1985

The talking dog has transported me to the year 1985 and I’m greeted by this bad computer animation that wants me to try this new drink. That’s not new, that’s Coke, I say. He says try it, you’ll like it. I try it; I don’t like it. And Max laughs. Okay, wise guy, how about I unplug you, you piece of shaving cream?

They’re still trying to ban Rock n Roll, or at least Heavy Metal anyway. I didn’t know wives of United States Senators had so much clout. Hulk Hogan is the biggest thing since Mr. T since he beat him up for the Heavyweight Title on Wrestlemania or something. You look mahvelous, well. thank you.

This is the year of Live Aid, Farm Aid, and Talking Dog Aid. Of course the last one is a fraud but don’t tell the talking dog; he might bite me. Besides, I got Money for Nothing. Hey, did you hear Michael Jackson bought all the rights to the Beatles’ songs? Boy is Paul pissed. Star Wars is big in the theatres again, well, everywhere but in Russia for some reason. Those sillies think Darth Vader is going to nuke their nuclear weapons or something. Anyway, they now have this guy with a birthmark on his head who wants to do Glastnost or something. I hope he succeeds but he really needs to wear a toupee or something like President Ronnie does. Actually, maybe he just dyes his hair. And Pee Wee Herman needs to grow up. Yeah, I know you are but what am I? No, I’m not!

Well, that was tiring. Let’s check out this year’s top twenty-five while I put Herman in a headlock like Hulk Hogan.

Event of the year: John Denver admits to the PMRC he’s really Alice Cooper.

Fad: Live Aid

Babe of the Year: Dr. Ruth Westheimer

Scandal of the Year: Proceeds to We Are the World actually go to famine relief.

Movie or TV show to barf to: Helltown

What we could have done without: New Coke

Pet of the year: Tipper Gore

Other Tidbits: Rock Hudson dies of a bad cold, People protest Apartheid in South Africa and demand the head of Alfredo Garcia, Terrorists hijack the Achille Lauro and demand to be taken to New Zealand, Mikhail Gorbachev installed as Governor of South Dakota, Terry Anderson kidnapped; named sexiest man alive by People, Philadelphia Police fails in moving MOVE, Lyndon Larouche followers claim AIDS is carried by gargoyles, Michael Jackson buys Paul McCartney, Bob Knight wins the gold medal in chair throwing, Michael J Fox invents Rock n Roll, Michael Jordan wins Wrestlemania, We built this city with corporate rock, Super Mario busted for duck hunting.

College Rock is still on the menu this year. For me it was kind of a second renaissance musically speaking. It makes for a fun top Twenty-Five. And here we go…

1)  The Jesus and Mary Chain- Psychocandy

2)  REM- Fables of the Reconstruction

3)  The Fall- This Nation’s Saving Grace

4)  Tom Waits- Rain Dogs

5)  The Replacements- Tim

6)  Dukes of Stratosphear – 25 O’ Clock (EP)

7)  Camper Van Beethoven- Telephone Free Landslide Victory

8)  Talking Heads- Little Creatures

9)  New Order- Low-Life

10)  Fishbone- Fishbone (EP)

11)  Nice Cave and the Bad Seeds- The Firstborn is Dead.

12)  Husker Du- Flip Your Wig

13)  Dead Kennedys- Frankenchrist

14)  Eurythmics - Be Yourself Tonight

15)  John Cougar Mellencamp- Scarecrow

16)  Suzanne Vega- Suzanne Vega

17)  The Colourfield- Virgins and Philistines

18)  Robyn Hitchcock and the Egyptians- Fegmania

19)  The Pogues- Rum Sodomy and the Leash

20)  The Three O’Clock- Arrive Without Traveling

21)  Sting- Dream of the Blue Turtles

22)  The Smiths- Meat is Murder

23)  Husker Du- New Day Rising

24)  Prince- Around the World in 80 Days

25)  Chris Isaak- Silvertone

An interesting year to be sure. The Jesus and Mary Chain top this year’s list with something that the Velvet Underground might have sounded like if they were a British psychedelic band. Brilliant guitar work. REM scores with another great album. The Fall’s best album is at three while a great Tom Waits album and the Replacements round out the top five. Two fantastic EPs are in my top ten. The Dukes of Stratosphear (aka XTC) come up with one of the most authentic sounding retro paisley pop pieces ever while Fishbone gets in the top ten with their wacky solo debut featuring Party At Ground Zero, my favorite nuclear war song XD . Other notables include the Dead Kennedys, the Colourfield, and Chris Isaak as well as the Dead Milkmen in my honorable mentions. Incidentally, the Eurythmics deserve special mention because they were the favorite band of a love interest of mine a few years later. Alas, she married one of my best friends, the vixen :D.

Biggest Surprise- John Cougar Mellencamp- Scarecrow

I’m not particularly a big Mellencamp fan though he isn’t bad. I always have thought of him as a poor man’s Springsteen. I do really like this album though, easily his best. Just about every track is a good listen. He also has some of his most popular songs on this album. He never topped this album.

Biggest Disappointment- X- Ain’t Love Grand.

After four amazing albums, X is beginning to sound like they’re going through the motions here. Burning House of Love is a great song but it sounds like they’re going for the big hit single. As for the rest of the album, the tracks might have well been covers like on some fifties album. Anyhow, a bit of a disappointment for me.

Honorable Mention-  The Dead Milkmen- Big Lizard in My Backyard, The Blasters- Hard Line, Hoodoo Gurus- Mars Needs Guitars, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers- Southern Accents, Killing Joke- Night Time.

Stinker of the Year-  Eddie Murphy- How Could It Be

Oh, no, it’s era of the actor singers. And nobody does it better (or worse) than that guy from Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood, Axel Foley. See him croon his classic hit Party All the Time with a little help from Rick James. You should have let him cover Superfreak, Rick. Maybe Eddie might have done better with that, then again…

Hey, only thirty- two years to go, are we tired yet? I hope not cause I’m just getting started. See you next time.