1973

The talking dog has transported me to the year 1973. I see they’re picking on a nice guy named Spiro (is that short for Spirograph?). All those effete snobs are picking on him and now he has to resign as Vice-President. Okay, so maybe cheating on his taxes wasn’t such a great idea either.

But Dick really has some splanin’ to do. He really needs to hire better plumbers. He’d blame everything on Obama but he hasn’t heard of him yet, so he blames Deanie instead for telling Dick he has cancer (or is it the presidency that has cancer? Oh those semantics). It will be okay though; Dick fired that special prosecutor because everyone knows it’s wrong to correct a President since it’s never illegal when the President does it (talk about immunity). And everyone knows he’s not a crook. Spiro Agnew, on the other hand…

They have a tennis match this year which proves that a young athletic woman is better than a overweight middle-aged man. Score one for Women’s Liberation. Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce; I’ll do it my way and go to McDonalds’. OJ Simpson runs and runs. Soon he’ll be jumping over barriers for a car rental company, starring with Priscilla Presley, and something else, but for some reason, I can’t remember what that could possibly be.

Hey did anyone see this movie called Deep Throat? Well, Linda Lovelace is telling those two nice Washington Post reporters all the dirt on Dick. I didn’t know they allowed porn stars in the White House, at least not until Clinton. Oh, well, I guess you want to see my list for 1973. Well, alrighty then- spoilsport!

Event of the year: Bobby Riggs sucks at tennis; he can’t even beat a girl.

Fad:  Watergate Hearings

Babe of the Year: Edith Bunker

Scandal of the Year: Peter breaks Marcia’s nose with his football

Movie or TV show to barf to: The Ernest Angsley Hour

What we could have done without: Tony Orlando and Dawn

Pet of the year: Morris the Cat

Other Tidbits: OPEC sanctions Israel supporters, the rickshaw business booms, Nixon announces he’s not a crook and robs a bank, Roe defeats Wade at Wimbledon, somebody’s heart is buried at Wounded Knee, Agnew resigns, wins horse racing’s Triple Crown,  US out of Vietnam, invades Canada, Jews and Arabs celebrate Yom Kippur by having a war, Nixon has a party on Saturday Night, Nixon appoints Beelzebub as Vice President, Fred Sanford has a heart attack every week, NASA launches the Seaview; strange undersea monsters discovered including Marilyn Manson.

As for the music, I think the albums this year could be a slight improvement over last year’s (though I still like 72 better :D). Okay, here goes…

1)  Stevie Wonder- Innervisions

2)  David Bowie- Alladin Sane

3)  New York Dolls- New York Dolls

4)  Paul McCartney and Wings- Band on the Run

5)  Pink Floyd- The Dark Side of the Moon

6)  The Who- Quadrophenia

7)  John Cale- Paris 1919

8)  Elton John- Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

9)  Toots and the Maytals- Funky Kingston

10)  Alice Cooper- Billion Dollar Babies

11)  Led Zeppelin- Houses of the Holy

12)  Bruce Springsteen- Greetings From Asbury Park

13)  King Crimson- Lark’s Tongue in Aspic

14)  The Stooges- Raw Power

15)  Argent- In Deep

16)  The Wailers- Burnin’

17)  Electric Light Orchestra- On the Third Day

18)  The Mothers of Invention- Overnite Sensation

19)  Can- Future Days

20)  Sly and the Family Stone- Fresh

21)  Paul Simon- There Goes Rhymin’ Simon

22)  Ringo Starr- Ringo

23)  Queen- Queen

24)  Roxy Music- For Your Pleasure

25)  Marvin Gaye- Let’s Get It On

Stevie Wonder wins the Gold this year as his Innervisions is perhaps my favorite soul album ever. This is the year of Dark Side of the Moon but they have to settle for number five being blocked out by the likes of David Bowie, The New York Dolls ( another great seminal album) and Paul McCartney’s best effort. This was the era of the superstars and McCartney (as well as Wonder and Elton John) would be caught up in the hype. It might have ruined McCartney and Elton a little. Elton John meanwhile scores with his other great album, Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. Other great gems include the Who’s other rock opera, Quadrophenia, John Cale’s Paris 1919, Toots and the Maytals (who probably should be my biggest surprise but I have my reasons, no fault of Toots). Gems outside of the top ten include Springsteen’s debut, Argent’s In Deep, ELO, and Ringo’s album. Enjoy it while it lasts, Ringo; I won’t be seeing you in the top twenty-five again :D.

Biggest Surprise- Can- Future Days.

To be honest I couldn’t get into earlier Can albums so I wasn’t expecting much here. In fact, I almost didn’t even play it thinking it wouldn’t matter anyway. But I know their reputation so I did.

And I was glad. This is krautrock at its best. Even if a couple songs seem too long on paper, Bel Air seems to play like four or five quality tracks. This is an album I can simply relax and listen to, much like the jazz albums from the early days.

Biggest Disappointment- The Rolling Stones- Goat’s Head Soup.

You know, I’m beginning to think the Stones are like that girl with the proverbial curl. I guess this album symbolizes the end of the Rolling Stones’ classic period. At least this is the last disappointment as I don’t expect much in the way of classics anymore from them. They do have two great albums in their future though, including next year’s album, but this year (except for Angie), ugh!

Honorable Mention- Bruce Springsteen- The Wild, the Innocent, and the E-Street Shuffle, Suzi Quatro- Suzi Quatro, Roxy Music- Stranded, Steve Miller Band- The Joker, The Eagles- Desperado.

Stinker of the Year-  Burt Reynolds- Ask Me What I Am.

The latest in the tried and true tradition (and this album is really trying) of actors thinking they can be rock n roll superstars. Here, Burt Reynolds is trying to be Neil Diamond which I guess is better than trying (and failing) to sound like Neil Young. He’s a real babe too. He did a centerfold in Cosmopolitan Magazine the year before. Oh, yeah, this guy was hot and so was his ego. Unfortunately his album wasn’t.

Okay that’s it for 1973. Come back later as Glam gradually starts to transform into punk. See you then.