1980

Welcome to the eighties where everything is starting to get computerized, well, digital watches are anyway. Do you know it’s day whatever of the Iranian Hostage Crisis? Well, you should know; I mean it’s on TV all the time. Doesn’t Ted Koppel look just like Alfred E. Neumann? Meanwhile, the talking dog has to register for the draft because President Jimmy is mad at the Russians for invading Afghanistan. That’s okay, though, we’ll show them at the Olympics in Moscow this year.

Some guy named Ronnie is asking me if I’m  better off than I was four years ago? How would I know? I’m from 1891 for Bonzo’s sake. Meanwhile, there goes Jimmy again. Who shot JR? When after all it was you and me. Some jerk named Mark really screwed it up for the Beatles reunion. Thanks a lot, Mark, how’s Attica? Mean Joe Greene won’t give me his jersey, he’s so mean. It’s Mr. Bill getting sued, noooo!

Things are really solid over in Poland. Some bull is raging or something. Oh, yeah, they keep counting days on this show called Nightline or something. The hostages are still in Iran and are bigger than the Beatles who are bigger than… Okay, no more record burnings, geez!

Did anyone see that new show, Pink Lady and Jeff? That show will be on forever, isn’t that incredible? There’s some new scandal they’re calling Abscam. I thik it has something to do with some Senator not knowing how to recite the alphabet. No, Mr. Rubik, don’t throw that cube at me- ouch!

Do you have any Grey Poupon? Okay, I’ll stop now.

Event of the year: Bing Crosby relative shoots JR

Fad: Counting days in the Iranian Hostage Crisis

Babe of the Year: Lech Walesa

Scandal of the Year: Darth Vader revealed to be Luke’s father. Laura devastated.

Movie or TV show to barf to: Pink Lady and Jeff

What we could have done without: Killer Clowns

Pet of the year: Phyllis Schafly

Other Tidbits: Airplane Blow Up Pilot Doll killed in helicopter crash in Iran, US boycotts Moscow Olympics because Mark Spitz has retired, John Lennon kicks Mark David Chapman’s ass, There Ronald Reagan goes again, becomes Governor of California, Iran and Iraq have a soccer match, Wise men tell Brezhnev Russia will win the war in Afghanistan, John Anderson runs for President; nobody knows who he is, Prague Spring arrives in Poland, Mt. St. Helens erupts and her husband hides, Al Michaels confesses he doesn’t believe in miracles, John Wayne Gacy joins Ringling Brothers’ circus, Debbie Harry doesn’t do Dallas.

So here we go; the top Twenty-Five from the year 1 BR (Before Reagan)…

1)  The Clash- London Calling

2)  Elvis Costello- Get Happy

3)  Dead Kennedys- Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables

4)  The Jam- Sound Affects

5)  The Pretenders- Pretenders

6)  Split Enz- True Colours

7)  X- Los Angeles

8)  David Bowie- Scary Monsters

9)  XTC- Black Sea

10)  Echo and the Bunnymen- Crocodiles

11)  Talking Heads- Remain In Light

12)  B-52s- Wild Planet

13)  Siouxsie and the Banshees- Kaliedoscope

14)  John Lennon and Yoko Ono- Double Fantasy

15)  The Fall- Grotesque

16)  The Feelies- Crazy Rhythms

17)  Ultravox- Vienna

18)  U2- Boy

19)  Neil Young- Hawks and Doves

20)  The Specials- More Specials

21)  Human Sexual Response- Fig. 14

22)  The Romantics- The Romantics

23)  Devo- Freedom of Choice

24)  The Cure- Seventeen Seconds

25)  Bauhaus- In the Flat Field

Now aren’t you glad I held off on London Calling? It’s my number one of 1980 and easily the Clash’s best album. The Clash are still basically a punk band here but you can hear how they’ve grown as a unit as they begin to experiment with different sounds such as reggae which they’ll expand on in Sandinista. Elvis Costello goes Motown and has to settle for the silver this time. The Dead Kennedy’s blistering post-punk album gets the bronze, while the Jam’s best album and a brilliant debut by the Pretenders round out the top five. Really, the quality here is top notch with the Split Enz, X, and David Bowie following. XTC’s Black Sea is their best effort to date while other gems include The Feelies, another great Neil Young album, Human Sexual Response and, in the honorable mentions, Nervus Rex, admittedly a B-52’s wannabe group, but some pretty nice tracks on there. Also, I should note that 1980 is such a quality year, solid albums from artists like Motorhead and the Selecter couldn’t make the cut. (with the HM’s it’s basically a top 30 list).

Biggest Surprise- The Fall- Grotesque

 I don’t know if it’s really such a surprise as I do like some of the Fall’s material. But as decent as Live As the Witch Trials was, Grotesque is even better. This is noise rock at its best. It starts off with the anarchic Pay Your Rates and never lets up. May be my second favorite Fall album next to This Nation’s Savings Grace.

Biggest Disappointment- The Romantics- National Breakout.

Early this year, they released a solid record of power pop tunes such as What I Like About You and Tell It To Carrie so it was kind of a disappointment when they released their follow up in December. Basically, they sound like they’re going through the motions. At least the Knack were trying to keep their energy up with their pathetic follow up. These guys, though, we’re acting as if they were content because they had made it. It would get worse with 1983’s In Heat. Yeah I’d be Talking in My Sleep too if I had to hear that song again.

Honorable Mention- Polyrock- Polyrock, Nervus Rex- Nervus Rex,  English Beat- I Just Can’t Stop It, Tom Waits- Heartattack and Vine, The Cramps- Songs the Lord Taught Us.

Stinker of the Year-  The Chipmunks- Chipmunk Punk

And here it is, the one you’ve all been waiting for. Yes, I knew it; Linda Rondstadt was a punk rocker. And so was Billy Joel. That’s true, Billy secretly wore a safety pin through his cheek every night in bed. That’s why Christie divorced him. Hey, at least the Knack benefitted from it since by 1980 they were already washed up. Half the songs on the album are Knack covers including a screaming rendition of My Sharona (AAAAGH!)

So here we are in the Eighties. Lennon is dead and Reagan is about to take over. Cheers everyone.

See you next time.