2002

The talking dog has transported me to 2002. What a depressing year. Now I can’t even take a pee because if I do, the terrorists win. I guess that explains why President Junior is getting everyone in a lather over that mean guy in Iraq. Well, if we do have a war (again), at least no child will be left behind.

You don’t want to go to DC this year. Some angry white man is running around shooting people for no reason. What do you mean the shooter is black? Okay, then, some angry black man is running around shooting people, him and his boy wonder, Pinky, or whatever they call him.

Some guy named Trent did a whoopsie after he implied he liked to go back to the good ol’ days of colored bathrooms. Boy did he get in trouble. It was even worse when he showed up on Jesse Jackson’s favorite channel to redeem himself… HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Hey, did you hear all those rolling blackouts in California were a way to make some multi- millionaires rich? Well, you need a lot of money when you’re addicted to Lay’s potato chips. Anyway, now they’re in real big trouble. Hope he has a good lawyer, is Mark Geragos available?

The TV has all these cool shows. I mean there’s American Idol… I want to be on American Idol. I can sing, really. I hear I can make Simon Cowell plead for mercy. Now that would be something. There’s also the Anna Nicole Show. I wonder if she’ll have guests like Shecky Green. And then there is that commercial for Johnny Walker Lindh. What, you mean they’re not supposed to advertise hard liquor on TV? Ah, he’s just a dumb kid, anyway, really dumb.

Well here is my top twenty-five of 2002. And don’t forget to keep an eye on that Axis of Evil, Iraq, North Korea, and Massachusetts.

Ted Williams is alive, alive!!!

Event of the year: The DC Sniper revealed to be Merv Griffin

Fad: Saber Rattling

Babe of the Year: Lara Croft

Scandal of the Year: Children are left behind at McDonalds

Movie or TV show to barf to: Celebrity Boxing

What we could have done without: Fox News (We report, we decide)

Pet of the year: Michael Moore

Other Tidbits: The Queen celebrates 50 years as the Pope, President Bush announces the Axis of Evil as Iraq, North Korea, and San Francisco, Enron named most scrupulous company of the year, To stop terrorism, the Department of Parks is created, Israeli commandos keep Yassar Arafat in a box, The Mars Odyssey finds water in Michigan, President Bush survives assassination attempt by a pretzel, Darth Vader tells Frodo he is his father, Michael Jackson shows everyone his blanket, Anna Nicole Smith wins American Idol, Eminem is beaten up by Triumph the Wonder Dog, Rosie O’Donnell announces she’s still a little teapot short and stout, Scott Stapp announces he’s bigger than the Beatles, Nickleback sent to outer space on a goodwill mission- or so they say. Weird Al Yankovic announces he’s still weird.

Well, I’m not weird, right? Okay, let’s go with it shall we?...

1)  Wilco- Yankee Hotel Foxtrot

2)  Flaming Lips- Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots

3)  Johnny Cash- American IV: The Man Comes Around

4)  Steve Earle- Jerusalem

5)  Mountain Goats- All Hail West Texas

6)  David Bowie- Heathen

7)  George Harrison- Brainwashed

8)  Beth Gibbons/ Rustin Man- Out of Season

9)  Gomez- In Our Gun

10)  Bruce Springsteen- The Rising

11)  Bright Eyes- Lifted Or The Story Is In The Soil

12)  Black Heart Procession- Amore Del Tropico

13)  Decemberists- Castaways and Cutouts

14)  Neko Case- Blacklisted

15)  Spoon- Kill the Moonlight

16)  Okkervil River- Don’t Fall In Love With Everyone You See

17)  Of Montreal- Aldhils Arbortorium

18)  Guided By Voices- Universal Truths and Cycles

19)  Tom Petty- The Last DJ

20)  Aimee Mann- Lost In Space

21)  Apples in Stereo- Velocity in Sound

22)  Frank Black and the Catholics- Black Letter Days

23)  Rilo Kiley- The Execution of All Things

24)  Wovenhand- Wovenhand

25)  The Warlocks-Phoenix

This turns out to be a great year as I have a handful of near misses that couldn’t quite make honorable mention. In the meantime, Wilco gets the gold this year with their brilliant Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. It edges out the eccentrically beautiful Yoshimi while Johnny Cash’s swan song of sorts (he passes away next year), Steve Earle, and my surprise round out the top five. I love the following three as well as David Bowie makes a great comeback, imo, and George Harrison comes up with a great swan song of his own. I also would highly recommend Beth Gibbons of Portishead with one of my favorite folk albums in a long time. As for the rest of my twenty-five, I could argue all of them are gems but I especially was surprised with the Black Heart Procession, Neko Case, Frank Black, and Rilo Kiley. There are a bunch of albums that I call near misses and aren’t mentioned here. Of those I would rate Songs Of the Deaf by Queens of the Stone Age the best of the rest.

Biggest Surprise-  Mountain Goats- All Hail West Texas

Now I kind of like the Mountain Goats, but I never expected to see them in my top five and yet, this great piece of acoustic work does just that. It’s not especially polished, which has always been their style. It’s really more John Darnielle than anything else but a band they are nonetheless. As for the album, it’s kind of what folk should sound like in the 21^st century. I just love the earthiness of the entire album and, of course, the great song selection.

Biggest Disappointment- The Roots- Phrenlology

Okay, first a disclaimer. Except for a few artists, I’m not really a big fan of hip-hop. The Roots though are one of the exceptions and it is because of the one song on this album that I especially like, The Seed 2.0. Unfortunately, I can’t get into the other tracks as much and I even had to switch to another album somewhere late in the album. I imagine hip hop fans will love the album but I just couldn’t get into it.

Honorable Mention-  The Black Keys- The Big Come Up, Iron and Wine- The Creek Drank the Cradle, Pedro the Lion- Control, Board of Canada- Geogaddi, Elvis Costello- When I Was Cruel

Stinker of the Year-  Corey Feldman- Former Child Actor

And he didn’t even get any help from his buddy, Michael Jackson. Well, at least he didn’t go the Disney sounding pop route. It’s supposed to be heavy metal which, compared to Pat Boone’s metal album, I guess it was. Listen to Jingle Bell Rock and happily vomit.

So we’re past our first year into the new normal. Stay tuned for next year when a shark eats Vice President Darth Vader. See you then.