2015

I wonder if they serve Subway subs in prison?

Well, here I am in the year 2015 where it’s okay to lick a donut and take a selfie while doing it. Some show called Mad Men ends its run. Have you seen Mad Men? It’s about an ad executive that goes mad and turns into a werewolf. No, really, it even takes place in the 1960s when Werewolves were really popular. Didn’t anyone see the Munsters?

The Supreme Court declares that gay people can marry each other. Now they did it; now everybody’s going to get divorced. They have to add a new grounds for divorce; my gay neighbor married his lover. All the children are going to be born out of wedlock. Stocks will fall. Everyone will turn into zombies and eat each other. Penguins will starve to death because there are no more humans to eat. The apocalypse is near!

Either that or everything will stay the same, go figure.

Bruce Jenner decides to be a woman because women get to eat more Wheaties or something. Does that mean he wasn’t supposed to run in the Decathlon? The big movie this year is Fifty Shades of Grey which I guess is better than Sixty Shades of Vomit. And they’re rioting in Baltimore. Does that mean the Orioles won the World Series? Oh, not exactly. Okay, so who’s next?

Well, anyway, here we go with my top twenty-five of 2015.

And remember, Je Suis Charlie.

Event of the year: The El Chapo Memorial Tunnel links a Mexican prison with California

Fad:   Race riots (I’m from Baltimore, remember?)

Babe of the Year: Ashley Madison

Scandal of the Year: Ariana Grande licks a donut and she likes it.

Movie or TV show to barf to: The Cosby Show reruns

What we could have done without: Selfies

Pet of the year: Cecil the Lion

Other Tidbits: Gay marriage legalized in Alabama of all places, Brian Williams proves he can tell a good yarn, Hillary declares candidacy and forgets to leave a tip, Iran and America make a deal not to blow each other up, Sean Hannity denies Global Warming while swimming in Antarctica, Jared Fogle is fired from Subway for being a creep, Bill Cosby wins the hypocrite of the year award, Bruce Jenner admits he’s now a panda bear and calls himself Ling Ling, Robert Durst arrested for being a serial killer and a nitwit at the same time, they’re dancing in the streets in Baltimore and DC now (Okay, just Baltimore; they always have the fun).

And these are the albums that win my awards…

1)  Sufjan Stevens- Carrie and Lowell

2)  Father John Misty- I Love You Honeybear

3)  Beach House- Depression Cherry

4) Courtney Barnett- Sometimes I Sit and Think and Sometimes I Just Sit

5) Car Seat Headrest- Teens of Style

6) Laura Marling- Short Movie

7)  Yo La Tengo- Stuff Like That Here

8) Steve Earle- Terraplane

9) Of Montreal- Aureate Gloom

10) Cage the Elephant- Tell Me I’m Pretty

11) Built To Spill- Untethered Moon

12) Panda Bear- Panda Bear Meets the Grim Reaper

13) Sun Kil Moon- Universal Themes

14) Decemberists- What a Terrible World What a Beautiful World

15) Beach House- Thank Your Lucky Stars

16) Leon Bridges- Coming Home

17) Thee Oh Sees- Mutilator Defeated At Last

18) Julia Holter- Have You In My Wilderness

19) Jessica Pratt- On Our Own Again

20) The Dead Weather- Dodge and Burn

21) Kurt Vile- B’lieve I’m Goin Down

22) Uncle Acid and the Deadbeats- The Night Creeper

23) Deerhunter- Fading Frontier

24) Golden Void- Berkana

25) Swami John Reis and the Blind Shake- Modern Surf Classics

This, in my opinion, is a solid top five as Sufjan Stevens leads off with his best effort since Illinois by doing what he does best, simply recording good songs. He’s followed by the always eccentric Father John Misty, a great Beach House LP (they score twice on this list), Courtney Barrett, and the GVB influenced Car Sear Headrest. In my top ten, we have comeback albums of sorts by faves Steve Earle and Yo La Tengo while Cage the Elephant also scores with their solid LP. Other gems in my top twenty-five include Panda Bear, The Decemberists, Leon Bridges, Julia Holter, Jessica Pratt, and Uncle Acid and the Deadbeats.

Biggest Surprise- Laura Marling- Short Movie

Laura Marling generally isn’t one of my favorite artists. Not that she sucks, she doesn’t, but she does come off as rather boring. This album though has more hooks and is a nice piece of folk based music. I ended up really liking it.

Biggest Disappointment- Muse- Drones

And it does drone on. This album kind of reminds me a little of the dreaded arena rock I had to endure in the eighties. No, they don’t suddenly sound like Journey or Rush (well, maybe Rush a little, not necessarily a bad thing). The big thing I got from this album was the reality that when you become big enough, you sometimes try to sound more commercial and I think that’s what happened here.

Honorable Mention- Bob Dylan- Shadows in the Night, Tallest Man On Earth- Dark Bird is Home, Wilco- Star Wars, Death Cab For Cutie- Kintsugi, My Morning Jacket- Waterfall

Stinker of the Year-  Miley Cyrus- Miley Cyrus and Her Dead Petz

Hannah Montana is getting creative these days. But, really, how can you go wrong with tracks like Dooo It!, F****** F***** Up, Fweaky, and of course, the classic Slab of Butter (scorpion)? Yes, Billy Ray’s daughter has come a long way from those Hannah Montana days sporting her bad haircut and a tasteful album cover where it looks like someone dooded it on her face.

Two more years to go and then we move on to San Francisco or something. Anyway, I’ll see you all next time.