1987

I’m now transported to the year 1987. They’re having these hearings in Washington in what they’re saying is the biggest scandal since Watergate. Apparently, they’re accusing President Ronnie that he's selling arms to Iran so they’d free the hostages and maybe go to war with his buddy, Saddam Hussein Obama or something, and then he could support the Contras in Nicaragua and sign their star pitcher to the Baltimore Orioles or something. I wish he had succeeded; the Orioles really sucked in 1987.

Anyway, this guy they call Oliver is the biggest star since Elvis. I don’t know why since he talks about going to Parkland Hosiery for his wife or something. Does he wear pantyhose? I thought only Joe Namath did that. Well, at least his lawyer wasn't a potted plant.

It’s not the only scandal this year. There’s this televangelist and his wife that looks like a drag queen. They’ve been taking money from their followers and living in a palace and building their own amusement park. Moral Jerry didn’t like it so he exposed them. Now the televangelist is crying all the way to jail while the drag queen is finally taking her makeup off. See, Tammy, you don’t look so bad.

Some guy named Bork is up for the Supreme Court, but the Democrats don’t like him. Neither do some of the Republicans, so President Ronnie replaces him with someone who likes to get high. The Democrats don’t like him either and the Republicans really don’t like him so Ronnie nominates a Kennedy. And the Democrats love him, well, better than Bork anyway.

Well, that’s about it. I’m enjoying the Tiffany concert at the mall with my talking dog, who’s going after a dog carrying a beer (weird). Hey, talking dog, that’s Spuds Mackenzie, leave him alone. Sheesh!

Well here’s the top twenty-five of 1987 anyway.

Event of the year: Reagan and Gorbachev develop a fatal attraction

Fad:  Televangelist scandals

Babe of the Year: The Church Lady

Scandal of the Year: Brendan Sullivan admits he's a potted plant

Movie or TV show to barf to: Ishtar

What we could have done without: Actors recording albums

Pet of the year: Oliver North

Other Tidbits: Steve Martin busted for walking like an Egyptian, President Reagan can’t recall if he put his teeth in, It is discovered that Brendan Sullivan is in fact a potted plant, Kid lands in Red Square, sent to Siberia, Reagan demands Gorbachev tear down the Great Wall of China, Tammy Faye Bakker joins the circus, Oral Roberts holds himself hostage, Oliver North records an album, Barbie captured by Israelis but Ken still at large, Robert Bork announces he is not a member of the Communist party, Reagan nominates a pothead for Supreme Court Justice, Cherry Cola marries Jerry Garcia and becomes Cherry Garcia, Larouche says the Good Humor man spreads AIDS,  Ingo Montoya kills my father, prepares to die, Link stalks Zelda, U2 performs a rooftop concert and Bono falls off the ledge, Patrick Swayze puts Baby Jessica in a corner, Black Monday is followed  by Green Tuesday and Blue Wednesday, Michael Jackson does nothing absolutely weird.

Musically things are heating up again as some great albums would be coming out in the late eighties. I think I have a pretty interesting list for 1987 (well, I think so anyway) so here goes…

1)  U2- The Joshua Tree

2)  Midnight Oil- Diesel and Dust

3)  Spacemen 3- The Perfect Prescription

4)  REM- Document

5)  Depeche Mode- Music For the Masses

6)  Sinead O’Connor- The Lion and the Cobra

7)  The Replacements- Pleased To Meet Me

8)  Concrete Blonde- Concrete Blonde

9)  George Harrison- Cloud Nine

10)  Husker Du- Warehouse: Songs and Stories

11)  Dukes of Stratosphear- Psychic Psunspot

12)  Sisters of Mercy- Floodland

13)  Erasure- The Circus

14)  Public Enemy- Yo! Bum Rush the Show

15)  10,000 Maniacs- In My Tribe

16)  Guns ‘n’ Roses- Appetite For Destruction

17)  Tom Waits- Frank’s Wild Years

18)  The Smiths- Strangeways Here We Come

19)  Pet Shop Boys- Actually

20)  John Mellencamp- The Lonesome Jubilee

21)  The Cure- Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me

22)  Bruce Springsteen- Tunnel of Love

23)  John Hiatt- Bring the Family

24)  Dead Milkmen- Bucky Fellini

25)  Til’ Tuesday- Welcome Home

Okay, before you U2 haters start calling me names, let me defend my number one pick by arguing that this is the best collection of songs they ever assembled. Yes, it’s occasionally pretentious (aping the Beatles’ rooftop concert in the Where the Streets Have No Name video isn’t one of their best moments), but come on, this album has Bullet the Blue Sky and In God’s Country. How can I not rate this album highly? Yeah, yeah, I know, go listen to Captain Beefheart or something :D.

As for the rest of my top five, Midnight Oil gets the silver; my favorite album from them. The spaced out Spacemen 3 get the bronze while REM makes a comeback and Depeche Mode scores big to round out the top five. Gems in my top ten include Sinead O’Connor (yeah, the whack job was pretty good in her day),  Concrete Blonde, and a great comeback from George Harrison. Other notable albums include Public Enemy, Guns n Roses (from two genres that are not among my favorites but these albums are great), and a solid Cure album. I also should mention the Sisters of Mercy, the reigning goth rock kings of the day.

Biggest Surprise- 10000 Maniacs- In My Tribe.

I really don’t groove to Natalie Merchant and friends too much, so I was surprised to really like this album. It’s a nice folk-rock album. I especially liked Hey, Jack Kerouac. It doesn’t seem quite as poppy as later Maniac works which I think works very well on this album. I can see the comparisons to REM.

Biggest Disappointment- Pink Floyd- A Momentary Lapse of Reason.

 I guess this really can’t be called a disappointment since they were more or less David Gilmour’s back up band at this point with Roger Waters having left. It’s essentially half ‘what’s left of Pink Floyd’ and Gilmour’s solo LP. What it ends up as is a boring mess. If there’s any consolation though, Roger Waters’ solo efforts aren’t exactly Mozart either.

Honorable Mention - Dbs- The Sound of Music, Thin White Rope- Moonhead, Love and Rockets- Sun, Earth, Moon, Eurythmics- Savage, Suzanne Vega- Solitude Standing

Stinker of the Year-  Bruce Willis- The Return of Bruno.

And our trilogy ends with the warbling rhythm and blues sounds of the screaming Bruce Willis. Okay, he doesn’t scream, of course he doesn’t sing either. This rag tag collection of mostly covers makes you want to die real hard. And don’t forget Secret Agent Man because James Bond is Back (Ick).

Well, we’ve survived Iran-Contra and Jim Bakker, not to mention the Gary Hart scandal, Oral Roberts, acid rain, Debbie Gibson…

See you next year J