1959

The talking dog has transported me to 1959. He’s still hoping to make it with Lassie.

And I find myself in this kitchen with a couple of nitwits who are arguing about capitalism and shoe styles or something. One guy looks like he wants to explode on someone and the other looks constipated, like he’s being tricky or something. The first guy also has a thing for Mickey Mouse too, don’t ask me why. No, talking dog, Minnie Mouse isn’t your type; she prefers Donald Duck. Will you stop humping me? I knew you should have been fixed.

Well, I have to get out of this kitchen. Hey, Kookie, lend me your comb, will ya? Never mind, Peter Gunn might shoot you. Some weird guy in a beard has taken over Cuba and is kicking out all these American companies. Great, where am I going to get my Cuban cigars from now, Nebraska? I think I’ll put a tiger in my tank. Then again, maybe I won’t; tigers bite, ouch!

Did you hear about Debbie and Eddie? Yeah, I bet they stay together forever. Liz is such a true friend. They’re also having hearings on quiz show fixing. People are bored by going after game show contestants though so now they want to destroy rock n roll instead. I think they’re calling it Payola. Isn't that a candy bar?

The teen idols are big this year. Paul Anka is so cute you just want to have his baby. And then there is Frankie Avalon (I wonder if he’ll make it with Annette), Bobby Rydell, Fabian… Hey, Fabian, lend me your comb, won’t you? Kookie’s being mean.

My Edsel broke down so now I have to drive an Impala. They’re pretty difficult; maybe I should have stuck with a horse. At least one good thing happened this year; the US didn’t blow up any spaceships, probably because Dick was busy in the kitchen arguing with that bald Russian guy. I hope they don’t start a Cold War.

Well, anyway, I’m listening to my top twenty-five albums of 1959 while I play with my Barbie doll. Boy does she have a tiny waist.

Event of the year: Disneyland becomes a Communist Country

Fad:  Cuban cigars

Babe of the Year: Barbie

Scandal of the Year: Hamilton Burger murders Perry Mason because he never won a case.

Movie or TV show to barf to: Plan 9 From Outer Space (okay so we laughed at that)

What we could have done without: Liz and Eddie

Pet of the year: Gidget

Other Tidbits: Everyone loves Fidel Castro except Ike, Alaska and Hawaii declare independence from Taiwan, The Mercury Seven  (The Right Stuff) become the world’s first boy band, Khrushchev visits Disneyland and beats Nixon in the kitchen with a shoe, Charlton Heston enters the Indianapolis 500 with a Chariot and loses, The music dies but comes back as a zombie, Charles DeGaulle denies cheating on Quiz Shows, Kookie lends me his comb and gives me lice, Timex keeps on ticking but ticks still suck.

And here we go with my top Twenty-Five of 1959.

1)  Dave Brubeck Quartet- Time Out

2)  Art Blakey and the Jazz Messengers- Moanin

3)  Miles Davis- Kind of Blue

4)  Marty Robbins- Gunfighter Ballads and Trail Songs

5)  John Lee Hooker- I’m John Lee Hooker

6)  Coleman Hawkins and Ben Webster- Coleman Hawkins Encounters Ben Webster

7)  Charles Mingus- Mingus Ah Um

8)  Jimmy Smith- The Sermon

9)  The Wailers- The Fabulous Wailers

10)  Tom Lehrer- A Wasted Evening With Tom Lehrer

11)  Dave Van Ronk- Sings Ballads, Blues, and a Spiritual

12)  The Kingston Trio- Here We Go Again

13)  Johnny Cash- Songs of Our Soil

14)  Howlin Wolf- Moanin in the Moonlight

15)  Sonny Boy Williamson- Down and Out Blues

16)  John Fahey- Blind Joe Death

17)  Odetta- My Eyes Have Seen

18)  Ornette Coleman- The Shape of Jazz To Come

19)  Horace Silver Quintet- Finger Poppin With…

20)  Johnny Cash- The Fabulous Johnny Cash

21)  Kingston Trio- At Large

22)  Elvis Presley- A Date With Elvis

23)  Ray Charles- What’d I Say

24) Bo Diddley- Go Bo Diddley

25) Martin Denny- Quiet Village

This is a strong year for jazz as the genre holds the top three spots this year. It’s also the first year I’ve heard a Miles Davis album I actually rate more than meh. I don’t see Kind of Blue as the masterpiece others do. I can think of at least two albums (One being Bitches’ Brew) that are far superior to Kind of Blue. Still, it comes in at number three.  As for the top two. Brubeck edges out Blakey. I think Moanin’ is indeed one of the great jazz albums of the period, but Time Out flows like a Picasso masterpiece.  Even the cover looks like it could have painted by the master himself.

I go a little country at number four with Marty Robbins’ themed album. It’s a fantastic collection of ballads and it’s a lot more that just El Paso. John Lee Hooker gets his first entry and it may be his best. I’m also going to give a shout out to Tom Lehrer who comes up with one of the best comedy albums ever. Out of the Top Ten, but also deserving of a mention is Dave Van Ronk. We’ll be hearing more from him in future years. And, finally, Martin Denny just squeezes in albeit barely. I had to listen to that album as a kid as that was a favorite of my then step-father’s. Still it does have its moments.

Biggest Surprise- Jimmy Smith- The Sermon.

 I especially liked the title track and was tempted to rank the album higher. It certainly made me want to go to church.

Biggest Disappointment- Ornette Coleman- The Shape of Jazz To Come.

Yes, the album makes the list for 1959 but it really didn’t do a lot for me. It was good enough to make the list though. I guess I call it a disappointment because, for me at least, it didn’t live up to the hype around it.

Stinker of the Year- (tie) The Louvin Brothers- Satan is Real, Jack Lemmon- A Twist of Lemmon

Yep, the Louvin Brothers do it again. When I saw Satan is Real, I knew I had to give it a spin. And, yep, Satan is real. Oh, yeah. I bet Ira found out. He must have been inebriated as usual when he designed the nutty cover. Ooh, what a scary cover. It does have the Christian Life, later covered by the Byrds. Of course there is also Ira’s confessional the Drunkard’s Doom.

But Satan only gets a tie. For Jack Lemmon begins the long honored tradition of actors recording their own albums. I guess he sings adequately enough but he doesn’t sound a bit like Jack Lemmon. Then again Jim Nabors doesn’t sound like Gomer Pyle either. Anyhow, Lemmon wins an Oscar for easy listening meant to put people to sleep and would be a great inspiration to future lotharios like Telly Savalas, Eddie Murphy, and Don Johnson.

Well, that wraps up the fifties. See you later on as we cover 1960.

1958

The talking dog has transported me to 1958 in search of Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster. Neither exists, but I do meet this guy that likes to eat purple people. He’s also off his meds. He also thinks I’m purple and he’s chasing me with a fork and knife, HELLLPP!

Fortunately, I’m saved by this weird guy in a blue suit with a big S on it. By the way, how does someone disguise himself by just taking off his glasses? And how can he see without glasses if he’s nearsighted? Anyway, they charge the Purple People Eater with attempted murder but some shyster named Perry Mason gets him off and blames the Witch Doctor (oo ee oo ah ah…).

The United States is launching rockets in the air but they keep blowing up. Maybe they should save them for the Fourth of July. And those Chipmunks are so cute, you just want to pick them up and squeeze them… wait, does Alvin have rabies? He’s foaming at the mouth, save me Superman!!

Wow, I’m awake, that was exhausting. Maybe I’ll watch some game shows. At least I know that’s honest family entertainment. I’m sure that Charles Van Doren guy would never cheat.

That Elvis guy is inducted into the army because they need rock n roll stars to save the world from communism. No, really, they discovered a new weapon that will end the Cold War. Did you know that an electric guitar can emit sixty megatons of radiation? That’s why the White Citizens Council fears the music, that and black people.

I drove my Edsel to the NFL Championship Game. They are playing a game called sudden death. Why does somebody have to die? I swear, the winning Quarterback must have a horseshoe on his head.

And some Governor from Arkansas doesn’t want children to enter his school because they don’t look like ghosts or something. Well, not everyone wants to wear a white sheet over their heads. Anyway, only ugly people wear white sheets, well, that and Nazi uniforms.

Anyway it’s time for my top twenty-five from 1958 so…

Event of the year: The Purple People Eats the Witch Doctor.

Fad:  Hula hoops

Babe of the Year: Mrs. Cleaver

Scandal of the Year: Colonel Nicholson builds a bridge over the River Kwai then blows it up.

Movie or TV show to barf to: Game Shows in general

What we could have done without: The Edsel

Pets of the year: The Chipmunks

Other Tidbits: China leaps forward and lands on Korea, Egypt and Syria reunite and hate each other, USS Nautilus captures Santa Claus, Sir Edmund Hillary is eaten by a penguin, Johnny Unitas becomes a household name and drinks Maypo, Elvis joins the Army and confounds Drill Sergeant Carter, Vincent Price swats a fly and is charged with murder, Marlon Brando says Steve McQueen is just another blob., the Purple People Eater signed by the Minnesota Vikings., unfortunately, the team isn’t established until 1961, Jerry Lee Lewis marries his 13 year old cousin, signs with the Brooklyn Dodgers; finds out they’re now in LA.

And with that, here is another top twenty-five.

1)  John Coltrane- Blue Train

2)  Bo Diddley- Bo Diddley

3)  Sonny Clark- Cool Struttin

4)  Cannonball Adderly- Something Else

5)  Miles Davis- Milestones

6)  Jimmy Reed- I’m Jimmy Reed

7)  The Kingston Trio- The Kingston Trio

8)  Lee Morgan- The Cooker

9)  Little Richard- Little Richard

10)  Johnny Cash- Johnny Cash Sings the Songs That Made Him Famous

11)  Buddy Holly- Buddy Holly

12)  Dale Hawkins- Oh Suzy Q!

13)  Sonny Rollins- Freedom Suite

14)  Thelonious Monk- Misterioso

15)  John Coltrane- Soultrane

16)  Ray Charles- Yes Indeed

17)  Chuck Berry- One Dozen Berrys

18)  Ray Charles- Ray Charles at Newport

19)  Ben Webster Quintet- Soulville

20)  Billie Holiday- Lady in Satin

21)  Stan Getz/Dizzy Gillepsie/Sonny Stint- For Musicians Only

22)  Ramblin Jack Elliott- Jack Takes the Floor

23)  Ray Charles and Milt Jackson- Soul Brothers

24)  Frank Sinatra- Come Fly With Me

25) The Everly Brothers- The Everly Brothers

This is the year of the Blue Train obviously. It’s the first of many great albums by Coltrane. Of course the title track rates as one of his great classics. Bo Diddley is essentially another greatest hits album of sorts but what a package it is. Note songs that will be famously covered by sixties acts, Who Do You Love and Diddy Wah Diddy are two great examples.

Three more jazz albums follow and then comes my other big surprise with Jimmy Reed’s album. Reed doesn’t get the credit other blues artists of the period seem to get, maybe because he was more commercially successful than greats like Waters and Hooker, but I’m Jimmy Reed rates right up there with anything the aforementioned two did. The Kingston Trio records the first of surprisingly good albums for me. Little Richard’s effort this year is probably better than his previous offering. Overall I think this is a pretty good list and it only gets better from here.

Biggest Surprise- Sonny Clark- Cool Struttin.

 I knew Blue Train would be good, but Clark wasn’t exactly bad. The album cover of some woman’s legs doesn’t hurt either. Well, that’s what my boyfriend says anyway, the perv.

Biggest Disappointment: Ramblin Jack Elliot- Jack Takes the Floor

You’ll see later I’m a big fan of folk so I was really hoping this one might threaten the top ten. As it was though, it might as well have been the Kingston Trio

Stinker of the Year- Leona Anderson- Music To Suffer By

Billed as the World’s most horrible singer, Leona Anderson preceded the legendary Mrs. Miller by a decade. Rats in My Room would probably empty a house of rats faster than any poison would. On the bright side, she almost sings Indian Love Call as well as Slim Whitman.

So there it is for 1958. If you see Elvis in Germany, try not to give him the Nazi salute- he might shoot you. See you next week.

The talking dog has transported me to 1957. I really wish he’d transport me to 1543 so I could marry Henry VIII and get his fortune but they didn’t have jazz and rock n roll records then. I guess I’ll have to settle for Jerry Lee Lewis… oh, drat! His thirteen year old cousin nabbed him, the house wrecker!

The big thing that’s the rage this year are these spaceships the Russians keep launching. I think they want Lassie to become the first dog in space. I wonder if they have dog biscuits on the Moon. Hey, is that a Cat in a Hat? Great Britain tests a hydrogen bomb on Christmas Island this year. Well, that sure wasn’t in the holiday spirit. I bet Santa Claus puts coal in your stocking, Mr. Prime Minister!

The talking dog tells me I have to do a top twenty-five list this year or I have to watch reruns of Queen For a Day. I think I’ll do the twenty-five list.

So here we go…

Event of the year: Death wins in a chess match

Fad:  Samurai Fighting

Babe of the Year: Alfred Hitchcock

Scandal of the Year: Eddie Haskell steals Beaver’s lunch money.

Movie or TV show to barf to: Peyton Place

What we could have done without: Pat Boone

Pet of the year: Nikita Khrushchev

Other Tidbits: Humphrey Bogart dies but Gary Cooper lives, forensic experts determine Eddie Haskell is not Alice Cooper, Audrey Hepburn hasn’t lost her looks yet, Harry Belafonte buys a Banana Boat, Elvis Presley goes to jail and is all shook up, Henry Fonda gets a murderer off and the Lonesome Rhodes show is the top rated show in history, Sputnik is launched and bomb shelters are built in Dick Nixon’s backyard, The Yankees lose the World Series and George Steinbrenner fires Billy Martin.

Okay, so much for the trivia. Here are my top twenty-five for 1957.

1)  Sonny Rollins- Way Out West

2)  Charles Mingus- The Clown

3)  Carl Perkins- The Dance Album

4)  Gene Vincent and the Blue Caps- Gene Vincent and His Blue Caps

5)  Johnny Griffin- A Blowin Session

6)  Billie Holiday- Body and Soul

7)  John Coltrane- Coltrane

8)  Coleman Hawkins- The Hawk Flies High

9)  Nat King Cole- After Midnight

10)  Thelonious Monk- Monk’s Music

11)  Horace Silver Quintet- Six Pieces of Silver

12)  Pete Seeger- American Ballads

13)  Miles Davis- Miles Ahead

14)  Little Richard- Here’s Little Richard

15)  Leonard Bernstein- Leonard Bernstein’s West Side Story

16)  Patsy Cline- Patsy Cline

17)  Chuck Berry- After School Session

18)  Miles Davis- Birth of the Cool

19)  Johnny Cash- Johnny Cash and his Hot and Blue Guitar

20)  Elvis Presley- Loving You

21)  The Everly Brothers- They’re Off and Rolling

22)  The Coasters- The Coasters

23)  Buddy Holly and the Crickets- The Chirpin Crickets

24)  Ruth Brown- Rock n Roll

25)  Miles Davis- Round About Midnight

This is the year where jazz really takes control. For the second straight year, my biggest surprise also happens to be my favorite album of the year. In this case it’s Sonny Rollins. The title track alone is enough to sway me but the album grooves throughout. Mingus’ the Clown is the first of his truly great albums imo. It was close as to which album would be number one. Billie Holiday’s Body and Soul is another album that impresses me. Her early death from a drug overdose seems such a waste.

Rock n Roll is still trying to find it’s bearings as far as albums go. I rated Carl Perkins at number three, but that could have just as easily been his greatest hits. Gene Vincent comes off with a great album though. The two most popular rock albums of that year though, Here’s Little Richard (another greatest hits album) and the Chirpin’ Crickets, while on the list, don’t impress me as much as they do with  the RYM bunch. At least there are enough quality albums to make a top twenty-five though.

Biggest Surprise- Sonny Rollins- Way Out West

 Crazy Jazz Album. I still can’t get the title track out of my head

Biggest Disappointment- Miles Davis

Round About Midnight. I’m hoping his future stuff will be better but he doesn’t wow me the way Coltrane does for example.

Stinker of the Year- Various Artists- My Pussy Belongs to Daddy.

 The title alone rates a mention. Yeah, it’s pretty much a porn album by various artists with titles such as Sadie’s Still Got the Rag On and He Forgot His Rubbers, you know this has to be a hoot. The album finishes with the classic Tony’s Got Hot Nuts.

Well that made me hot (or maybe I kept the roast on in the oven too long). Anyway. we’ll have 1958 later so see you then.

I’m now being transported to the year of 1956. This world is even stranger. Ike is running for re-election again and this Adlai guy thinks he can actually win. Hah, dreamer! There is also this new music they call rock n roll. I don’t see anyone rolling though and they don’t even use rocking chairs. Well, there is this guy that keeps swiveling his hips like he just drank Pine Sol or something. They don’t like to show his hips on TV. They show a hound dog instead (calm down, talking dog). There’s also this movie called Giant- it doesn’t look all that big to me. They have this guy Rock Hudson, he’s so dreamy (shut up, talking dog, he’s not gay). Women are expanding in the marketplace; they’ve now graduated from selling appliances to selling cars on TV, women’s liberation rules.

Musically, of course, it’s another year for jazz album wise. I have to do a top twenty this year because Elvis Presley recorded ninety three albums or something. Anyway, are you ready? Okay, here we go.

(elvis)

Event of the year: Elvis wiggles his hips and the girls go wild.

Fad: Greasy kids stuff

Babe of the Year: Kate Smith

Scandal of the Year: John Wayne and friends get radiation poisoning

Movie or TV show to barf to: The Conqueror (John Wayne as Genghis Khan)

What we could have done without: The nuclear arms race

Pet of the year: The Hound Dog Elvis had to sing to

Other Tidbits: The US still likes Ike and tolerates Dick. Everyone fears Elvis’ hips, Rock and Liz get hot and heavy in Giant, I Love Lucy doesn’t get cancelled yet, The Million Dollar Quartet breaks up, The Suez Canal is locked, John Wayne turns day-glo,  Godzilla destroys Tokyo. Four out of Five doctors recommend Lucky Strikes, Ralph Nader claims candy cigarettes are bad for your health, Father says he knows best, Mother pissed.

But enough of this trivia. The top twenty albums of 1956 (and number one is a real surprise.)

1)  Moondog- Moondog

2)  Odetta- Odetta Sings Ballads and Blues

3)  Johnny Burnette- Johnny Burnette and the Rock n Roll Trio

4)  Elvis Presley- Elvis Presley

5)  The Modern Jazz Quartet- Fontessa

6)  Sonny Rollins- Saxophone Collosus

7)  Thelonious Monk- Brilliant Corners

8)  Billie Holiday- Lady Sings the Blues

9)  Moondog- More Moondog

10)  Art Blakey and the Jazz Messengers- The Jazz Messengers

11)  Elvis Presley- Elvis

12)  Sonny Rollins- Plus 4

13)  Charles Mingus- Pithcantropus Erectus

14)  Gene Vincent and the Blue Cats- Bluejean Bop

15)  Duke Ellington- Ellington at Newport

16)  Julie London- Lonely Girl

17)  Frank Sinatra- Songs For Swingin Lovers

18)  Harry Belafonte- Calypso

19)  Fats Domino- This Is Fats Domino

20)  Julie London- Calendar Girl

I will mention Moondog as my biggest surprise but this is a year for surprises. There still isn’t a lot to choose from this year but the albums at the top are a considerable improvement from 1955. Take Odetta. I’ve heard of her legend but until this project I didn’t hear a lot of her songs. Her Ballads and Blues, well, I can see how she could have influenced Dylan among others. Johnny Burnette scores with my favorite Rock n Roll album of the year and I’ve always liked Elvis’ debut. His second album isn’t so bad either. The list tails off a bit after Elvis’ second entry but Gene Vincent does sneak in there at number fourteen. As for Julie London, I will say she looks sexy on the album covers.

Biggest Surprise- Moondog.

It is one of the most brilliantly unusual albums I’ve ever heard- and we’re talking 1956

Biggest Disappointment- Charles Mingus- Pithcantropus Erectus.

He’ll get better, but I guess I was expecting Black Sinner even this early.

Stinker of the Year- The Louvin Brothers- The Tragic Songs of Life.

Okay, it starts out with Kentucky. Yeah there is something tragic about Kentucky all right. I guess Alabama must be a tragic place too. A horrible rendition of In the Pines and then more cheerful dongs about tragedy. Don’t miss My Brother’s Will.

Okay so make sure you come back next week for my first  actually first twenty-five. See you then. Talking dog, that’s not a fire hydrant!

And away, we go…

The first year of my slightly ambitious project. It wasn’t an especially great year for albums needless to say. Indeed I only have fifteen albums listed this year (I’ll only have twenty for next year, meaning my first true top twenty-five will be in 1957).

Event of the year: Marilyn Monroe’s skirt blows up.

Fad:  Smelly Dave Crockett coonskin caps.

Babe of the Year: Peter Pan

Scandal of the Year: Peter Pan is a girl. Bet Wendy was shocked.

Movie or TV show to barf to: Mickey Mouse Club

What we could have done without: Duck and Cover

Pet of the year: Lassie

Other Tidbits: James Dean becomes a teen idol in death, The US capital is moved to Disneyland, Lunatics wearing coonskin caps mug Mickey Mouse, Winston Churchill takes his marbles and goes home, Johnny Cash shoots a man in Reno just to watch him die, US and China play Chicken over Formosa and Taiwan loses, Marty McFly invents rock n roll, Chuck Berry becomes a duck.

Okay, so I’m supposed to come up with a top twenty-five out of these thirty albums. The talking dog gives me a break, though. I only have to rank fifteen albums this year but I have to watch My Little Margie for penance. Well, it could be worse, I guess. He might have made me watch an I Love Lucy marathon. Yeah, Ricky, I know, you’re home. Why don’t you go over the Mertz’ or something?

Anyway, here we go with the fifteen greatest albums of 1955 (really, just ask me).

1)  Bill Haley and the Comets- Rock Around the Clock

2)  Clifford Brown and Max Roach- Study in Brown

3)  Julie London- Julie is Her Name

4)  Modern Jazz Quartet- Concorde

5)  Louis Armstrong- Satch Plays Fats

6)  Fats Domino- Rockin and Rollin With Fats Domino

7)  Miles Davis- Blue Moods

8)  Billie Holiday- Music For Torching

9)  Frank Sinatra- In the Wee Small Hours

10)  Kenny Dorham- Afro Cuban

11)  Sarah Vaughan- In the Land of Hi-Fi

12)  Webb Pierce- Webb Pierce

13)  Dinah Washington- For Those in Love

14)  Errol Garner- Contrasts

15)  Thelonious Monk- Plays the Music of Duke Ellington

Highlights- As noted before this is a pretty lean year but what do you expect when record albums and rock and roll were just starting out? It was a great year for singles though as I could rave about the singles from the likes of Muddy Waters, Bo Diddley, and all sorts of rhythm and blues artists. Album wise though, it’s mostly more of what might have been described as easy listening later. Rock Around the Clock, at number one, is obviously one of the exceptions. It’s basically a greatest hits package and certainly listenable, but the truth is, even a few years from now, it wouldn’t even get so much as a mention. Still there are some surprises such as Study in Brown (see biggest surprise), and even Julie London who, at least for this year, was the ultimate torch queen.

It gets a little tougher once I get past Billie Holliday (another great torch queen). Nine through fifteen are not great albums by any length of the imagination. They’re on here mainly because they were better than anything else I heard this year (damn you, talking dog!). I also notice early on that it’s hard to discern one jazz track from another without a very close listen. I find it’s best to let the jazz albums in particular flow and I’m going to be finding some surprising classics from now until 1966 and even 1970. Even this year has an early gem (again see biggest surprise).

Biggest Surprise- Clifford Brown and Max Roach- Study in Brown.

This album really stands out in what is a very lean year. Jazz was still trying to get into the hard bop rhythm. This album comes closest to the cool sounds I’ll be hearing from the likes of Coltrane and Mingus in particular.

Biggest Disappointment- Thelonious Monk in general.

I was hoping to like him but basically it’s just a lot of piano to me. That will only work a couple times for me.

Stinker of the Year- Gene Autry- Trusty the Rocking Horse and Bucking Bronco.

Okay, this album must be so bad I can’t even find it on YouTube so I’ll go with his wonderful holiday songs of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and Peter Cottontail. He wasn’t back in the saddle with stinkers like those and I’m sure he wasn’t with this album either.

So I guess that’s it for 1955. I hope I got off to a good start. I’ll post my favorite twenty of 1956 (another lean year) later this week.

And so the Time Machine has taken me to the year of 1955. What a strange year. All the little boys are wearing coonskin caps and trying to shoot me with their guns. Women are on this tube thing they call television selling these iceboxes they call refrigerators. And they’re showing their ankles- how scandalous!

Everybody likes Ike, whoever he is. They don’t like Dick, though. Some people say he’s a real… hey! The Food Fair has kumquats at half price this week, cool!

I watch some show on this television that’s on at, well, the television shop. All these weirdos are wearing mouse ears and singing and spelling M-I-C-K-E-Y, then they misspell moose. Do they even have schools here? They also have some show called Dragnet, but I don’t see anyone smoking. They sell cigarettes though; did you know four out of five doctors recommend Lucky Strikes? I guess the fifth doctor died of lung cancer cause he didn’t smoke.

The talking dog is making me listen to the music of 1955. He straps me to this chair and keeps my eyes open. He says he saw this technique in a movie he’ll see in 1971. "But, talking dog,” I ask, “why do you need to pry my eyes open if I only have to listen to music?”

“Good point,” the talking dog says. He removes the clothespins from my eyes and plays some Julie London record. They say she’s a torch queen. I guess that means she sets things on fire. In fact, the talking dog plays all sorts of records that I need to rank. He gives me a break this year though- I only have to rank the top fifteen this year because very few people recorded albums this year. I won’t have to do a top twenty five for another two years.

“Wait,” I ask, “ How long do I have to do this top twenty-five thingy?”

“Oh, not long, just until the apocalypse or 2018, whatever comes first.”

Well, that’s a relief. With these new nuclear thingies the US and Russia have now, the Apocalypse should happen real soon. I’m predicting 1962 myself.

Okay, so the talking dog has me listening to all these albums. I’ll have my first list up this coming Monday… maybe. So stay tuned.

And keep your paws off me, Lassie!