacre- Methodrone

9)  Apples in Stereo- Fun Trick Noisemaker

10)  Neil Young/Pearl Jam- Mirrorball

11)  PJ Harvey- To Bring You My Love

12)  Tricky- Maxinquaye

13)  Wilco- AM

14)  Magnetic Fields- Get Lost

15)  Smashing Pumpkins- Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

16)  Guided By Voices- Alien Lanes

17)  Pulp- Different Class

18)  Bjork- Post

19)  Elliott Smith- Elliott Smith

20)  Supergrass- I Should Coco

21)  Tindersticks- Tindersticks II

22)  Queen- Made in Heaven

23)  Oasis- (What’s the Story) Morning Glory

24)  Yo La Tengo- Electro-Pura

25)  Throwing Muses- University

Well this was a year for surprises and you can look at my Biggest Surprise to see what I’m talking about. Stephen Malkmus hit another home run as well with my runner up, the 6^ths’  Wasps’ Nests. The Threetles, as we liked to call them then, win the bronze with their CDs of outtakes and concert tapes while Blur and the Flaming Lips round out the top five. Gems are all abound in the lower top ten, but I would especially recommend the Brian Jonestown Massacre, another band you should be expecting to see a lot of. Other highlights include another great PJ Harvey album, Tricky, Pulp, Supergrass, and a great Queen effort with Freddy Mercury’s vocals post-mortem.

Biggest Surprise- Aimee Mann- I’m With Stupid

Now, don’t get me wrong; I really like Aimee Mann. She makes some of the most melodic music out there. She could even arguably, well, next to PJ Harvey, the best female artist of this period (though Sam Phillips could give her a run for her money).  Despite this, I never really expected Aimee to even come close to scoring my favorite album of any year, yet, I’m With Stupid ranks as one of the most melodic pieces I’ve ever heard. Just about every song on this album is a delight. So while I’m not surprised the album makes my list (It certainly would have been expected), I didn’t expect to be ready to fight people at the Walmart for the last copy.

Biggest Disappointment-  Slowdive- Pygmillion

Now it’s safe to say that Slowdive is an acquired taste. At their best, they can weave a tapestry of dreamy ambiance and they can lull you into a peaceful state of mind. Unfortunately, this particular album just lulls you to sleep. I think in many ways it’s forced and it certainly comes off as a bit boring to me. They broke up shortly after, so maybe they were packing it in, who knows?

Honorable Mention-  The Verve- A Northern Soul, The Chemical Brothers- Exit Planet Dust, Whiskeytown- Faithless Street, Moby- Everything is Wrong, Red House Painters- Ocean Beach

Stinker of the Year-  David Hasslehoff- David Hasslehoff.

Yeah, I know, it’s a compilation album but I had to put this guy somewhere. I mean he is practically the Elvis Presley of Germany. Really, he did tours there in between his Baywatch seasons and his drunken stupors in the bathroom. Yes, this guy knew how to rock and no one minded that he was not all that attractive. Now, please excuse me while I vomit.

Wow, only twenty two years to go. I feel like I’ve been in prison and waiting for parole. Well, I’m not getting one so stick around. We have 1996 to cover next. See you then.