1983

The talking dog has transported me to the year 1983 where all the girls have big hair and so do the guys. It’s now cool for heavy metal heroes to look like drag queens. Ooh, Vince Neil, I bet you look cute in leotards but you need to shave your legs first.

Michael Jackson is the biggest star since the Beatles. Well that sounds thrilling. Guess I’ll have to beat it (hey, it’s a joke, son- geez!). They have a new Miss America but they make her turn in her crown because only white girls are supposed to pose naked. Clint Eastwood invades Grenada. Well, I think it was Clint Eastwood; he did a movie about it.

I want to be a Valley Girl so I can do the Moonwalk like Michael Jackson. I heard it was invented on Mars. James Watt doesn’t like the Beach Boys. That’s okay; they don’t like him either. Apparently, neither does President Ronnie because he made him quit.

And Diana Ross does a concert in the rain. Be careful; you might get electrocuted and start thinking you’re one of the Supremes. And MASH ended and thank God. It’s about time the Korean War ended after eleven years. I mean that was almost as long as the Vietnam War.

Well, my Cabbage Patch Doll is calling me so I have to go. I pity the fool that doesn’t like my 1983 list…

Event of the year: The Korean War finally ends. Captain Hawkeye Pierce is court-martialed.

Fad: Dial a Porn

Babe of the Year: Miss Pacman

Scandal of the Year: Gobo Fraggle does Miss Piggy

Movie or TV show to barf to: Duran Duran videos

What we could have done without: Cabbage Patch Kids

Pet of the year: Mr. T

Other Tidbits: Star Wars IV starring Ronald Reagan debuts, The Hitler diaries released; Hitler confesses to shooting JFK, Elvis Presley spotted at Safeway, Dirty Harry invades Grenada, Sally Ride appointed to the Supreme Court, Dustin Hoffman revealed to be a crossdresser, Mortimer and Randolph Duke busted for gambling, Mister Robinson’s Neighborhood is canceled, Barbie is charged with war crimes, Ken is acquitted, Diana Ross gets wet, Catfights the rage in Denver, Colorado.

Musically, this is the year REM becomes a factor in my list. They aren’t exactly the Beatles, but they’re the closest thing for me since them. Anyway, some interesting gems for this year so here we go…

1)  REM- Murmur

2)  U2- War

3)  Violent Femmes- Violent Femmes

4)  Eurythmics- Sweet Dreams Are Made of This

5)  Aztec Camera- High Land, Hard Rain

6)  The The- Soul Mining

7)  X- More Fun in the New World

8)  Talking Heads- Speaking in Tongues

9)  Green On Red- Gravity Talks

10)  The Undertones- The Sin of Pride

11)  Pylon- Chomp

12)  Tom Waits- Swordfishtrombones

13)  The Cure- Japanese Whispers

14)  The Bongos- Numbers With Wings (EP)

15)  Bob Dylan- Infidels

16)  Paul Simon- Hearts and Bones

17)  Marshall Crenshaw- Field Day

18)  Plimsouls- Everywhere At Once

19)  Ramones- Subterranean Jungle

20)  Shriekback- Care

21)  Stray Cats- Rant and Rave With the Stray Cats

22)  Bill Nelson- Chimera

23)  New Order- Power Corruption and Lies

24)  Let’s Active- Afoot (EP)

25)  Echo and the Bunnymen- Crocodiles

As noted, REM takes the top prize for the first of three times. They are easily my best band post Beatles and are in fact only second to the Beatles (Bowie is my third favorite). Sorry, to break the U2 haters’ hearts, but War, to me, is a brilliant album. I guess it helps that this is long before Bono becomes such a pretentious ass. The Violent Femmes, with their minimalist sound, takes the bronze while the Eurythmics and Aztec Camera round out my top five. Aztec Camera is interesting because, at the time, they were in competition with REM as the top college rock band  (REM obviously winning that war). In the top ten, The The and Green On Red are the obvious standouts. Green On Red has a great psychedelic folk rock vibe to me. Other gems in my top twenty-five include the wild Pylon album, a surprising Bob Dylan effort; he’s still in his Christian phase here, and a cool EP from the Mitch Easter produced Let’s Active. You may notice more EPs over the next several years on my lists. Also note Kix in my Honorable Mentions. This sort of heavy metal band was really big around Baltimore in the Eighties; they aren’t half bad.

Biggest Surprise- Paul Simon- Hearts and Bones

I only really considered this album because of the Late Great Johnny Ace. I have a thing for Lennon Tributes (this includes Queen’s Life is Real, Elton John’s Empty Gardens, and McCartney’s haunting Here Today). I was, needless to say, surprised to like this album in general. I’d argue that this album is better than his two best known efforts, Graceland and Still Crazy After All These Years. It might be his best ever though his debut is also pretty decent. In any event, a pleasant surprise.

Biggest Disappointment- Orchestral Manoevers in the Dark- Dazzle Ships.

Well, this one wasn’t as good as I had hoped. The first three tracks are experimental to be polite. Now, I know OMD was starting to get into a more commercial phase at this point so maybe that’s where my disappointment lies; that they got to that point a little sooner than I thought. Strange album.

Honorable Mention- Elvis Costello- Punch the Clock, Kix- Cool Kids, Rank and File- Sundown, Pink Floyd- The Final Cut, Bauhaus- Burning From the Inside

Stinker of the Year-  Kiss- Lick It Up.

Oh, yes, Kiss finally makes the big time. How many old timers remember the great event hyped by MTV about Kiss taking their makeup off? Yeah, we were all excited for the moment. Then they did, and we were like, put your makeup back on! Yeah, Lick it Up was like that too. I guess it was a good thing Top 40 AM was pretty much dead by now. Then again, there was FM Hot Hits. Noooooo! Hey at least they didn’t play Dance All Over Your Face.

So there you go, another top  twenty-five over and deeper in debt, or something like that. See you next time.