2011

I’m… winning!

Okay, so I’m not winning but I am in 2011. The talking dog is excited because some guy named Weiner is showing off his Oscar Meyer, um… Hey, did you know it’s Spring in the Middle East? Yeah, all these oppressive regimes are being overthrown by Freedom lovers who want to have their own oppressive regimes. Just think, Communism will finally be over for good.

One of the big stories this year is the Casey Anthony trial. She gets off by blaming her father for being a douchebag or something. Mommy meanwhile hates her daughter but won’t do anything to defend Daddy, or something like that. Man, what a screwed up family.

They’re occupying Wall Street this year in New York. They’re occupying Wall Street in Baltimore too. Unfortunately Wall Street in Baltimore is near the Northwest suburbs or something; they all wear beehive hairdos too. They repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell in the Armed Forces. Now you can finally admit you like to watch chick flicks too. And they killed Bin Laden after ten years finally. Bummer, I was enjoying playing that game, ‘Where in the World is Bin Laden.’

And, of course, there was this scandal at Penn State. Some pervert was being a, um, pervert. Unfortunately he was also a coach. They had a scandal at Syracuse too but the victims blew it by hiring Gloria Allred who didn’t meet a sensational case she didn’t want to dismantle. Hey, guys, weren’t other lawyers available, like Matlock or something?

Well, I guess it’s time for my top Twenty-Five of 2011. Say Hi to Charlie Sheen for me. He has Tiger’s blood you know. He should give it back.

Event of the year: The world ends on May 21

Fad: Baby Bumps

Babe of the Year: Adam Sandler in drag (Jack and Jill)

Scandal of the Year: Anthony Weiner shows off his weiner and is the butt of Oscar Meyer jokes.

Movie or TV show to barf to: The Casey Anthony trial

What we could have done without: The Royal Wedding of William and Kate

Pet of the year: Michelle Bachman

Other Tidbits: We learn that Rick Perry can’t count to three, Bin Laden is buried at sea alive, Michelle Bachman is mad Newsweek made her look mad, Wall Street is occupied by stockbrokers, Gaddafi was seen begging for leg warmers, Arab Spring is the hottest band since the Beatles, Donald Trump says Obama was born in Siberia, Washington DC has an earthquake and people in Los Angeles laugh until the hurricane hits, Kim Kardashian marries the perfect publicity seeker, then dumps him, Herman Cain accused of sexually harassing a pizza, Charlie Sheen announces he’s losing, Oprah gives away her show but keeps her network nobody is watching, Nancy Grace bites Casey Anthony on the leg.

Wow, is it 2011 already, well I guess we should give it a go then…

1) PJ Harvey- Let England Shake

2)  Girls- Father Sun Holy Ghost

3)  Ty Segall- Goodbye Bread

4)  Of the Wand and the Moon- The Lone Descent

5)  Wilco- The Whole Love

6)  REM- Collapse Into Now

7) Cake- Showroom of Compassion

8)  Gillian Welch- The Harrow and the Harvest

9)  Tom Waits- Bad as Me

10)  Decemberists- The King is Dead

11)  Fleet Foxes- Helplessness Blues

12)  Okkervil River- I Am Very Far

13)  Thee Oh Sees- Carrion Crawler/The Dream

14)  Bright Eyes- The Peoples’ Key

15)  Black Keys- El Camino

16)  Paul Simon- So Beautiful or So What

17)  St. Vincent- Strange Mercy

18)  Roots- Undun

19)  Black Lips- Arabia Mountain

20)  Mountain Goats- All Eternals Deck

21)  Clap Your Hands Say Yeah- Hysterical

22)  Laura Marling- A Creature I Don’t Know

23)  Kurt Vile- Smoke Ring For My Halo

24)  Dead Skeltons- Dead Magick

25)  Bill Callahan- Apocalypse

I happen to be a big fan of PJ Harvey but it took until 2011 for her to finally get my top slot. It’s safe to say Harvey has matured musically over the years and it reaches its culmination with this year’s masterpiece. Let England Shake is definitely my favorite PJ Harvey album. Girls record an album almost as impressive as their first effort and they get the silver while Ty Segall, my surprise, and Wilco round out the top five. In my lower ten, REM makes a fantastic exit with their final effort while gems include a surprising Cake album and Tom Waits. Gems in the rest of my twenty-five include Thee Oh Sees, St. Vincent, the Black Lips, Kurt Vile and Dead Skelton with their unusual sounding album.

Biggest Surprise- Of the Wand and the Moon- The Lone Descent

I think these guys could be described as Folk Metal but they really aren’t that heavy. What they are, in my opinion, is a rather great group to get into if you want to chill out essentially. It’s definitely folk and I guess you could argue the metal as it is a bit dark sounding. Of course, it’s the moody atmosphere that makes this album so great and why it’s my surprise of the year.

Biggest Disappointment- Cage the Elephant- Thank You Happy Birthday.

Gee, thanks, but my birthday’s in December. Anyway, I get that Cage the Elephant isn’t exactly the world’s most acclaimed band, but I would have expected more from these obviously Jack White influenced lads. Maybe this album is a little too weird for me in the end analysis.

Honorable Mention- Band of Horses- Infinite Arms, Antlers- Burst Apart, Boston Spaceships- Let it Beard, Car Seat Headrest- My Back Is Killing Me Baby, Lucinda Williams- Blessed

Stinker of the Year-  Scott Weiland- The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.

Yes, the former singer of STP croons your favorite Christmas songs as if he were the reincarnation of Bing Crosby himself. He sounds so earnest, so joyful- okay, scratch that, he sings as if he’s constipated, which if he was on something, he probably was. Actually, he would have had to have been on something to record an album like that. You should have stuck with Sex Type Thing while you were still ahead.

And that’s it for 2011. Stay tuned to see what happens in 2012. See you then.