1986

The talking dog has transported me to 1986 and I’m on the tail of some comet. Ride em’, Bronco. Did you know that people were thinking it was the end of the world when Haley’s Comet hit in 1910? Well, Mark Twain died so I guess they we’re close. Of course everyone knows the world isn’t going to end until 2012.

This is the year of Hands Across America. I hope they catch the hand stealer. Cows are going mad, Nancy wants me to just say no. Okay, I say no to those silly anti-drug commercials because this is your brain on… what is your brain on again?

The Anti-Apartheid movement is trendy this year. Nope, I’m not going to play Sun City either. I might play Venus De Milo though; the talking dog thinks she’s cute, down boy. Did anyone see Captain Midnight on HBO? Yeah, the guys at HBO weren’t too thrilled either. Meanwhile, the talking dog is trusting Joe Isuzu with his money. No, talking dog, don’t put your money in that Savings and Loan… well, I warned him.

Well, I’m going to play with my Transformers because He-Man is trying to make it with the Sorceress of Grey Skull. Joan Rivers is still around?

Here is my top twenty-five of 1986.

Event of the year: Tom Cruise saves the world from Gaddafi and Xenu.

Fad:  Hands Across America

Babe of the Year: John Gotti

Scandal of the Year: Gaddafi bombed while wearing pantyhose

Movie or TV show to barf to: Small Wonder

What we could have done without: Bungee Jumping (especially if the tether snapped)

Pet of the year: Boy George

Other Tidbits: The Challenger goes throttle up, Reagan and Gorbachev agree to bet on the World Series, Bill Buckner makes the play of the year, Halley’s comet swallows Australia, Larouche says Hands Across America spreads AIDS, cows go mad in England, US bans smoking in Canada, Ferris Bueller elected Senator of North Carolina, Geraldo Rivera discovers Al Capone in his vault, Joan Rivers gets a new face, Man gets slapped when he calls Paul Simon Al, Crocodile Dundee determined to in fact be an alligator, Oprah Winfrey advocates the Twinkie diet.

Musically, it’s a strange year for me. REM made their first bad album in my opinion and, looking back, I think we’re in between musical eras, at least for me anyway. Still some gems though so here we go…

1)  XTC- Skylarking

2)  Elvis Costello- King of America

3)  Beastie Boys- Licensed To Ill

4)  Crowded House- Crowded House

5)  The Smiths- The Queen is Dead

6)  Elvis Costello- Blood and Chocolate

7)  World Party- Private Revolution

8)  Guadalcanal Diary- Jamboree

9)  Pet Shop Boys- Please

10)  Eurythmics- Revenge

11)  Robyn Hitchcock and the Egyptians- Element of Light

12)  Laurie Anderson- Home of the Brave

13)  Peter Gabriel- So

14)  Talking Heads- True Stories

15)  Smithereens- Especially For You

16)  Billy Bragg- Talking With the Taxman About Poetry

17)  Camper Van Beethoven- Camper Van Beethoven

18)  New Order- Brotherhood

19)  Spacemen 3- Sound of Confusion

20)  Love and Rockets- Express

21)  The Fall- Bend Sinister

22)  Run DMC- Raising Hell

23)  Husker Du- Candy Apple Grey

24)  Bad Brains- I Against I

25)  Erasure- Wonderland

XTC was at their creative high during this period. Sandwiched between their experimental Dukes of Stratosphear projects is the cerebral Skylarking which featured the brilliant and controversial Dear God on the American pressings. Elvis Costello has a monster year with two albums in my top ten. The Beastie Boys get the bronze with the rap/metal Licensed To Ill while Crowded House and the Smiths round out my top five. World Party is a notable standout in my top ten as is Guadalcanal Diary’s second album. This is what REM should have been sounding like circa 1986. Other gems in my top twenty-five include the surprising Laurie Anderson, an acquired taste to be sure but my other surprise of the year. I should also mention the Smithereens, Spacemen 3, and Bad Brains, who were really big in DC about this time.

Biggest Surprise- Pet Shop Boys- Please

These are the guys that did West End Girls of course. I always liked that song but I wasn’t as sure about the album. What it is, is excellent electro-pop. The songs blend in with each other quite nicely and is a joy to listen too, thus being my surprise of the year.

Biggest Disappointment- REM- Life’s Rich Pageant

 This is the first of a few transition albums for REM. It’s also the most awkward as they were trying to go from the acoustic based sound to the harder sound you’ll hear on Document next year. Pageant does feature the classic Fall On Me and Swan Swan Hummingbird, but when the third best song on the album is a cover of Superman, well, it sure isn’t Murmur. Love REM anyway though.

Honorable Mention-  Queen- A Kind of Magic, Megadeth- Peace Sells… But Who’s Buying, Paul Simon- Graceland, They Might Be Giants- They Might Be Giants, Violent Femmes- The Blind Leading the Naked.

Stinker of the Year-  Don Johnson- Heartbeat

The Middle Portion of our heartthrob stinkfest is of course by this humble man, Don Johnson,  who allegedly fired someone for not being excited enough or something like that. Anyhow, you’ve probably seen the video. And if you haven’t, don’t. It makes Miami Vice look like Shakespeare.

And so we scratch off another year. Do you know we’ve now hit the halfway point? I know, it’s a long history isn’t it. See you next time when we start the second half.

1985

The talking dog has transported me to the year 1985 and I’m greeted by this bad computer animation that wants me to try this new drink. That’s not new, that’s Coke, I say. He says try it, you’ll like it. I try it; I don’t like it. And Max laughs. Okay, wise guy, how about I unplug you, you piece of shaving cream?

They’re still trying to ban Rock n Roll, or at least Heavy Metal anyway. I didn’t know wives of United States Senators had so much clout. Hulk Hogan is the biggest thing since Mr. T since he beat him up for the Heavyweight Title on Wrestlemania or something. You look mahvelous, well. thank you.

This is the year of Live Aid, Farm Aid, and Talking Dog Aid. Of course the last one is a fraud but don’t tell the talking dog; he might bite me. Besides, I got Money for Nothing. Hey, did you hear Michael Jackson bought all the rights to the Beatles’ songs? Boy is Paul pissed. Star Wars is big in the theatres again, well, everywhere but in Russia for some reason. Those sillies think Darth Vader is going to nuke their nuclear weapons or something. Anyway, they now have this guy with a birthmark on his head who wants to do Glastnost or something. I hope he succeeds but he really needs to wear a toupee or something like President Ronnie does. Actually, maybe he just dyes his hair. And Pee Wee Herman needs to grow up. Yeah, I know you are but what am I? No, I’m not!

Well, that was tiring. Let’s check out this year’s top twenty-five while I put Herman in a headlock like Hulk Hogan.

Event of the year: John Denver admits to the PMRC he’s really Alice Cooper.

Fad: Live Aid

Babe of the Year: Dr. Ruth Westheimer

Scandal of the Year: Proceeds to We Are the World actually go to famine relief.

Movie or TV show to barf to: Helltown

What we could have done without: New Coke

Pet of the year: Tipper Gore

Other Tidbits: Rock Hudson dies of a bad cold, People protest Apartheid in South Africa and demand the head of Alfredo Garcia, Terrorists hijack the Achille Lauro and demand to be taken to New Zealand, Mikhail Gorbachev installed as Governor of South Dakota, Terry Anderson kidnapped; named sexiest man alive by People, Philadelphia Police fails in moving MOVE, Lyndon Larouche followers claim AIDS is carried by gargoyles, Michael Jackson buys Paul McCartney, Bob Knight wins the gold medal in chair throwing, Michael J Fox invents Rock n Roll, Michael Jordan wins Wrestlemania, We built this city with corporate rock, Super Mario busted for duck hunting.

College Rock is still on the menu this year. For me it was kind of a second renaissance musically speaking. It makes for a fun top Twenty-Five. And here we go…

1)  The Jesus and Mary Chain- Psychocandy

2)  REM- Fables of the Reconstruction

3)  The Fall- This Nation’s Saving Grace

4)  Tom Waits- Rain Dogs

5)  The Replacements- Tim

6)  Dukes of Stratosphear – 25 O’ Clock (EP)

7)  Camper Van Beethoven- Telephone Free Landslide Victory

8)  Talking Heads- Little Creatures

9)  New Order- Low-Life

10)  Fishbone- Fishbone (EP)

11)  Nice Cave and the Bad Seeds- The Firstborn is Dead.

12)  Husker Du- Flip Your Wig

13)  Dead Kennedys- Frankenchrist

14)  Eurythmics - Be Yourself Tonight

15)  John Cougar Mellencamp- Scarecrow

16)  Suzanne Vega- Suzanne Vega

17)  The Colourfield- Virgins and Philistines

18)  Robyn Hitchcock and the Egyptians- Fegmania

19)  The Pogues- Rum Sodomy and the Leash

20)  The Three O’Clock- Arrive Without Traveling

21)  Sting- Dream of the Blue Turtles

22)  The Smiths- Meat is Murder

23)  Husker Du- New Day Rising

24)  Prince- Around the World in 80 Days

25)  Chris Isaak- Silvertone

An interesting year to be sure. The Jesus and Mary Chain top this year’s list with something that the Velvet Underground might have sounded like if they were a British psychedelic band. Brilliant guitar work. REM scores with another great album. The Fall’s best album is at three while a great Tom Waits album and the Replacements round out the top five. Two fantastic EPs are in my top ten. The Dukes of Stratosphear (aka XTC) come up with one of the most authentic sounding retro paisley pop pieces ever while Fishbone gets in the top ten with their wacky solo debut featuring Party At Ground Zero, my favorite nuclear war song XD . Other notables include the Dead Kennedys, the Colourfield, and Chris Isaak as well as the Dead Milkmen in my honorable mentions. Incidentally, the Eurythmics deserve special mention because they were the favorite band of a love interest of mine a few years later. Alas, she married one of my best friends, the vixen :D.

Biggest Surprise- John Cougar Mellencamp- Scarecrow

I’m not particularly a big Mellencamp fan though he isn’t bad. I always have thought of him as a poor man’s Springsteen. I do really like this album though, easily his best. Just about every track is a good listen. He also has some of his most popular songs on this album. He never topped this album.

Biggest Disappointment- X- Ain’t Love Grand.

After four amazing albums, X is beginning to sound like they’re going through the motions here. Burning House of Love is a great song but it sounds like they’re going for the big hit single. As for the rest of the album, the tracks might have well been covers like on some fifties album. Anyhow, a bit of a disappointment for me.

Honorable Mention-  The Dead Milkmen- Big Lizard in My Backyard, The Blasters- Hard Line, Hoodoo Gurus- Mars Needs Guitars, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers- Southern Accents, Killing Joke- Night Time.

Stinker of the Year-  Eddie Murphy- How Could It Be

Oh, no, it’s era of the actor singers. And nobody does it better (or worse) than that guy from Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood, Axel Foley. See him croon his classic hit Party All the Time with a little help from Rick James. You should have let him cover Superfreak, Rick. Maybe Eddie might have done better with that, then again…

Hey, only thirty- two years to go, are we tired yet? I hope not cause I’m just getting started. See you next time.

1984

Some old lady keeps asking me where the beef is. How should I know? All I know is the talking dog keeps peeing on Elsie, down, boy!

So now it’s 1984 and I have this strange feeling Big Brother is watching me which is odd since I don’t have a big brother. I don’t have a big sister either. That means I get all the candy, MUAHAHAHA!

Did you know Bruce Springsteen was born in the USA? And it was only four years since he had a wife in Baltimore, Jack. Everybody is breakdancing because  girls just want to have fun or something. The Soviets are boycotting the LA Olympics because we boycotted theirs. Nah, nah…we win the Olympics and you don’t.  President Ronnie has outlawed Russia and we’re going to be bombing in ten minutes. Hope your bomb shelters are ready. I wonder if MTV will air during a nuclear war.

Madonna is hot and Michael Jackson is on fire (okay, bad joke). John McEnroe can’t be serious. And all the guys are in love with Tina Turner’s legs. I think Mr. T’s haircut looks better though.

Well, I guess I’ll listen to Band Aid. I didn’t know bandages could sing. Anyway, here’s my top twenty-five of 1984.

Event of the year: Bruce Springsteen discloses he’s Born in the USA

Fad: Elvis sightings

Babe of the Year: Freddie Krueger

Scandal of the Year: It is disclosed that Madonna is not a virgin.

Movie or TV show to barf to: AfterMASH

What we could have done without: Sally Field (no, we don’t really like you) :p

Pet of the year: The Chia Pet

Other Tidbits: Walter Mondale asks ‘where’s the beef?’ and buys Wendy’s, Reagan says it’s Morning in America and sleeps late, Birthers claim Bruce Springsteen was not born in the USA,  George Michael joins the Pro-Life movement, announces he’s not gay, Who you gonna call? The Stay Puft Man destroys Tokyo, John Hughes complains his actors are a bunch of brats, OJ Simpson is a rental car agent, Girls just want to have fun, says Jerry Falwell’s wife, AIDS plagues the mosquito community in Mississippi, The USSR boycotts the LA Olympics and no one cares, Bernhard Goetz shoots thugs in a subway and says he has a death wish, The first untethered space walk; astronaut ends up on Mercury, Gremlins destroy Tokyo, Ike Turner makes a comeback with his sexy legs, David Hasslehoff committed when he swears his car is talking to him.

This was a big year for Springsteen (even Reagan liked him), but for me it was all about what was known then as college rock. I was listening to a station known as WHFS in those days and they played an eclectic band of music that you otherwise had to hear on a college station. Anyway, it influences my top twenty-five this year, so with that…

1)  REM- Reckoning

2)  The Smiths- The Smiths

3)  The Pretenders- Learning To Crawl

4)  Robyn Hitchcock- I Often Dream of Trains

5)  Depeche Mode- Some Great Reward

6)  The Replacements- Let It Be

7)  Guadalcanal Diary- Walking In the Shadow of the Big Man

8)  The Green Pajamas- Summer of Lust

9)  Julian Cope- Fried

10)  Elvis Costello- Goodbye Cruel World

11)  Prince- Purple Rain

 12) The Bangles- All Over the Place

13)  Let’s Active- Cypress

14)  Ultravox- Lament

15)  Beasts of Bourbon- The Axeman’s Jazz

16)  The Pandoras- It’s About Time

17)  Siouxsie and the Banshees- Hyaena

18)  Billy Bragg- Brewing It Up With Billy Bragg

19)  Husker Du- Zen Arcade

20)  Lloyd Cole and the Commotions- Rattlesnakes

21)  Bruce Springsteen- Born in the USA

22)  Queen- The Works

23)  Ramones- Too Tough To Die

24)  Salem 66- Salem 66 (EP)

25)  Violent Femmes- Hallowed Ground

1984 was a year for big surprises. I could have easily also put Robyn Hitchock’s album in the biggest surprise as well. I thought he might get in with an Honorable Mention, but I Often Dream of Trains really knocked my socks off. REM gets the top spot again though with Reckoning which also happens to feature my favorite song of the 80’s (and 90’s for that matter), So. Central Rain. The Smiths get the silver while the Pretenders are jangly as ever. Hitchcock and Depeche Mode (who you’ll be seeing a lot of), round out the top five. In the rest of the top ten, I might recommend Guadalcanal Diary, my first surprise, and Julian Cope, yet another surprise for me. Other notables in my top twenty-five include Billy Bragg, Lloyd Cole and the Commotions, and a folk rock EP from Salem 66. Another interesting EP is in my honorable mentions by the Marti Jones led Color Me Gone.

Biggest Surprise- (Tie) Green Pajamas- Summer of Lust, Beasts of Bourbon- The Axeman’s Jazz.

Yeah, I went with a couple obscure groups this time. The Green Pajamas hailed from Seattle and were a big deal there long before Nirvana. What I love about Summer of Lust is its late sixties vibe and a quality lo-fi sound that no doubt influenced the grungier Nirvana later.

Then there are the demented Beasts of Bourbon. They hail from Australia and impressed me with their own unique brand of psychobilly. In fact, their best song just happens to be called Psycho (totally different from the Sonics’ tune obviously). Basically, it’s a lament of a serial killer of sorts. Catch the video on YouTube; you’ll love it.

Biggest Disappointment- Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds- From Her To Eternity.

I know I’m going to like a lot of Nick Cave later, but this album seems more like a tribal mish mash for want of a better description. It has its moments, such as the title track, but maybe he is one of those artists that has to grow on you.

Honorable Mention-  U2- The Unforgettable Fire, Hoodoo Gurus- Stoneage Romeos, John Lennon and Yoko Ono- Milk and Honey, Midnight Oil- Red Sails In the Sunset, Color Me Gone- Color Me Gone (EP)

Stinker of the Year-  Paul McCartney- Give My Regards To Broad Street

Yeah, the movie kind of sucked too. Basically the cute ex-Beatle sings his old tunes and even has a little help from his friends like Ringo Starr and George Martin. Boy, they had to be friends to help with this turkey.

Okay, Big Brother wasn’t so bad after all, Hey, it could have been Big Sister you sexist pigs. Anyway, we’ll see you next time.

1983

The talking dog has transported me to the year 1983 where all the girls have big hair and so do the guys. It’s now cool for heavy metal heroes to look like drag queens. Ooh, Vince Neil, I bet you look cute in leotards but you need to shave your legs first.

Michael Jackson is the biggest star since the Beatles. Well that sounds thrilling. Guess I’ll have to beat it (hey, it’s a joke, son- geez!). They have a new Miss America but they make her turn in her crown because only white girls are supposed to pose naked. Clint Eastwood invades Grenada. Well, I think it was Clint Eastwood; he did a movie about it.

I want to be a Valley Girl so I can do the Moonwalk like Michael Jackson. I heard it was invented on Mars. James Watt doesn’t like the Beach Boys. That’s okay; they don’t like him either. Apparently, neither does President Ronnie because he made him quit.

And Diana Ross does a concert in the rain. Be careful; you might get electrocuted and start thinking you’re one of the Supremes. And MASH ended and thank God. It’s about time the Korean War ended after eleven years. I mean that was almost as long as the Vietnam War.

Well, my Cabbage Patch Doll is calling me so I have to go. I pity the fool that doesn’t like my 1983 list…

Event of the year: The Korean War finally ends. Captain Hawkeye Pierce is court-martialed.

Fad: Dial a Porn

Babe of the Year: Miss Pacman

Scandal of the Year: Gobo Fraggle does Miss Piggy

Movie or TV show to barf to: Duran Duran videos

What we could have done without: Cabbage Patch Kids

Pet of the year: Mr. T

Other Tidbits: Star Wars IV starring Ronald Reagan debuts, The Hitler diaries released; Hitler confesses to shooting JFK, Elvis Presley spotted at Safeway, Dirty Harry invades Grenada, Sally Ride appointed to the Supreme Court, Dustin Hoffman revealed to be a crossdresser, Mortimer and Randolph Duke busted for gambling, Mister Robinson’s Neighborhood is canceled, Barbie is charged with war crimes, Ken is acquitted, Diana Ross gets wet, Catfights the rage in Denver, Colorado.

Musically, this is the year REM becomes a factor in my list. They aren’t exactly the Beatles, but they’re the closest thing for me since them. Anyway, some interesting gems for this year so here we go…

1)  REM- Murmur

2)  U2- War

3)  Violent Femmes- Violent Femmes

4)  Eurythmics- Sweet Dreams Are Made of This

5)  Aztec Camera- High Land, Hard Rain

6)  The The- Soul Mining

7)  X- More Fun in the New World

8)  Talking Heads- Speaking in Tongues

9)  Green On Red- Gravity Talks

10)  The Undertones- The Sin of Pride

11)  Pylon- Chomp

12)  Tom Waits- Swordfishtrombones

13)  The Cure- Japanese Whispers

14)  The Bongos- Numbers With Wings (EP)

15)  Bob Dylan- Infidels

16)  Paul Simon- Hearts and Bones

17)  Marshall Crenshaw- Field Day

18)  Plimsouls- Everywhere At Once

19)  Ramones- Subterranean Jungle

20)  Shriekback- Care

21)  Stray Cats- Rant and Rave With the Stray Cats

22)  Bill Nelson- Chimera

23)  New Order- Power Corruption and Lies

24)  Let’s Active- Afoot (EP)

25)  Echo and the Bunnymen- Crocodiles

As noted, REM takes the top prize for the first of three times. They are easily my best band post Beatles and are in fact only second to the Beatles (Bowie is my third favorite). Sorry, to break the U2 haters’ hearts, but War, to me, is a brilliant album. I guess it helps that this is long before Bono becomes such a pretentious ass. The Violent Femmes, with their minimalist sound, takes the bronze while the Eurythmics and Aztec Camera round out my top five. Aztec Camera is interesting because, at the time, they were in competition with REM as the top college rock band  (REM obviously winning that war). In the top ten, The The and Green On Red are the obvious standouts. Green On Red has a great psychedelic folk rock vibe to me. Other gems in my top twenty-five include the wild Pylon album, a surprising Bob Dylan effort; he’s still in his Christian phase here, and a cool EP from the Mitch Easter produced Let’s Active. You may notice more EPs over the next several years on my lists. Also note Kix in my Honorable Mentions. This sort of heavy metal band was really big around Baltimore in the Eighties; they aren’t half bad.

Biggest Surprise- Paul Simon- Hearts and Bones

I only really considered this album because of the Late Great Johnny Ace. I have a thing for Lennon Tributes (this includes Queen’s Life is Real, Elton John’s Empty Gardens, and McCartney’s haunting Here Today). I was, needless to say, surprised to like this album in general. I’d argue that this album is better than his two best known efforts, Graceland and Still Crazy After All These Years. It might be his best ever though his debut is also pretty decent. In any event, a pleasant surprise.

Biggest Disappointment- Orchestral Manoevers in the Dark- Dazzle Ships.

Well, this one wasn’t as good as I had hoped. The first three tracks are experimental to be polite. Now, I know OMD was starting to get into a more commercial phase at this point so maybe that’s where my disappointment lies; that they got to that point a little sooner than I thought. Strange album.

Honorable Mention- Elvis Costello- Punch the Clock, Kix- Cool Kids, Rank and File- Sundown, Pink Floyd- The Final Cut, Bauhaus- Burning From the Inside

Stinker of the Year-  Kiss- Lick It Up.

Oh, yes, Kiss finally makes the big time. How many old timers remember the great event hyped by MTV about Kiss taking their makeup off? Yeah, we were all excited for the moment. Then they did, and we were like, put your makeup back on! Yeah, Lick it Up was like that too. I guess it was a good thing Top 40 AM was pretty much dead by now. Then again, there was FM Hot Hits. Noooooo! Hey at least they didn’t play Dance All Over Your Face.

So there you go, another top  twenty-five over and deeper in debt, or something like that. See you next time.

 

1982

Hey, hey, it’s the Falkland War. People say they mess around…

Here I am, your roving reporter, Gertrude Strawberry, reporting from the jungles of Nicaragua where President Ronnie is giving aid to the Contras because a right wing oppressive government is much more superior than a left wing one. So be all that you can be. Join the Peace Corps instead.

1982 is such an interesting year. Some goof in Argentina thought he could defeat the British, after all, the Americans did. These redcoats had better muskets though-silly Argentian leader.

Hope you don’t have a headache because somebody put Kool-Aid in the Tylenol. Hanoi Jane is now doing workout videos. Don’t you love it when your left-wing heroes sell out? I guess she’ll be marrying some mogul like Ted Turner next. NFL football players are mad at the management and now they don’t want to play. Well, I guess I’ll just take my ball and go home then. I think the American Checkers Association is more exciting anyway. They’re teaching something called Reaganomics in the third grade. Good thing; they understand trickle down economics a lot better than adults do. Excuse me, I think I have to pee.

Did you know Dustin Hoffman is a crossdresser? Yeah, he looks like a Tootsie all right. We had to say goodbye to John Belushi and Princess Grace. I wonder if they have food fights in heaven.

Well, I have to go. I have the Hill Street Blues on. Phone home, will ya?

Event of the year: The Evil Empire is revealed to be Klingons

Fad: Being pissed at Reagan

Babe of the Year: Martha Quinn

Scandal of the Year: Venera lands on Venus and takes pictures. Venera charged with sexual harassment.

Movie or TV show to barf to: The Facts of Life

What we could have done without: Poison Tylenol

Pet of the year: Papa Smurf

Other Tidbits: Michael Jackson releases the Wall, I have a crush on Martha Quinn, Joe Montana wins the World Curling Championship on ESPN, USA Today is published as a diet soft drink, Argentina claims the Falkland Islands and invades Cambodia, Carlos the Jackal revealed as Merv Griffin, Lech Walesa released from prison, elected President of South Africa, Yassar Arafat elected Prime Minister of Israel, Brezhnev dies and is replaced by Pope John Paul I, AT&T is broken up into little bitty pieces, Dolly Parton busted for having the best little whorehouse in Texas, Khan! Khan!...

Well, I have to phone home because of some stupid alien. Isn't he so cute? Anyway here are my top twenty-five of 1982…

1)   Bruce Springsteen- Nebraska

2)   Translator-Heartbeats and Triggers

3)   Don Fagen- The Nightfly

4)  Elvis Costello- Imperial Bedroom

5)  Stray Cats- Built For Speed

6)  X- Under the Big Black Sun

7)  Flipper- Generic Flipper

8)  Roxy Music- Avalon

9)  Prince- 1999

10)  The Jam- The Gift

11)  The Gun Club- Miami

12)  Gang of Four- Songs of the Free

13)  REM- Chronic Town (EP)

14)  Midnight Oil-10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1

15)  Dead Kennedys- Plastic Surgery Disasters

16)  The Fall- Hex Induction Hour

17)  Mission of Burma- Vs.

18)  Richard and Linda Thompson- Shoot Out the Lights

19)  The Bangles- The Bangles (EP)

20)  The Clash- Combat Rock

21)  XTC- English Settlement

22)  Laurie Anderson- Big Science

23)  King Sunny Ade- Juju Music

24)  Sparks- Angst in My Pants

25)  Television Personalities- They Could Have Been Bigger Than the Beatles

My number one pick this year is an unusual choice. Springsteen isn’t really one of my favorite artists (nor do I dislike him), but Nebraska, with its stark acoustic theme, is hands down his best album and edges out Translator’s one great album for my favorite album of 1982. Translator also deserves special mention since overall they are a mediocre band at best. But Heartbeats is an exception. I can name at least three tracks on this folk rock influenced album that I would want to take with me to a deserted island. Fagen’s surprise comes in at number three (this is a year for surprises), while Elvis Costello (who makes a stunning comeback) and the Stray Cats (who are on fire this year) round out the top five. Highlights in the top ten include a great Flipper album and one of Prince’s funkier albums. REM and Midnight Oil, two of my favorite bands, make their debuts this year, while I continue to become a bigger fan of the Fall. Other interesting gems include Laurie Anderson ( an acquired taste to be sure but she was huge on the college station at Johns Hopkins at the time) and King Sunny Ade. Another one to give a chance too are the Waitresses in my Honorable Mentions.

Biggest Surprise- Don Fagen- The Nightfly

Let’s make this clear. I’m no Steely Dan fan. I mean they’re okay and all, but they’re really what I like to call ‘meh’ . And that’s what makes this such a big surprise. You see I had no reason to especially like this album, but this isn’t some Steely Dan version of jazz rock; this is just plain cool jazz and cool it is. I still love the hit from this album, New Frontier, to this day. That alone is better than he ever did with Steely Dan.

Biggest Disappointment- The Who- It’s Hard.

 No, I didn’t really expect that much from the Who minus the late Keith Moon, but it seems they were trying hard to be commercial with this album. I like Eminence Front well enough and this is a better album than Face Dances (which truly sucked). I guess the truth is, The Who, much as I love them, don’t do a lot for me after Who By Numbers. Even Who Are You is something of a disappointment for me. They really should have split up after that album instead of recruiting Kenny Jones (none of this which is his fault by the way).

Honorable Mention-  Peter Gabriel- Peter Gabriel, Fun Boy Three- Fun Boy Three, Ultravox- Quartet, George Clinton- Computer Games, The Waitresses- Wasn’t Tomorrow Wonderful?

Stinker of the Year-  L Ron Hubbard- Space Jazz.

Yes, the founder of scientology is a jazz enthusiast. Unfortunately Xenu wasn’t available, so he got musicians such as Chick Corea and Stanley Clarke to do his bidding for him, all under the direction of L. Ron Hubbard of course. It also happens to be the soundtrack to the book Battlefield Earth (if you like the book, you’ll love the movie). Just makes you want to become a Moonie.

And on that note, I’ll make my exit before the Scientologists get me. See you next time. :D

1981

Reach out and touch someone (that sounds kind of creepy).

The talking dog has transported me to 1981. I’m in this maze- it looks kind of dotty. It’s quiet except for all those annoying beeping sounds. Wait, that isn’t beeping; it’s a round monster that’s chomping everything in sight- and he’s after me- HELP! Don’t eat me, Pac Man, I’m not even that nutritious. Do you know too much fat can raise your cholesterol? Okay, that didn’t work; I’m not fat. Whew! A ghost got him.

There’s this group called the Moral Majority who really aren’t a majority at all. Still, they score six number one hits this year, I think. Somebody has Bette Davis’ eyes. I think she should give them back to her. Luke rapes Laura. Now they’re getting married (talk about creepy). There’s a wedding on TV, are Sonny and Cher getting back together? Nah, it’s just Charles and Diana- they can’t even sing. Then again, neither can Sonny.

They have this new network called MTV which stands for Michael The Viking or something. Some woman is getting physical and Andy Kaufmann is wrestling women. Better watch out, Andy; Pat Benatar is going to kick your ass.

And Uncle Walter is retiring. Well, that sucks. I hope he doesn’t leave on the Space Shuttle or join the Moonies or something. They should send Rather to do that.

Well, I have to catch a flight so see you next year. What do you mean he fired all the Air Traffic Controllers?

Event of the year:  The Space Shuttle launches and lands on the Moon

Fad:  Kicking Pacman machines

Babe of the Year: Wendy O Williams

Scandal of the Year: Joan Crawford goes berserk, attacks President Reagan with a wire hanger

Movie or TV show to barf to: CHiPS

What we could have done without: Luke and Laura

Pet of the year: John Hinckley

Other Tidbits: Rubik’s Cube invents the 8-ball, The Ayatollah thumbs his nose at Carter, ends up picking it, Reagan trades Daniel Ortega to Iran for the Iranian Hostages, wins the pennant, Michael Jackson marries Lisa Marie Presley in the Royal Wedding, Pat Benatar dares you to hit her with your best shot, Ronald Reagan fired as an air traffic controller, decides to invade Nicaragua instead, Muhammad Ali retires after losing to Mr. T, Anwar Sadat punches out his would be assassins, The London Marathon is run in Boston, The Aids virus is discovered in diet candy, Han Solo is mad and he carries a whip, Bette Davis gets her eyes back.

So what are my top twenty-fives this year? Well, compared to 1980, 1981 is kind of a downer. Maybe it’s the pall that was still lingering from Lennon’s death, who knows? Anyway, here goes…

1)  X- Wild Gift

2) Television Personalities- And Don’t the Kids Just Love It

3)  Gun Club- Fire of Love

4)  Heaven 17- Penthouse and Pavement

5)  The Undertones- Positive Touch

6)  Squeeze- East Side Story

7)  Ramones- Pleasant Dreams

8)  The Clash- Sandinista

9)  Milkshakes- Talkin’ Bout

10)  Black Uhuru- Red

11)  Soft Cell- Non-Stop Erotic Cafe

12)  Mission of Burma- Signals, Calls, and Marches

13)  Killing Joke- What’s This For

14)  The Cramps- Psychedelic Jungle

15)  Kraftwerk- Computer World

16)  Orchestral Manoevers in the Dark- Architecture and Morality

17)  The Dbs- Stands For Decibels

18)  Devo- New Traditionalists

19)  The Pretenders- Pretenders II

20)  Ultravox- Rage in Eden

21)  Split Enz- Waiata

22)  Au Pairs- Playing With a Different SEx

23)  Black Flag- Damaged

24)  Tom Tom Club- Tom Tom Club

25)  Bauhaus- Mask

I remember 1981 as being a bit of a bummer as it was the year after Lennon died, but the truth is, it was a damn good year for albums. X’s post punk classic tops my list this year. It has that late sixties vibe in it. My surprise gets the silver, while the post-punk Gun Club gets the bronze. She’s Like Heroin To Me still rings in my head. Heaven 17 surprises at number four and the Undertones round out the top five. Other top ten notables include a Ramones comeback and the retro sixties Milkshakes.

My list is dominated by post punk and some synthpop. Heaven 17 here reminds me of Violator era Depeche Mode while I might also note Mission of Burma and Black Flag on my list. Other gems include Soft Cell, The Tom Tom Club, and Bauhaus. I also want to mention Siouxsie in the Honorable Mentions. It was a close call as to whether to place her on the list but I ultimately went with Bauhaus. Still, Juju is a great album.

Biggest Surprise- Television Personalities- And Don’t the Kids Just Love It

This was an album I had to listen to on Spotify. I was expecting more goofiness in the vein of I Know Where Syd Barrett lives. What I got, was something more in the vein of twee pop, some of which I really like. They’re not the best singers and yet that only seems to enhance the songs, most of which are quite melodic. This was another album I kept edging up on my list until it ended up at number two. Great album.

Biggest Disappointment- Elvis Costello- Trust

Looking back, this is obviously a transitional album for Costello much like Station To Station was for Bowie. At the time I bought this new, I was coming off the heady albums of Armed Forces and Get Happy, so I was pretty disappointed to only really like a couple tracks (notably, Clubland) and even then they seemed a little forced as if Costello was going through the motions. This is also the same year he went country with Almost Blue so he may have been focusing his attentions on that. Anyway, the second Elvis has done better and will do better again.

Honorable Mention- Siouxsie and the Banshees- Juju, The Stranglers- The Gospel According To the Men in Black, New Order- Movement, Wipers- Youth of America, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers- Hard Promises

Stinker of the Year-  Mike Love- Looking Back With Love.

I don’t know if he was trying to prove he could make a better album than fellow Beach Boy Dennis Wilson, but I have news for you, Mikie, you can’t. Mike Love was the Beach Boy instrumental in trying to thwart Brain Wilson’s greatness (along with his own idiosyncrasies of course) and it shows on this album. And don’t forget Rockin the Man in the Boat, a wholesome song about masturbation.

Well, we’ve survived one year of Reagan while college rock begins to set in. We’ll hear some in the next few entries or so, so stay tuned. See you next time.

1980

Welcome to the eighties where everything is starting to get computerized, well, digital watches are anyway. Do you know it’s day whatever of the Iranian Hostage Crisis? Well, you should know; I mean it’s on TV all the time. Doesn’t Ted Koppel look just like Alfred E. Neumann? Meanwhile, the talking dog has to register for the draft because President Jimmy is mad at the Russians for invading Afghanistan. That’s okay, though, we’ll show them at the Olympics in Moscow this year.

Some guy named Ronnie is asking me if I’m  better off than I was four years ago? How would I know? I’m from 1891 for Bonzo’s sake. Meanwhile, there goes Jimmy again. Who shot JR? When after all it was you and me. Some jerk named Mark really screwed it up for the Beatles reunion. Thanks a lot, Mark, how’s Attica? Mean Joe Greene won’t give me his jersey, he’s so mean. It’s Mr. Bill getting sued, noooo!

Things are really solid over in Poland. Some bull is raging or something. Oh, yeah, they keep counting days on this show called Nightline or something. The hostages are still in Iran and are bigger than the Beatles who are bigger than… Okay, no more record burnings, geez!

Did anyone see that new show, Pink Lady and Jeff? That show will be on forever, isn’t that incredible? There’s some new scandal they’re calling Abscam. I thik it has something to do with some Senator not knowing how to recite the alphabet. No, Mr. Rubik, don’t throw that cube at me- ouch!

Do you have any Grey Poupon? Okay, I’ll stop now.

Event of the year: Bing Crosby relative shoots JR

Fad: Counting days in the Iranian Hostage Crisis

Babe of the Year: Lech Walesa

Scandal of the Year: Darth Vader revealed to be Luke’s father. Laura devastated.

Movie or TV show to barf to: Pink Lady and Jeff

What we could have done without: Killer Clowns

Pet of the year: Phyllis Schafly

Other Tidbits: Airplane Blow Up Pilot Doll killed in helicopter crash in Iran, US boycotts Moscow Olympics because Mark Spitz has retired, John Lennon kicks Mark David Chapman’s ass, There Ronald Reagan goes again, becomes Governor of California, Iran and Iraq have a soccer match, Wise men tell Brezhnev Russia will win the war in Afghanistan, John Anderson runs for President; nobody knows who he is, Prague Spring arrives in Poland, Mt. St. Helens erupts and her husband hides, Al Michaels confesses he doesn’t believe in miracles, John Wayne Gacy joins Ringling Brothers’ circus, Debbie Harry doesn’t do Dallas.

So here we go; the top Twenty-Five from the year 1 BR (Before Reagan)…

1)  The Clash- London Calling

2)  Elvis Costello- Get Happy

3)  Dead Kennedys- Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables

4)  The Jam- Sound Affects

5)  The Pretenders- Pretenders

6)  Split Enz- True Colours

7)  X- Los Angeles

8)  David Bowie- Scary Monsters

9)  XTC- Black Sea

10)  Echo and the Bunnymen- Crocodiles

11)  Talking Heads- Remain In Light

12)  B-52s- Wild Planet

13)  Siouxsie and the Banshees- Kaliedoscope

14)  John Lennon and Yoko Ono- Double Fantasy

15)  The Fall- Grotesque

16)  The Feelies- Crazy Rhythms

17)  Ultravox- Vienna

18)  U2- Boy

19)  Neil Young- Hawks and Doves

20)  The Specials- More Specials

21)  Human Sexual Response- Fig. 14

22)  The Romantics- The Romantics

23)  Devo- Freedom of Choice

24)  The Cure- Seventeen Seconds

25)  Bauhaus- In the Flat Field

Now aren’t you glad I held off on London Calling? It’s my number one of 1980 and easily the Clash’s best album. The Clash are still basically a punk band here but you can hear how they’ve grown as a unit as they begin to experiment with different sounds such as reggae which they’ll expand on in Sandinista. Elvis Costello goes Motown and has to settle for the silver this time. The Dead Kennedy’s blistering post-punk album gets the bronze, while the Jam’s best album and a brilliant debut by the Pretenders round out the top five. Really, the quality here is top notch with the Split Enz, X, and David Bowie following. XTC’s Black Sea is their best effort to date while other gems include The Feelies, another great Neil Young album, Human Sexual Response and, in the honorable mentions, Nervus Rex, admittedly a B-52’s wannabe group, but some pretty nice tracks on there. Also, I should note that 1980 is such a quality year, solid albums from artists like Motorhead and the Selecter couldn’t make the cut. (with the HM’s it’s basically a top 30 list).

Biggest Surprise- The Fall- Grotesque

 I don’t know if it’s really such a surprise as I do like some of the Fall’s material. But as decent as Live As the Witch Trials was, Grotesque is even better. This is noise rock at its best. It starts off with the anarchic Pay Your Rates and never lets up. May be my second favorite Fall album next to This Nation’s Savings Grace.

Biggest Disappointment- The Romantics- National Breakout.

Early this year, they released a solid record of power pop tunes such as What I Like About You and Tell It To Carrie so it was kind of a disappointment when they released their follow up in December. Basically, they sound like they’re going through the motions. At least the Knack were trying to keep their energy up with their pathetic follow up. These guys, though, we’re acting as if they were content because they had made it. It would get worse with 1983’s In Heat. Yeah I’d be Talking in My Sleep too if I had to hear that song again.

Honorable Mention- Polyrock- Polyrock, Nervus Rex- Nervus Rex,  English Beat- I Just Can’t Stop It, Tom Waits- Heartattack and Vine, The Cramps- Songs the Lord Taught Us.

Stinker of the Year-  The Chipmunks- Chipmunk Punk

And here it is, the one you’ve all been waiting for. Yes, I knew it; Linda Rondstadt was a punk rocker. And so was Billy Joel. That’s true, Billy secretly wore a safety pin through his cheek every night in bed. That’s why Christie divorced him. Hey, at least the Knack benefitted from it since by 1980 they were already washed up. Half the songs on the album are Knack covers including a screaming rendition of My Sharona (AAAAGH!)

So here we are in the Eighties. Lennon is dead and Reagan is about to take over. Cheers everyone.

See you next time.